M of Witches Town @signalstation@witches.town

Thanks to everyone for following a year's worth of my witch-themed microfiction. As this instance sinks into the swamp, please note you can find me over at a.weirder.earth/@signalstation where I'll continue to write the sort of nonsense that used to be found right here.

YARD SALE
Just selling a few things that are starting to clutter the ol' hut. Make an offer

The Mask of Trees - Helps you blend in with trees, make friends with trees, seduce a tree's tree-wife.

The Mask of Illusion - Makes you think you can look like anyone, but that's an illusion. You look like an idiot in a mask that's got no eye holes.

A pile of masks - I forget what these do. Probably cursed.

Even more masks - You know what? I thought I had a problem with clutter but I think it's just these masks, reproducing. Rubbing their fake faces together and breeding.

Come get a mask. Cheap.

Join the priesthood. Join a zoning commission. Rezone Hell as Zone A-C: Arts and Crafts. Everyone works on paintings, gluing macaroni to paper, clay ashtrays. Before too long, there's no more room in Hell-- too much clutter-- and everyone goes free, more in touch with their creative side. Done.

'But what does it sound like?' you ask, without an ounce of trust in me, a complete stranger. 'Will I like it?'

I dunno, do you like eclectic combinations of beats, funk, gospel, punk, pop songs with horror themes, 80s electro and synth pop, half-tuned radio from Egypt, plunderphonic cut-ups and the sense of not knowing what comes next?

If you like your music in blocks of exactly 45 minutes, then I have created the perfect mix for you AND IT'S FREE (except to the extent that time is money because it takes 45 precious minutes to listen to)!
http://www.signalstation.com/the-signal-ep136/

DISCOUNT POTIONS (2 for 3 Pricing - Everything Must Go!)

LOCKPICK'S DELIGHT - 2 sips and the bones in your index finger liquify, allowing you to jam your finger into any lock and gain entry.

WHICH WAY - A quick 8 sips and any boneless finger is reinvigorated, sprouting more bones than your finger has ever known! In all directions!

SUMMON DOG - 1 sip and all of your external bones become irresistible to nearby canines. Cover teeth before use.

MINT - Freshens breath.

NO MORE JERRY - Get Jerry to drink this one. That jerk.

PHANTOM FINGER - Replace any damaged finger with a ghostly replacement. WARNING: Will anger the ghost donor!

4 Signature Scents to Kick Off Summer

Sea Breeze - The waves call to you: Renounce your limbs! Shimmy off of your bones and rejoin the ocean as a jellything, shedding pounds for the perfect beach body!

Book Fire - Relive your childhood with the scent of hiding from the Amnesia Corp, your most beloved story taped to your chest to avoid detection!

Mud - Our beauty staff hired a pig-- a literal pig-- and she's a great writer, but has her own thoughts about signature scents, so... "mud."

MRC20083 - Sure, it burns, but everyone who smells it comes unstuck from time and can ask questions of their ancestors! Get it!

No matter how rough your day is going, at least you ain't died in a molasses flood.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Molasses_Flood

The milkshake. The cold ones. The boys are back in town. They come in waves. Small fences collapse under the weight. Fields churned to mud. They come together and collide in the yard.

From above, patterns emerge as they shuffle and circle. A sharp yelp: a boy has fallen and been hurt. Let's hear it for the boy. Let's give the boy a hand. Oh. It's too late. He's gone.

From all directions, pinwheeling out to the horizon, more boys approach, as sure as sunlight, as quiet as shadows. Why did we call them. What did we hope to gain. The boys. So many boys.

Turns out the reason no boys came to the yard was that the milkshake's attraction field was too intense. For miles around, boys were pinned to the walls closest to the milkshake, unable to move let alone reach doors and visit the yard.

Luckily, we were able to power down the milkshake before any serious injuries were sustained. All further milkshake tests will proceed in flat open areas, like salt flats or the lunar surface.

My milkshake, carefully concealed in the yard, has yielded no results. I shall need a more compelling bait to hunt this most dangerous of game: "the boys"

Now available: LOST TIME INCIDENT 61
Cultists and board games, women's health, a fast-forwarded movie.

The latest newsletter from M Van Vleet, winner of the 2017 Self-Awarded Victory Award.

http://www.signalstation.com/lost-time-incident-61-the-cult-has-a-great-health-care-plan/

Generally, adult female hard ticks breed while on the host animal and then drop to the ground to lay eggs. These poly-ticks can also have multiple partners of any gender. Isn't tick-jealousy an issue? According to entomologists, the answer is "No." An adult female hard tick has to do the hard work of negotiating and setting clear expectations with each partner before laying several thousand eggs at a time, which will eventually hatch into the larval stage, known as seed ticks.

cyburg (n): a wireless hamburger

i dunno, that's all i got so far

tired: replacing your head with a wasp's nest and all your thoughts with the angry rustling of paper

wired: replacing your head with a bee's hive and all your thoughts with the slow drip of honey