OK! I've decided to start telling a very long story here, in my trademark blizzard of toots. I may or may not finish tonight and I'll CW everything except first and last toot so hopefully y'all won't mind if I spam thousands of words at you. For this is to be the story of me and #Undertale, and how I didn't know I was a transwoman until Undertale opened my eyes. It's the story also of "Manon", the nickname I've given the entity that first made itself known to @kel through listening to the "Undertale" theme music back in fall of 2016.

I wasn't "Kara Dreamer" in the spring of 2016, and "Kel the Purple" was nowhere to be seen either. At the time I was a presumptively cismale unicorn furry named "Monophylos Fortikos"; most friends called me "Mono". Life was going pretty well for me and my polycule; I had a reasonably active social life and my 2nd partner K. was still happy to be with me. I'd gone through a pretty big scare earlier in the year when my father fell seriously ill and was twice confined to hospital, but the scare was over and I felt I could tackle something new for a change. That new thing turned out to be a game called #Undertale.

#Undertale wasn't that new, then. A number of my acquaintances were already raving about it and I'd picked up a few details about "goatmom" and "butterscotch-cinnamon pie" and the excited whispers about a game where the object was _not_ to fight anyone. Two friends in particular were especially encouraging, one of them my 2nd partner K., and finally I started playing the game.

I should mention here that I am no gamer. Aside from Guitar Hero / Rock Band games I had never played any console game, ever, and certainly never played any JRPG. So even the _type_ of game that Undertale was, was new to me, and I played badly.

Still I stumbled my way forward through the Ruins until I got to Toriel's house. She already felt a bit like an old friend cos I already knew about her from admiring pals, but there remained a little distance from her that puzzled me a bit when I thought about it. I blamed it on being spoiled but now I don't think it's that: I think it's because at first I identified her with my own mother, with whom I had a turbulent and ultimately failed relationship. Since then I've come to love Toriel far more deeply--but for a very different reason, as it eventually turned out. I left the Ruins, yet only intrigued by #Undertale.

If I might digress for a minute, I've been increasingly struck on subsequent playthroughs how almost all of the incidental monsters' dialogue hints at stasis, stagnation, a waning hope that some day everything will change. Monsters are seen waiting it out in bars and restaurants, cooling their heels by malfunctioning elevators, laboring away in jobs they hate, maybe indulging whimsical fantasies about what freedom might bring. (And then there's poor, wretched Onionsan...) #Undertale is a world of lost and stranded souls, a true underworld, as powerful a setting for a Greek-style mystery as the Homeric Hymn to Demeter.

Of course by the time I fought Papyrus I just wanted to be his friend. I still want to cry a little at how perilously close he comes to admitting how lonely he is only to heap it all on Frisk! Then comes Waterfall, and a drastic change in mood.

Waterfall really got to me. The eerie chimes of the "Waterfall" theme haunt me to this day (curiously K. once told me it was music that shi found restful), and the blue-tinged dark, the phosphorescent flowers and crystals, and the records of the monsters' wistful desire to see the true night sky again...and memories of the terrible war with the humans that nearly wiped the monsters out.

Waterfall also meant...Undyne.

_Vide infra_.

Strange how Undyne is nothing but a brooding, murderous presence in the game, trying from the moment to kill you by any means, yet...I do not remember feeling even _once_ that she was evil. Ever. Papyrus vouches for her from the very beginning. Monster Kid worships her. Every monster who mentions Undyne speaks her name with pride in her. How could I possibly be angry with her? So I ran and I ran, detouring over to poor lovable Napstablook's house (more on them later), until finally there was nowhere left to run.

#Undertale https://witches.town/media/MKOqsYVrpbdMzmtxY9E

I've mentioned being bad at games, so I was slow to grasp that the secret to standing up to Undyne in #Undertale is to run. Run, run, run. Instead in the first couple of bouts I tried to stand my ground as long as possible. If you last long enough, something happens that you might not catch all of, if you play the game "well": Undyne's anger that you won't just lie down and die turns, with increasing wonderment and stunned silences, to outright admiration of your courage. "Alphys told me humans were determined!" When I finally stumbled and fell in battle with Undyne I felt bizarrely like I'd _let her down_.

And then that "date"! Oh my, it's maybe one of the best sequences I've played in any video game, at once hilarious yet also managing at times to be poignant. It's where you first get the hint that bluff, confident Undyne is still fearful in her way. She's pining for Alphys but can't tell her, she's afraid for her friend Papyrus's life but can't tell him, she's haunted by a troubled past (making you wonder...just how happy _are_ the monsters' lives really? do even the kindly, forgiving monsters of the Underground turn on each other in their captivity?) By the time I left Undyne, #Undertale had me by the heartstrings.

Next up was meeting the fascinating, problematical, and (for me anyway) intensely sympathetic character of Dr. Alphys. I love Alphys as fiercely but (I hope) clear-mindedly as @mona loves Pearl from "Steven Universe"--seeing them almost as sisters, but never forgetting just what colossally broken people they are. How Pearl got that way we can fairly well guess; the source of Alphys's self-hatred remains a mystery, though I am preparing to take a plausible guess when I get back to writing #Undertale fanfic.

I've met folks who dislike Alphys, just as I've met those who detest Pearl. I love both.

I wasn't sure what to make of #Mettaton at first. (He always deserves the hashtag--he likes whatever publicity he can get.) I kind of accepted him as a villain at first, rather irrationally, for on a subsequent playthrough I had to admit Mettaton's logic made a lot of sense. Mettaton's a genuine fan of humanity because of their entertainment, and wants to join them as an entertainer; if he kills you and uses your SOUL for himself, all humanity is saved (till the next fallen human comes along.) Alphys spies on you, spins plots about you, and lies to you about false dangers. Why then did I feel that Mettaton was wrong? #Undertale

I think I finally picked up on the fact that, while what #Mettaton tells you is more or less true, the big pink egotist is also an _actor_, perfectly capable of writing himself into a heroic role. I am certain that this is what he promised Alphys, the night that he discovered his old friend's precious stash of fanfics about befriending a fallen human and saving them from the hazards of the Underground and becoming best friends. For Alphys also loved humanity and its culture and its science and its technology—and Mettaton promised to be the stage director who could make that promise come true. She dreamed, but HE enacted it.

#Mettaton turns out to be a big softie anyway. "Mad, bad, and dangerous to know", for sure, but in the end he has to do what his fans want him to do, for he genuinely loves them. And he genuinely loves his cousin Napstablook, too. In a way they represent the ghost extremes when it comes to body dysphoria. While his cousins are content to inhabit any old object Mettaton wants a body that he can be proud of, while Napstablook simply can't see the point of getting a body at all. Blooky seems to prefer to be without a body altogether, as his habit of zoning out to music hints at. #Undertale

Now things got _really_ intense for me.

I do not feel capable of commenting on this scene, so I will only cite it: the story the monsters tell you in New New Home, the story of Asriel and Chara and how King Asgore is giving the monsters hope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb8LuokrlAM

...You should be smiling too.
Aren't you excited?
Aren't you happy?

You're going to be free.

#Undertale

Both familiarity and foreknowledge of the backstory have taken the edge off the scene for me, a little. It is still capable of making me cry.

That night? The first night I came to this story? I was _wrecked_. Tears cascaded down my face. I was sobbing like an abandoned child.

If the game had given me an option to give up my soul voluntarily to save the monsters, I probably would have taken it in that moment.

#Undertale

There's much I could say here about #Undertale's core myth, the tale of Asriel and Chara, leaping ahead to the insights gained from further playthroughs and reading wikis and fanfic, striving always to get a better picture of how things "really" went down. And when I say "really" I don't mean the reality in Toby Fox's head of what Asriel and Chara were really like together, but mine. Who were _my_ Asriel and Chara? Why did I weep for them then? Why can I still weep for them now? Anyone reading this knows already (I hope) that the story we get in New New Home is not the complete one. The fallen human, Chara, was guilty of a crime.

I'm not going to thrash out the whole process by which I came to identify so profoundly with Chara Dreemurr that, when I first began to emerge as a transwoman, it was by speaking in Chara's voice. (I am honored that they permitted me thus to employ them as an ambassador, of sorts—@chara is their account as such, now more or less retired.) Two more playthroughs of the game, repeated meditation to its music, the act of envisioning and writing stories about Chara Dreemurr...all of these contributed to the vision that I now have of them. Yes, Chara is a criminal, but they are kind and loving for all that. #Undertale

In my vision...Chara fled from a family that crushed them under the weight of expectations that Chara did not want...expectations about identity, expectations about gender. They ran away to die, but a miracle occurred and instead of death they found a loving family of monsters who accepted him as one of their own. Chara should have been happy...

...but they were not, because they ran from one set of expectations into another. Asgore and Toriel were kind, loving, but still they objectified Chara, turning them into not only their second child but "the future of monsters and humans". Asgore calls Chara this, before they died.

Can you imagine being a child like Chara, wanting after harsh and bitter treatment just to live in peace and quiet with their best friend, learning that their new monster mom and dad had, like, PLANS for them? Chara wanted only to forget humanity, forget that they'd ever had human parents, and be like one of the monsters, but no--Chara has to have their face rubbed in it by being made _The_ Human, the representative of all humans. Can one blame Chara for deciding one day that they didn't want any part of it? That the only thing to do, any way they could, was to grab their only friend in the world by the paw and RUN? #Undertale

And what about Asriel? They must have been a bit spoiled, a bit stifled, a bit lonely, and also oppressed by their parents' expectations for them. I imagine that little Azzy did not much like being a prince, when it came down to it, and took what opportunity he could to sneak away and have a little fun on his own. Having a playmate in Chara must have been like water in the desert for Azzy. But after almost suffocating under abusive parents Chara must have been a bit dazzled by the freedom that Asriel had, and it went to their head. I think of "Mr. Clean" from Coppola's "Apocalypse Now", drunk on the "light and space" of Vietnam.

Chara Dreemurr has been painted so many times as little more than a bloodthirsty spirit of pure vengeance. Much is made of their declaration in the Genocide run (which I have only had verbally described to me--I will not play it or watch it) that they are "the demon that comes when people call its name". But remember that Chara's name is _your_ name. The demon is not Chara, the poor abused lay figure on which edgy fanfic writers have heaped their most destructive urges. The demon is the player...the demon is _you_. If _you_ want Chara to be a murderer they will become one for you--and they will *despise* you for it.

So what is the story of Asriel and Chara at the end? I think it's really quite a simple one. I think it's the story of a young human who wasn't happy living with humans, then wasn't happy living with monsters, and hopes that maybe they could take their best friend and run away from both, like Huck and Jim going on the lam in "Huckleberry Finn". And I think Chara told Asriel whatever lie they could to make that happen, playing on Asriel's desire to save his people. But I don't think Chara ever wanted to kill anybody at all, not even the needed six, until Asriel persuaded them to return to their village. #Undertale

And then when the villagers attacked them Chara must have known then and there that there would never be _any_ peace for Asriel and them, they had run away *uselessly*, and in that moment they must have wanted only to strike out in blind rage at all their attackers. Not because they were a demon in human shape, not because they plotted revenge on all humanity...but because they snapped when they realized that _nobody_, not the monsters, not humanity, would ever leave Chara Dreemurr alone to live life with their best friend in peace.

That is who Chara Dreemurr is to me. Someone who only wants space to be themself.

#Undertale

I haven't reached the end of this revisitation of how #Undertale came to assume such a central role in my development as a person and eventual coming-out as trans, but it's after midnight and I should probably think about rest. Hope you've enjoyed it so far! I'll be adding more to this tomorrow I think.

I can't say I'm full of beans for this task right now (the heat's really sapped my energy) but I'd like to resume my lengthy toot-storm about #Undertale and why the game came to have such a profound effect on me and gave me the means by which I was able to emerge from my putatively cismale chrysalis. I left off with a lengthy peroration about Chara Dreemurr and how I interpret their story, ending with these words:

"That is who Chara Dreemurr is to me. Someone who only wants space to be themself."

So now I can get back to the game!

When I finally recovered from bawling my eyes out after "The Walk" (as @listelian told me some friends called the scene where you learn about Asriel and Chara) it was time to fight Asgore. This became something of a comedy, unfortunately, because I lost so many times (like I said, I'm _terrible_ at games) that I finally gave up and backtracked to get the Temmie armor. I didn't have money

so I had to find the "ferry" that gives you 3 gold guaranteed and ride it for many many hours to get the dough for the Temmie armor. Oy!

I've remained somewhat distant from Asgore. Toriel was a little distant at first too, as I've mentioned, but then I formed a new bond with her (more on that later) other than regarding her as an improvement on my mother. And just as Toriel was eerily similar to my mother, who was also overprotective as shit cos she'd been robbed of children, Asgore was oddly like my father, mild-mannered and nice (and into gardening.) I like my father but feel apart from him. Same with Asgore. #Undertale

I've had more difficulty getting into Asgore's character, which bothers me as a writer. I've written a number of #Undertale stories but Asgore's been pushed off the page in all of them. I felt it safe to assume that he'd want to disappear from the public eye at the earliest opportunity, and in any case Asgore was never a leader, really. He was fine as titular head of a stagnant kingdom of monsters in the Underground, but with _real_ challenges ahead, Toriel would be the only credible monarch.

And I could _not_ see Toriel ever reconciling with Asgore, not after what he did. But what _did_ Asgore really do? Let's examine it.

Asgore killed six humans (whether or not they were all children is left open, but it's strongly implied that they were) because he swore he would give his people hope, and only the world-ending promise of breaking out of the Underground and taking revenge on humanity was powerful enough to rekindle the hope extinguished by the deaths of Asriel and Chara. Was it only that which disgusted Toriel to the point of fleeing him? I don't think it was JUST that. Toriel herself points out a way that Asgore could've done it that would have repelled her a bit less. Was it because it implied killing lost children? Or was there even more?

Asgore might not be much of a king but all the evidence is that he was a great warrior, and even Undyne's in awe of his prowess. It's not _entirely_ certain, maybe, but he was the king of the monsters at the time of the Monster-Human War (either that or his dad or granddad or whoever ALSO sucked at naming things, which is possible), in which case he likely killed lots of humans. But Asgore would never be able to pretend that the killing of the seven fallen humans would be morallly equivalent. These would not killing human warriors in self-defence, not hot-blooded slaying. THESE deaths would have to be cold, planned. Murders.

No wonder Asgore destroys your ability to show mercy to him. He does not believe, and will never believe, he ever again deserves it. If you kill him, he dies with a smile (I have not seen this for myself and I hope you'll forgive me for not looking.) He's never going to be anything but a murderer in his own eyes ever again, and he knows pretty well that Toriel will probably never see him any other way, either. (Yet still I can dimly glimpse the way for her compassion to win through, even for Asgore.) To kill _one_ person that way was bad enough, but _seven_? Seven unwitting victims falling into a trap? *sighs*

#Undertale

Mm, spent longer talking about Asgore than I thought I would...I feel like adding that I'm planning to address him better in my writing in future, especially because I think there's no way he'd _not_ be involved in the rescue and rehabilitation of Chara, which is something I'm very keen to get back to.

I think Toriel and Asgore find a way to be friends again. Maybe they even try sleeping together again but I don't think that would work out. I'm thinking of giving Asgore a human girlfriend...maybe my transwoman OC Evelyn from "Something a Little More Plain" that Mona and @kara have been discussing. #Undertale

I must have taken my last break in my first play-through of #Undertale after I finished with Asgore, once I realized there was quite a bit more game left. The Alphys "date" amused the heck out of me (especially Alphys's imitation of her beloved Undyne, _vide infra_) but I had to wonder why the heck Frisk didn't just tell Alphys the letter was Undyne's. They can talk, right? Toriel says she enjoys the sound of their voice. In some fanfic Frisk is assumed to be mute, but I've implied in my writing that they have a bad stammer which whispering alleviates. https://witches.town/media/86pSFhoQkHA2N_P3uvI

Then came the True Lab. Hoo, boy.

I've never played any of the Silent Hill games but I've listened to the soundtracks a bit and I feel there's an Akira Yamaoka vibe to the True Lab music. In the True Lab we find evidence for a lot of things that Alphys was responsible for, including the hint that Alphys was accidentally to blame for creating Flowey.

Some #Undertale fans aren't as forgiving of Alphys's doings as Royal Scientist as I am. I feel like Alphys was an amateur in way over her head, _ordered_ by the King to do the impossible. And Alphys must have been desperate for a plan that spared humanity, too.

Did Alphys breach ethics in experimenting on the monsters who had "fallen down"? Argh...I still can't quite decide. To her and everyone else they were more or less dead, by that point...it is not the DT experiments themselves where Alphys really blew it, in my opinion, but the way she handled the failures. Desperate for a success to crow about she made promises that she couldn't keep, then hid from those she'd given false hope, hid even from King Asgore. And presumably she also never told Asgore about the escape of "the vessel", i.e. Flowey. As I can testify from experience...hating yourself makes it easier to lie.

Alphys also concealed her accidental discovery of the tapes hinting at Chara's nature. They don't make Chara look too good, for sure, especially laughing at Asgore's accidental poisoning. But I can think of different kinds of laughter, not all of them meaning the same thing...

I'll reiterate my view of Chara's "plan" (summed up here: https://witches.town/@kara_dreamer/3365143) wasn't a grand scheme to destroy humanity but just Chara's hasty bolt for the exit. And they had to lie about the purpose to get Asriel to go along. So Chara's a shit, sure...but not _that_ awful a shit. In my opinion.

#Undertale

I have to confess that, as much as I wept when I beheld the story of his and Chara's death, I didn't quite get into Asriel's head on my first play-through, not like I did with others. In fact, getting an understanding of Asriel (and Flowey) that makes sense in my head has been one of my most persistent problems in trying to understand #Undertale and write credible fanfic. I cried while fighting him but chiefly because of the Lost Souls and what they said, especially poor poor Alphys.

You hate me, don't you?

I've got to keep lying...

All I do is hurt people.

;_; https://witches.town/media/AZBlc3ueT1mn5rqDZMI

Since then (jumping ahead a bit) I've put a lot more thought and reflection into why Flowey was the way they were, and how sweet innocent little Asriel could have become that murderous creature, and then the avenging God of Hyperdeath. I've tried to imagine what it must have been like for Flowey, having all these memories and maybe the vague memories of the feelings attached to them, without the ability to create more memories like them. Chara's friendship with Asriel, troubled as it was, must have shone like a beacon in Flowey's mind. If only he could get back to how _that_ was...maybe he'd be happy again.

It's been difficult for me to imagine what being Flowey could possibly be like. My best guess is that he's been reduced to something like a pure observer, unable to attach special meaning to anything he sees because he has no soul to generate the emotional (rather than intellectual) responses to things that are the basis for our sense of meaning. After a while, I imagine, this must have sheer Hell to Flowey, all these monsters and their doings and his memories of them all, inundating him with information that he had no tools to sort. And everything he did just gave him worse and worse memories to add to the load.

When Flowey starts to feel things again cos of the souls he's captured, it HURTS him. Musically the relatively soothing white noise and drumming of the fight gives way to discordant blasts of melody. I feel llike access to any _happy_ memory of Asriel's past must have been like that for Flowey, getting only worse and worse with time. Any thoughts about his mother and father and how they said they loved him when they could feel nothing must have been thoughts to smother as loudly as possible in laughter and noise.

Memories of Chara, though, those were too bright to deny. Even Flowey couldn't forget them. #Undertale

So all that Asriel wants, once he's remembered that he's Asriel again and not merely a mutant flower, is play with Chara, and they want this so badly they see Frisk as Chara. But then Asriel starts remembering what playing with Chara was like, both the good and the bad...the good was, playing with Chara was the only time that Asriel could really and truly remember being happy...the bad was that not once did Chara ever let them _win_.

*sighs*

I know what it's like, not to want to lose. What's more...I know what it's like to know that you can browbeat someone weaker than you into "losing" to you. #Undertale

#Undertale

I think that's what it must have been like, for Chara. Having spent their whole life with humans who beat them down again and again, finally they'd found someone who was so sweet and so loving and so _lonely_ that even weak, frightened Chara could override them. I'm sure Chara exploited this...what horribly abused child, feeling freedom for the first time in their young life, wouldn't take advantage of this power? And I feel like, as much as they must have loved Asriel and wanted no other company in the world but Asriel...Chara simply couldn't help themself.

Hence the anguished cry...LET...ME...WIN!

I think that's about as much #Undertale talk as I have in me tonight. My stomach's roiling a bit and in any case I'll be switching gears in the narrative, focusing more on myself now and not just commenting on the game as I went through it that first time. I will say in brief that after the final fight it was desperately late at night but I stayed up anyway, stumbling through the "victory lap" in a blissful haze, trying not to think of anything but how happy the monsters all were now and how I just wanted to follow all their lives forever now. They were alive in my head as no fictional characters had ever been before.

More on that tomorrow!

So now let me take you, readers (all two or three of you) back to that early morning of 11 April 2016. I'd just finished #Undertale.

I could not sleep for hours afterwards. I went to bed with my mind ablaze and lay awake. I didn't want the story to end. The kindly monsters of Undertale were now as alive in my head as if they were old friends, friends I still wanted to get to know better and spend time with.

No game had ever done this to me before, and very few other entertainments had taken such a deep root in my head. Tolkien, back when I was a teenager, had done so; later Alec and Seregil from Lynn Flewelling. But never characters from a game, till now.

I'd never had much interest in "fanfic" except for one or two transient bursts of interest. I tended to regard fanfic as something that made the most sense when applied to mediocre entertainments that left good characters (or good ideas for characters) stranded in poor-quality scripts. Back when the show was new, for example, I read some fanfic for the Steven Moffat "Sherlock" because I rather liked the portrayals of Sherlock and John while desperately wanting them to inhabit better stories than Moffat could put them in.

#Undertale did something different to me. Right then, that night, I started plotting my own stories.

There followed an explosion of activity and creativity such as I have never known, before or since, comparable only to the smaller (but still significant) outburst of creative energy that came with my decision to "come out" as a furry in 2004-5. That, too, prompted a sudden urge to write stories, mostly semi-autobiographical stories in which I cast myself as an unhappy unicorn boy named Alec Woodward who was raised by human parents who didn't understand him. All terribly precious, and I've lost most of that writing (thankfully). Alec himself survived and transitioned with me, and is now @alyx.
#Undertale

I don't know how many tens or even hundreds of thousands of words of #Undertale fiction I wrote in the burst of creativity that came with finishing the game. (Most of it is here: http://archiveofourown.org/users/Monophylos/works) Not all the stories reached endings but I did finish a few that I'm proud of, most particularly "Crouching Toriel, Hidden Cougar", during the writing of which I completely fell in love with Toriel as I did not _quite_ fall in love when playing the game itself. That _should_ have been a big hint to me, had I the wits to notice it.

But another vital thing happened during this time: @kel emerged.

Maybe five weeks after finishing #Undertale, late one night when I was talking via telegram to my late lamented 2nd partner K., I had a...well, a _vision_ is the only way I can put it. I hesitate to call it a "hallucination", partly because it was largely a tactile experience, and it was something I could dip into and pull out of, not like anything else I had experienced at the time (although I've had a few similar experiences since). It was a complicated, multi-part experience, and it _felt_ very powerfully "spiritual" in that indefinable way. (http://monophylos.livejournal.com/3405.html talks about it a bit.)