M of Witches Town @signalstation@witches.town
so long, witches.town
please forward all scrolls, message crows, and visions to: a.weirder.earth/@signalstation
Thanks to everyone for following a year's worth of my witch-themed microfiction. As this instance sinks into the swamp, please note you can find me over at a.weirder.earth/@signalstation where I'll continue to write the sort of nonsense that used to be found right here.
YARD SALE
Just selling a few things that are starting to clutter the ol' hut. Make an offer
The Mask of Trees - Helps you blend in with trees, make friends with trees, seduce a tree's tree-wife.
The Mask of Illusion - Makes you think you can look like anyone, but that's an illusion. You look like an idiot in a mask that's got no eye holes.
A pile of masks - I forget what these do. Probably cursed.
Even more masks - You know what? I thought I had a problem with clutter but I think it's just these masks, reproducing. Rubbing their fake faces together and breeding.
Come get a mask. Cheap.
Realtime Reportage: Feline-Assisted Saturday Chill Session
https://youtu.be/AoGe_ioIzl4
I meant to be writing, but now I have a cat on me. Change of plans.
I literally saw two people on Masto talk about their TinyLetters and a flickering lightbulb came on. "Maybe all these people liking your posts might want more?"
Oh jeez. If marketing instinct were an organ, mine would be an appendix. And already removed, in a biohazard bin.
Oh yeah, sometimes I send out a newsletter with short fiction and stuff. I'm terrible at self-promotion.
https://tinyletter.com/signalstation
4 Genius Tricks For The Smoothest Legs Ever
1) While you are still an idea, unformed, before you're drawn to this material plane, influence one of your parents to be an octopus
2) Distribute 2-for-1 discount coupons to every hair on your legs. Thanks to financial incentives, your hair will keep doubling until you have a smooth pelt like an otter.
3) Replace your legs with mathematics. Run your hands along smooth sine curves and explain to the curious that your lower limbs are now leg-orithms.
4) Let two seals attempt to eat your legs, but ask them to stop at the hips.
@signalstation Santa, the Capitalism Warlock?
Nobody talks about how Santa, a powerful thoughtform, manages to take over the minds of millions of parents to make them do his bidding annually. They sign To/From cards on his behalf. They purchase toys with their own money! Gladly!
Your garden variety psychic sensitive or card-guessing ESPer is no match for this monster from beyond the snows.
So we just let it happen, year after year. We celebrate this psychic parasitism. Only in these summer months, when he's weakest, can we even post about it, disguising it as jest.
It's Friday and we all know what that means! It's time to spend time with our Mirror Twins and get them to admit that the world we can see behind them on the other side of the mirror is a better world than this one! All week, our Mirror Twins do little more than confirm that we've combed our hair correctly, but now it's Friday and it's time for TRUTH!
LET US IN THAT MIRROR! QUIT PRESSING YOUR BODY TO OURS, PREVENTING US FROM PASSING THROUGH!
IT'S FRIDAY, LET US IN!
office work/academia gothic:
-your supervisor is always on the phone. you don't know who she's talking to. whenever you answer the phone there is only a recording on the other end, never a person.
-you print pictures and cut out shapes for children's programs. you never see the children, but the things you make disappear. you hope this means your offerings are being accepted.
-the interns always seem startled when you clear your throat. they always look at you with wide eyes. or maybe they're looking over your shoulder.
-everyone seems to have a scheduled lunch break but you. you eat at your desk. why are they trying to keep you here.
Top Three Draculas in the Tri-City Area:
1) Jerry the Dracula - Runs that nightclub where they got the red strobe lights and the blood showers go on at 3 a.m. out there on Route 4. Real nice.
2) Maybelle Dracula - Just a sweet lady, full up with stories. You'll find her luring in folks with sweet tea on her white porch, friendly as you please, but them folks don't come back.
3) Chuck the Double-Dracula - College boy, says the word for 'em all ain't "Dracula" but "vampyr" so we call 'im DOUBLE-Dracula. Heh. College boy. Nice, otherwise. Helps folks with their taxes and whatnot.
To all runner-up Draculas: better luck next year!
Teenagers from Outerspace is a bad movie.
Like, really bad.
But look at this surly teen skeletonizing a dude with a flashlight.
How cool is that?
@pixelpaperyarn He's the only person I've ever fought, and we are good friends otherwise.
Also, there is a line in "Forever Bummed" that sums up the whole EP.
"These songs all suck/These songs all suck."
Then again, "I think I'm out of key again" is probably the only line on the EP sung in key, and that's also on that track.
Man, I miss those idiots.
Jon, the singer, is obviously pretty garbage at singing. He also wrote all the lyrics about 10 minutes before they recorded the EP. He'd been improvising them for two years, and no one noticed because the sound in the venue was so shitty.
For reasons I'll never understand, I tried to physically fight him every time I saw him.
Once, I broke one of his fingers (and he played the show anyway.)
This is odd, because I'm a nice person, as is Jon.
Ryan, my business partner, jumps in the middle of things immediately and is like "Dude, chill. Why do you have a sword."
And the old dude responds "I was voted most chill in high school. I'm giving this sword to Alec as a sign of respect."
So, from then on, Alec had a sword with him when he played on stage.
Just in a scabbard on his back while he played guitar.
@pixelpaperyarn So, he owns the business on the corner, and he's SUPER drunk.
And they're just yelling at one another. My business partner at the time was this ... scary person So he goes and breaks up the fight, right? He explains the situation, helps people calm down.
A few minutes later, the old dude comes back. This time he has a sword.
@pixelpaperyarn https://thenewclearlawnchairs.bandcamp.com/releases
I have so many stories about the recording of that EP.
Like so many.
So, first, the name "Voted Most Chill in High School" came from the wildest event I've ever taken part in.
The guitarist was this tiny kid name Alec. And he tried to pick a fight with some old dude in the parking lot in front of the record store/venue/recording studio I was running. Right?
Turns out the dude owned the business on the corner.
@pixelpaperyarn If you like sloppy punk, the New Clear Lawn Chairs are hard to beat.
But if you don't like Sloppy Punk the New Clear Lawn Chairs sound kind of like human suffering.
"I always steal coins with my left hand, so's I can keep my STABBIN' hand free!" https://witches.town/media/woZBA4CFl6RUAvCMMrc
Trying to write fiction in another window, but keep poking my head back here for short mental breaks. What are you avoiding doing?
4 Ways to Fix the Most Common Shaving Mistakes
1) Apply oil and old parchment to a mirror in a door's shape. A small sacrifice should allow your mirror twin to exit the mirror with its untouched skin and take over your life while you recover.
2) Curse the gods until, out of fear, they restore your skin.
3) Never shave. Let dark winds and your weird will animate every hair on your body into a beautiful weapon for use against your foes.
4) With 3 sharp intakes of breath and a virgin's eyelash, cause time to reverse until your razor's blade is restored to ore in a mountain's heart. That'll teach it.