I'm going to steal a thread from my twitter for you pals here. I'd like to type some thoughts out as I reflect on 2017, a year that was full of personal achievements. I want to be transparent about some of the difficulties behind whatever success I had this year.
I started the year deciding between focusing on my tarot deck, finalizing a second volume of my webcomic, or trying to find a way back to working in tech and being a responsible adult. 2016 gave TSW tarot so much acceptance that it was hard not to prioritize it.
But I opted to give some time and attention to my webcomic, The Happiness Agent, wrapping up Volume 2.
2/ I've been working on that comic around work and other projects for 4 years. I care about the characters and their arcs in the story.
But every project I work on is ultimately me being a hedge witch of the art world - I'm trying to teach myself as I work on something fun. And in doing so, I stumbled over some learning curves and blocks. Comics involve -s o m u c h- and I hit a lot of notes that I wanted to.
That said, there are warts in my comic. The story, the art, everything could be done better, and it's hard to develop the skills to pull it off while working on other stuff. So, shelve that for now while I go into a bit of imposter syndrome.
3/ I have it BAD. In everything I do, at all times, I assume I'm doing it wrong. I didn't go to art school, it just wasn't an option for me. I had to dig my way out of my small town and working in tech was how I did that. College was my vehicle into that world.
I enjoy programming, I enjoy sysadmin work, I like working with computers. And I've been doing that since middle school. And even as I got jobs and did well in them, at no point did I feel like I belonged with my peers. And this ATE at my career.
Doubt meant that I came across as incompetent until I had a way to prove otherwise.
4/ If I ever got in over my head, and I did, then I simply crashed and burned until someone more senior could help me out of the mess. And that was the worst position in the world for me to be in.
The senior coworkers were a mix. Some were upset to have to take time out of their day to help a new guy, others were enthusiastic to teach me. But I found something valuable out - There were senior guys who knew less than I did and had confidence to carry them through.
So this was an important lesson - not everyone is a rockstar all the time, your heroes are human and flawed, we're all fumbling our way, etc etc.
6/ I had savings to coast on. I was supremely privileged to be able to work in tech and get paid well and have supportive coworkers. So with those savings I got to making a dent in my wish list of things I wanted to do for myself. A tarot deck. My comic.
The comic never did well but it gave me the practice I needed to pull off what I did with my tarot deck. And when I returned focus to the comic, I still had difficulty. Comics are hard. Never take comic creators for granted, friends. They are amazing for doing what they do!
7/ So last year I had my first comic con. It was -difficult- to sit and be the booth that maybe has the plague at the con that everyone goes around. And I want to be transparent that ultimately what needs to get better is my execution. The con was full of lovely people!
But this brings me to a very important part of my year. Failing in an embarrassing way and trying to keep it together and be professional while doing so. I smiled through the con and when I got home I had a self pity week of despair. As one does.
I haven't had this account for as long as I've been making comics.
8/ I've been making them under one alias or another since college, when I found JTHM and realized they could be -anything-, not just super hero stories. They could be personal and fun and funny!
I -love- them. I love making them, I love reading them, I love the people who make them and the stories they all tell. I like superhero comics but I love indie stories. And I failed at pulling enough of that love together to make my comic baby a good one.
I'm sharing this because I want you to know that even in a successful year, I failed hard and I had to find a way to get back up after, and I didn't do it right away.
9/ I took a hit self-publishing in color and it took the wind out of me for a bit. But I rallied, eventually.
And when I got back up, I had that horrid inner voice screaming IMPOSTER louder than ever, all day every day. And I had to work with it in my face and pull out something of quality in spite of it, not because of it.
That's when I started on The Neon Moon Tarot, which was previously going to be The Neon Moon Comic. Exorcising my frustration over the 2016 election into a violent, neon cyberpunk future. But I knew now that I could use a tarot deck to describe characters and ambiance.
10/ I haven't talked much about funding beyond saying I had savings. It was gone. I had to choose again to continue art or try to join the adults again in office jobs and draw on the side. I chose art and tried to get as far as I could. But another hit came.
My tarot deck sales stopped dramatically. I would later find out that the main forum they had been shared on had closed down. And then I was in a rather dire situation. That was my source of income and it fell out from under me. I scrambled to get things together somehow.
I was honestly looking at having to move back to that small town I had managed to get away from or become quasi homeless.
11/ Those of you who know that I came out this year can probably imagine the reception waiting for me in a small town.
Side note on that - I've been "forbidden" to bring anyone home after coming out. There's the flavor waiting for me. So you can understand that living out of a car or staying with friends was starting to look like a better option.
I honestly don't know what my resume looks like to HR anymore. I've got a huge gap staring in the face of anyone looking to hire me for tech so judging from the nonresponse to resumes I sent out, I'm not the hire that I once was.
I'm going to skip ahead a bit here.
12/ Kickstarter saved me. The tarot community, again, saved me. My friends and what supporters I have saved me. All of you, in ways big and small, contributed to a campaign that funded and hit its stretch goals.
And I was able to get backers the best version of The Sinking Wasteland and I'm so happy it exists now for those who got it. And it bought me time to work on The Neon Moon Tarot, which I can now share, I've completed sketching. It's in the final stretch.
And it wouldn't be where it is if it weren't for those failures along the way.
13/ And I wouldn't be able to complete it without those of you who allowed me to continue working on it. And I hope to share it with you soon. That pretty much takes us up to now.
This year was a success and I wanted you all to know how close to the bone it actually was for me to call it that. So if you have a voice screaming failure in your face, know that it's wrong. Every action you take in spite of that demon feeds your own growth.
I don't know what 2018 has in store for me but I feel like I'm building momentum. I hope it means that I get to help others more because it felt like a lot of 2017 was friends just keeping their heads above water.
14/ I hope that instead of gatekeeping, we can find ways to help.
Quick takes from this ramble: Imposter syndrome is crippling but you can't give in to it. Help each other, don't gatekeep. We save each other in big and small ways. Drawing is hard, comics are harder. Tarot is a lot of fun, you should try it. Failing is growing. Find your way forward. Happy New Year.
/fin
5/ But a more important lesson - the best employees who were happy to teach also tended to be the best developers/coworkers.
Those gatekeeping coworkers and managers who wouldn't give me a chance ultimately hurt their groups on a larger scale than just me. And I had the knowledge sharing coworkers who lifted their company up in ways that wouldn't show up on a spreadsheet at end of year.
OK let's table that for a sec too. I got myself out of a small town, paid rent, saved up, and survived acquisitions only to watch companies I worked for turn into death march hellscapes. The last one that happened to, I noped out and started drawing full time. Two years ago