M of Witches Town @signalstation@witches.town
so long, witches.town
please forward all scrolls, message crows, and visions to: a.weirder.earth/@signalstation
Thanks to everyone for following a year's worth of my witch-themed microfiction. As this instance sinks into the swamp, please note you can find me over at a.weirder.earth/@signalstation where I'll continue to write the sort of nonsense that used to be found right here.
YARD SALE
Just selling a few things that are starting to clutter the ol' hut. Make an offer
The Mask of Trees - Helps you blend in with trees, make friends with trees, seduce a tree's tree-wife.
The Mask of Illusion - Makes you think you can look like anyone, but that's an illusion. You look like an idiot in a mask that's got no eye holes.
A pile of masks - I forget what these do. Probably cursed.
Even more masks - You know what? I thought I had a problem with clutter but I think it's just these masks, reproducing. Rubbing their fake faces together and breeding.
Come get a mask. Cheap.
Trying to write fiction in another window, but keep poking my head back here for short mental breaks. What are you avoiding doing?
4 Ways to Fix the Most Common Shaving Mistakes
1) Apply oil and old parchment to a mirror in a door's shape. A small sacrifice should allow your mirror twin to exit the mirror with its untouched skin and take over your life while you recover.
2) Curse the gods until, out of fear, they restore your skin.
3) Never shave. Let dark winds and your weird will animate every hair on your body into a beautiful weapon for use against your foes.
4) With 3 sharp intakes of breath and a virgin's eyelash, cause time to reverse until your razor's blade is restored to ore in a mountain's heart. That'll teach it.
Anyone got any recommendations for poisoners? My usual guy retired, so here I am with dueling season approaching and all my swords are just ... unpoisoned.
my million-dollar fantasy setting idea, based on a tumblr post:
-high fantasy setting but humans have southern US accents instead of European
-dwarves have midwestern accents
-elves have brooklyn accents
-orcs are appalachian mountain people. their war chants are backed by banjo and slap bass. at least one background orc is always wearing flannel and overalls buttoned on only one shoulder.
-dark elves have british accents but they're all chavs
THREE WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP THIS SUMMER
1) Marinate your partner in a brine for four hours. While their skin loosens, you can pass the time reading them love poems! When it’s loose enough, slip their skin off their skeleton and put it on yourself. Touch yourself through their skin. Let them watch you dance in it. Tell them how hot their skeleton is. TIP: Don’t forget to reglove them before they dry out!
2) Spanking! Have you tried it? Oh geez! It’s great!
3) Open a portal to the CoLoUr Realm and go with your lover outside of time, never to return. Rates are reduced while our realms are nearest! Any travel witch can arrange the trip!
It's Saturday and you know what that means! Time to swap out the cartridges on the respirators that keep us safe from the Plant Fog and time to lead the children in writing polite letters to the Vegetable Lord asking him to spare us from his green judgement!
"promise me you'll do three things before you kill me"
"what."
"like, comment, and subscribe."
HOW TO GET A BEACH BODY
1) Write down on parchment a list of everyone who wants to see you fail.
2) Go to the beach under the light of the moon.
3) Wet the sand with tears, form it into a humanoid shape.
4) Insert your list into the shape's "head".
5) Complete the 18th Ward (Diremoth's Chain), command the winds, and utter 3 lost names.
Voila! Your beach body will rise, ready to confound your enemies.
TO DISMISS: Say aloud "I look good" and believe it. This may take some practice.
My writing partner has arrived to keep my typing hands steady.
3 Rules Anyone With Oily Skin Needs to Follow
1) All oil should stay on the outside of your skin. All of those who have attempted the reverse have liquefied and now live in tanks, or in village wells, cursed.
2) Never allow yourself to be kept from any Temple of Fortune. With your oily skin, it will be easy to squeeze your way through the Goddess Chimneys that they provide to allow Fortune herself to come and go as she pleases. Won't the guards be shocked to see you winning at the games tables, shiny and glowing, despite their attempts to ban you?
3) Continue following our beauty tips, for though you are already beautiful, education is forever.
Get those third through eighth eyes added to your face that you always wanted! Confound your foes who will never know when you're sleeping! Extend your mouth lines to your ears so no one can outsmile you! Push the limits of friendliness to their breaking point! Once your face is numb, the sky's the limit!
@sydneyfalk
Tattoos! Sure, some women get basic tattooed makeup. YOU'RE NOT SOME WOMEN. Go for the gusto. Get everything done. (Also, if you've read our newest body mod article, it's a great time to get your eyelids pierced while you're there, because you WILL need general anaesthesia for your whole face and eyelids and lips.)
5 Ways to Keep Your Makeup From Sliding Off Your Face This Summer
1) Befriend a gorgon or basilisk. You'll find them near sculpture gardens. Bring a gift basket of cheeses and a willingness to give face time and you're most the way there!
2) Craft an iron support mask with adjustable leather straps and never take it off.
3) Drink Solomyn's Ichor Solution #8 to seal over your pores. You'll sweat with your tongue, like a hound, but that make-up won't move!
4) Transform into a being of pure energy and disperse into the cosmos.
5) Lacquer? I dunno. Some kind of glue? Face glue? As a last resort, if the other tips don't work?
HOW TO GET A BEACH BODY
1) Write down on parchment a list of everyone who wants to see you fail.
2) Go to the beach under the light of the moon.
3) Wet the sand with tears, form it into a humanoid shape.
4) Insert your list into the shape's "head".
5) Complete the 18th Ward (Diremoth's Chain), command the winds, and utter 3 lost names.
Voila! Your beach body will rise, ready to confound your enemies.
TO DISMISS: Say aloud "I look good" and believe it. This may take some practice.
Think I just got drafted into pillow service.
YOUR TAROT READING:
THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE PAST: The Knave of Flowers. In the past, you must have seen some flowers. Probably should have bought some.
THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE PRESENT: The Ungifted Anniversary Card. Don't need that now, do you?
THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE FUTURE: 10 of Stamps Collected. A free gelato awaits for your next visit. Eat your feelings.
The Signal: EP135 - Now available, exactly 45 minutes of music specifically designed to introduce you to your new life as a member of the orb’s collective of special helpers.
We’ve got cut-ups, hip hop from France, the sounds of summoning cows & gods, dub blues(!), psychobilly, pop, face-melting rock from Belgium, and a song about tossing your ex into a volcano.
Adopted a few strays from the dollar bin yesterday.
Frankie Says RELAX!
(source: The Living Mummy #10 - Dec 1974)
The Signal: EP135 - Now available, exactly 45 minutes of music specifically designed to introduce you to your new life as a member of the orb’s collective of special helpers.
We’ve got cut-ups, hip hop from France, the sounds of summoning cows & gods, dub blues(!), psychobilly, pop, face-melting rock from Belgium, and a song about tossing your ex into a volcano.