I feel guilty everything is going so smoothly for me when I wasn't one of those trans women who knew since they were kids. It's silly. I hate that I'm still playing the trans enough game. But if you asked me if I thought I was trans a year ago, I'd pause, and say, "maybe a tiny bit genderqueer deep down?"
@ikea_femme i still have (silly) reservations / imposter syndrome over a decade in, welcome to the party
granted, i'm not exactly a role model in terms of dealing with my mental/emotional shit in a time-efficient manner; i ignore it for years at a time. i should probably return to therapy to make more progress
@alyx yeah, I certainly had less feelings and more weak ideation as a guy. And I don't so much feel beholden to skirts and makeup as just thinking, "why the hell would I do that?" when I think of any step towards detransition.
@ikea_femme i wear neither skirts nor makeup but if i detranisitioned cool haircut options would shrink dramatically. so, that's a solid no.
anyway, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. the little doubts and such are common so you just ride 'em out and try to be kind to yerself
@ikea_femme @alyx +1 to this whole thread tbh
@viv @alyx I mean, it really comes down to, any change wouldn't really suit me better. Like, yeah, it'd be convenient to not shave for a week, but a beard wouldn't look right to me or my friends. We all know me as a woman. Nor would I want to quit my hormones. I like how they feel, and I think I look attractive in a way I'm comfortable with on them. Those are the two biggest changes I could make with minimal effort.
@alyx @viv
I get the feeling cis people don't wake up celebrating their bodies, but just accepting them in a way we don't get for free. Yeah, they might think their bodies are ugly in some way, but they don't experience that their bodies don't fit. Us trans folk go in wanting to get rid of something that's dragging us down, and we sometimes assume we'll whip from dysphoria to gender euophoria. When it's like, no, we're treating a problem. If you take antibiotics for strep throat, you don't go from having a scratchy throat to getting orgasmic shivers. The sore throat just goes away. And I think that's where the doubt comes from.
@viv @alyx And I get where it comes from, in that a lot of the rhetoric around medical transition is around what great good it does for our emotional wellbeing. But being in a place where you can make yourself happy is not at all the same as automatically being happy and content.
So I'm sort of learning to compare my little "Does gender really matter? It's so arbitrary, and I certainly don't understand my whole mind" feelings with the dysphoria I've lost but can still recall.
@alyx @viv I mean, I'm not always that deep about shutting up aimless doubt. I often just think, "Fuck, I have boobs though."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bEGLbCNRqw
Also, I'm angery I can't do my eyeliner that good.
@ikea_femme @viv yeah. think of it like a simple character generator
choose one of each
🔲 no boobs ✅ boobs
✅ smoller 🔲 larger
🔲 proboscis ✅ nook
🔲 roughy ✅ smoothy
✅ roundy 🔲 squarey
✅ squishy 🔲 solid
by transitioning you compell yr body to gravitate toward the specific traits you prefer and sometimes it can be as simple as that; i like this more, therefore it is good and fine and valid
@alyx I mean, I could be exaggerating how well it goes. But people in Brooklyn are so nice so who knows, maybe I'm manly as hell and nobody cares. 😕
@ikea_femme YES THAT IS THE MOST LIKELY EXPLANATION
;P
@ikea_femme i can't think of another path i could have taken that would have been better or even feasible, though. so that shuts up the little voices when they pop up.