sev @sev@witches.town

anyway, that's why I never want to go anywhere.

This anxiety makes NO SENSE and it makes me SO MAD and that's the only way I manage to function -- I fret and get spun up and finally I'm frustrated enough to mad my way through the necessary tasks that otherwise seem inexplicably insurmountable.

So now my body is full of SCARED and MAD and there's no place to run to and nothing to run from and it is just all icky and UGH.

anyway, I now have a headache from gritting my teeth for the two hours it took to make plans but I have an unreasonably expensive hotel reservation and a plane ticket and I'm spending four nights in Manhattan for GaymerX.

and it will be fine.

I don't know why I never believe it will be fine. it's always fine, why does buying plane tickets make me want to cry and hide?

When I was 20 I made a last-minute trip to New York for the Stonewall 25th anniversary celebration. I went with only the rumor of a place I might stay. I maxed out my credit card for the plane ticket. My ATM card turned out to not work on the east coast. I turned up on the doorstep of the organizing committee with my bag and no plan, and volunteered my help in return for the crash space I'd heard about on usenet.

Everything went just fine.

Where did that brave girl go?

I mean really. Look at ALL THESE TIMES I've travelled. Often ALL BY MYSELF. And time and again IT'S ALL FINE. Successful travel, over and over again. So why does making plans turn me into an anxious mess for days?

how about I just never go more than 50 miles away from home?

ugh, that sounds miserable, too.

saw that guy I'm starting to think of as "the ex who I only ever see at the grocery store."

It's hard to remain irritated with him; he's always so happy to see me.

I'm looooopsided. Damn sadists who think it's funny to leave only *one* nipple sore. *hmph*

but I don't waaaaaannnna have to buy more bras.

I have squirreled away a cinnamon roll for Later and I am supremely content. It doesn't take much.

why yes I am considering digging a hole under this hammock so my ass doesn't scrape the ground when I'm in it

I have stubby little toes but at least this week they are shiny https://witches.town/media/UZn9nWDSYoRekdZShCo

I went to the grocery store and the g-f bakery and now I'm going to eat potato chips and a lemon bar IN BED.

so there.

Today everybody else got hot dogs and I had tortilla chips and dry lettuce. And tomorrow I'm likely having lunch and dinner both out of whatever I can carry in my purse.

It's not like it's news to me that I'm hard to feed. But I am so, so tired of being surrounded by people eating things I can't have. As if I needed more reasons to hate being around people.

@starkatt *hugs and hugs*

too scared to sleep. dammit.