M of Witches Town @signalstation@witches.town
so long, witches.town
please forward all scrolls, message crows, and visions to: a.weirder.earth/@signalstation
3 Rules Anyone With Oily Skin Needs to Follow
1) All oil should stay on the outside of your skin. All of those who have attempted the reverse have liquefied and now live in tanks, or in village wells, cursed.
2) Never allow yourself to be kept from any Temple of Fortune. With your oily skin, it will be easy to squeeze your way through the Goddess Chimneys that they provide to allow Fortune herself to come and go as she pleases. Won't the guards be shocked to see you winning at the games tables, shiny and glowing, despite their attempts to ban you?
3) Continue following our beauty tips, for though you are already beautiful, education is forever.
Get those third through eighth eyes added to your face that you always wanted! Confound your foes who will never know when you're sleeping! Extend your mouth lines to your ears so no one can outsmile you! Push the limits of friendliness to their breaking point! Once your face is numb, the sky's the limit!
@sydneyfalk
Tattoos! Sure, some women get basic tattooed makeup. YOU'RE NOT SOME WOMEN. Go for the gusto. Get everything done. (Also, if you've read our newest body mod article, it's a great time to get your eyelids pierced while you're there, because you WILL need general anaesthesia for your whole face and eyelids and lips.)
@kingu_platypus_gidora A fine choice! Good luck!
5 Ways to Keep Your Makeup From Sliding Off Your Face This Summer
1) Befriend a gorgon or basilisk. You'll find them near sculpture gardens. Bring a gift basket of cheeses and a willingness to give face time and you're most the way there!
2) Craft an iron support mask with adjustable leather straps and never take it off.
3) Drink Solomyn's Ichor Solution #8 to seal over your pores. You'll sweat with your tongue, like a hound, but that make-up won't move!
4) Transform into a being of pure energy and disperse into the cosmos.
5) Lacquer? I dunno. Some kind of glue? Face glue? As a last resort, if the other tips don't work?
@sydneyfalk Now I'm tempted to swipe headlines from Cosmo & see how far I can take the concept, layering weird witchy takes on top.
@sydneyfalk It is called witches.town and subscriptions are free, baby!
HOW TO GET A BEACH BODY
1) Write down on parchment a list of everyone who wants to see you fail.
2) Go to the beach under the light of the moon.
3) Wet the sand with tears, form it into a humanoid shape.
4) Insert your list into the shape's "head".
5) Complete the 18th Ward (Diremoth's Chain), command the winds, and utter 3 lost names.
Voila! Your beach body will rise, ready to confound your enemies.
TO DISMISS: Say aloud "I look good" and believe it. This may take some practice.
Think I just got drafted into pillow service.
YOUR TAROT READING:
THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE PAST: The Knave of Flowers. In the past, you must have seen some flowers. Probably should have bought some.
THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE PRESENT: The Ungifted Anniversary Card. Don't need that now, do you?
THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE FUTURE: 10 of Stamps Collected. A free gelato awaits for your next visit. Eat your feelings.
The Signal: EP135 - Now available, exactly 45 minutes of music specifically designed to introduce you to your new life as a member of the orb’s collective of special helpers.
We’ve got cut-ups, hip hop from France, the sounds of summoning cows & gods, dub blues(!), psychobilly, pop, face-melting rock from Belgium, and a song about tossing your ex into a volcano.
Adopted a few strays from the dollar bin yesterday.
Frankie Says RELAX!
(source: The Living Mummy #10 - Dec 1974)
The Signal: EP135 - Now available, exactly 45 minutes of music specifically designed to introduce you to your new life as a member of the orb’s collective of special helpers.
We’ve got cut-ups, hip hop from France, the sounds of summoning cows & gods, dub blues(!), psychobilly, pop, face-melting rock from Belgium, and a song about tossing your ex into a volcano.
GENIE: And you're sure that's what you want?
ME: Absolutely. Replace every vampire's fangs with a big ol' straw-shaped mouth, like a mosquito. That'll show 'em. Try and seduce our womenfolk now, Count Straw-Face!
see also: vampire cow
see also: Space Turnip
@kel I guess... I'm glad it found its audience? Eventually?
Howard the Duck delivers plenty of that "it's just comics, we can do anything" anarchic energy.
If you saw the movie by Lucas... oof. Sorry.
But I'm totally down for tales of man-frogs and other high weirdness.
MACHO MUMMY ARTICLES - MAY 2017
* Canopic Jars: Camouflage or Black? This Season's Manliest Colors
* Is Your Body Wrapping Pattern Sending the Wrong Message?
* 10 Easy Ways to Show Osiris That Your Soul Can Still Deadlift
* D' Nile Is Not Just a River Nearby... It's a Key Emotional Tactic!
@Lanthus