@cmdrspacebabe Thank you, I really appreciate that. I don't know that my depression is necessarily a consequence of ADHD; depression runs in my family on both sides, so I think it's probably a distinct thing. I started to have suspicions about ADHD a little while ago - I have trouble finishing books these days, and even getting through films and eps of TV shows without lots of breaks; following through on things is a challenge; if I have a deadline, I start at the last possible minute

@cmdrspacebabe but when I mentioned my suspicions to my mother she actually burst out laughing at me, which was really upsetting, and I kind of put the idea to one side for a little while, and then I heard someone on a podcast talking about it recently and everything he was saying sounded so familiar. On a slightly separate note, I googled wellbutrin again and apparently it IS available here, but for quitting smoking (which I already did, actually), so it would be an off-label use

@cmdrspacebabe Sorry to spam you, but I was just looking at the webmd page for inattentive-type ADHD - it's talking about diagnosis in children. Don't know how differently it presents in adults, but thought I'd mention that of the symptoms listed, I'm also a huge daydreamer, very messy, and sometimes have slow processing speed

@panickyintheuk diagnostic criteria are a bit different for adults, but require symptoms to be shown before the age of 12, so it's good to see if the childhood stuff sounds like you when you were young. a major indicator is often report card comments saying 'needs to apply herself' or 'smart but disorganized' or stuff like that - I had those on every report card ever :p
here's a PDF to an adult self-assessment:
https://add.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/adhd-questionnaire-ASRS111.pdf

@panickyintheuk a few things people don't often know can be caused by ADHD:
- poor emotional regulation - difficulty controlling emotional reactions, tendency to blow up or overreact to minor things (I'm EXTREMELY irritable and get frustrated at the slightest problems)
- extreme sensitivity to criticism - associated with above; sometimes called rejection-sensitive dysphoria
- 'lack of willpower' - pre-diagnosis, most think of themselves as lazy or weak due to lack of executive function

@panickyintheuk at its core, ADHD is not a disorder of attention - that's just the most obvious external symptom. it's actually a lack of executive dysfunction - the brain is unable to self-regulate due to a lack of chemical resources. lack of dopamine means the brain is forced to compensate by doing things that will provide more in the short term - generally by avoiding things that are difficult or boring, but necessary to function properly. 'allergy to boredom'.

@panickyintheuk people with ADHD are unable to regulate what their brain focuses on, making us highly prone to procrastination, disorganization, poor impulse control, distractability, poor time management, emotional disregulation, and an inability to follow through on anything challenging - even if we really want to. we tend to start a lot of projects that we never finish - as soon as they don't provide short-term reward, the brain moves on to something that will.

@panickyintheuk (lol now who's the spammer oops)
so yeah, there's a lot more to ADHD than people think. it's not a lack of attention span, it's an inability to self-regulate that can have a huge impact on many areas of your life - school, work, relationships, family, friends, everything. from the inside, it feels like a lack of willpower - like you're too weak to make yourself do things that need doing, no matter how hard you try or how much you want to.

@cmdrspacebabe EVERYTHING on your list is extremely applicable to me. I kind of figured it was related to depression, and I guess there's a lot of spillover. Interestingly I don't think of myself as easily bored, but maybe that's because I'm a very vivid daydreamer? I'm also pretty good at finding something to distract myself with. Thanks for the link - not everything feels applicable, but for some of them that's because I've developed coping mechanisms, so it's tricky

@panickyintheuk yeah, and of course it manifests differently in everyone. I don't consider myself easily bored either, but I also can't keep myself off the internet when I'm supposed to be working and all my chores take twice as long because I keep getting distracted... which is why I don't feel bored. :p my brain pre-emptively jumps ship before it can happen.

@cmdrspacebabe Yes, absolutely! And the jumping around is a huge thing for me. Like, I'll pause an episode of something on Netflix to imdb someone, and then as soon as I have the computer open I'll think of three other things I want to check, and then half an hour later I remember I left the episode on pause. The last year and a bit I've been using habitica, and that's helped me a lot with daily tasks, but then I have to-dos that aren't that major but hang around for weeks

@cmdrspacebabe In terms of the checklist, for a lot of the items I'm looking at them and thinking "well, I don't do that, but only because X" - like, I don't forget appointments because I write EVERYTHING down and am very careful about it, and I don't make a lot of careless mistakes because I tend to triple-check everything. So I don't know if that's a coping mechanism or evidence against, you know?

@panickyintheuk that sounds more like a coping mechanism to me. :p see, I also triple-check everything, because as a kid/teen I screwed things up so much that I gave myself a complex and now I have anxiety about it. like, the other week a coworker told me he wished he was as organized as me; but the thing is, I'm NOT organized. my organization is a carefully, consciously constructed structure to make up for the fact that my brain can't hold itself up without external support.

@panickyintheuk so no, I no longer forget things or plans or due dates... until I fall off the wagon and don't use my bullet journal for a while, after which I start forgetting shit again. I've imposed structure on myself to make up for it, but fundamentally my brain still doesn't work the way most people's does. I have to work harder than a neurotypical to function because I need help just to reach what, for them, is a baseline.

@panickyintheuk have you ever looked into bullet journals? mine was kinda life-changing lol. a good agenda is a key component to managing ADHD. daily to-do lists are my other big thing - write out every single thing I need or want to do, including leisure/hobby stuff, and how long it'll take. it REALLY helps keep me on track so I don't wind up getting lost in the internet and losing my whole evening on things I don't even really enjoy.

@cmdrspacebabe RE journals, that's pretty much what I use habitica for. I could probably utilise it a bit more rigorously, but it's definitely made a HUGE difference. I think that's probably better than a physical journal for me, because I seem to do better with digital than analogue on the whole.

My gut's saying the shoe fits, but I'm not sure I'd necessarily fulfil the diagnostic criteria, for the coping strategy/avoidance reasons we talked about (and again, depression complicates things)

@cmdrspacebabe I don't think of myself as particularly physically restless, active or fidgety, either. If anything I think of myself as being physically lazy. Looking at that checklist, I'd say I'd tick three of the shaded boxes in part A (1, 2 & 4), with 3 being kind of a "no, but"; 5 & 6, not really (although having said that, I did consider that I might be cyclothymic at one stage, and #6 does sound like what I thought might be manic episodes? But it's not my default state)

@cmdrspacebabe Anyway I feel like I'm taking up a lot of your time at this point, but thanks again, I really appreciate the info, and it's good just to have a sounding board!

@cmdrspacebabe Ugh, sorry, *hypomanic episodes

@panickyintheuk hypomanic episodes also aren't uncommon - in some cases it can even be mistaken for bipolar. physical restlessness is more commonly associated with hyperactive-type, though inattentive-type are often fidgety as well.
and it's no problem! I actually love talking about this stuff (: I've done a lot of research and it's always nice to be able to help other people figure shit out - I know figuring mine out really changed my life for the better.