SeaW @seaw@witches.town

Elle est en forme aujourd'hui #LTPatoune https://witches.town/media/hDfP8tKSXTfm2nBUh0A https://witches.town/media/B4i7lf7-30exyvLthzI

https://mst3k.interlinked.me/media/cpPPmuqhm2FHG4V7e88

Esprit critique et ouverture d'esprit.

L'ouverture d'esprit va dans la forêt et s'intéresse à tous les champignons.

L'esprit critique choisit les champignons à mettre dans son panier.

L'ouverture d'esprit, seule s'empoisonne là où l'esprit critique meurt de faim.

(#Fluid, casquette esprit critique)

i often feel silly talking about my difficulties with weight. it seems like a trivial problem, a side note, an annoyance. but honestly? it's a nightmare. not being fat itself. that's actually fun. everything around it though.

growing up fat, or even just overweight, doesn't just make it difficult to love your body - it denies you the basic privilege of even accepting that this is your body. the first time i was put in a dieting program was when i was 8. my parents tried to get me to do sports that would keep me "fit" and "a healthy weight". and mind you, my parents are NOT dieting freaks, or thin, or controlling - they genuinely thought this was good for me. it wasn't.

throughout my entire life i struggled to accept that this is my body. for the longest time, i didn't understand the basic dimensions of my body (knocking things over, bumping into things, even ducking wayy too much when i didn't have to at all, etc). we always thought i was clumsy until my therapist recognized that i had been spending most of my life completely dissociated from my body, with diminished sensation and all.

i struggled with eating disorders for so many years, yet I'm considered healthier at 60kg than at 100, for some reason. there were times i genuinely wanted to kill myself because there was no way out of this body for me other than starving myself, which i also hoped would end in death (i wanted to be a "thin, beautiful corpse". how fucked up is that?) - i reiterate, i wanted to be a thin corpse rather than a fat person.

don't even get me started on social repercussions. the bullying was atrocious. but the most insidious social repercussions were how my worth was always reaffirmed as less than my thin friends' and partners'. this came to a peak during my abusive relationship where my abuser explicitly framed me as a lucky, ugly, fat person for being with her. it justified the abuse and solidified the power imbalance.

when i was raped, i got that reaction when i tried to begin speaking out. i was lucky to have gotten attention. i thought this was true for too long.

i put up with stalking and sexual harassment because i thought i would never be desired.

my best friend told me, after i lost a third of my body weight to anorexia, if I'm still a lesbian since "now that you're pretty, you could get boys too". i thought she was justified in what she said.

also? i wasn't even allowed to be feminine really. i didn't start expressing myself in a feminine way until i was 19... partially because i had no access to clothes in the women's section, partially because i was ridiculed and bullied the more i tried to present "feminine" aka "cis white thin" aesthetic. i had such a hard time even thinking of myself as a woman until i started entering queer spaces. i wasn't even really a person - let alone a woman.

i love food, cooking and eating. but not being ashamed of that is basically impossible. my thin friends could eat junk food without being shamed, but i don't think I'll ever get rid of this underlying feeling that i should be the person eating the least, despite being the biggest, heaviest, tallest. anywhere you can get "healthy" options the focus is on calories. not vitamins, minerals, ... i could go on.

also, being fat and having an eating disorder? fun. i never fulfilled the criteria for an official anorexia dox bc after one year of eating next to nothing, fainting constantly, starving myself i wasn't considered underweight for my height. i looked like a corpse. but somehow, at 60kg i was, on paper and to society at large, "healthier"  than i am now, at 100kg.

i feel like, when ppl talk about body image it's still not quite seen as something that fucks up your very core, your entire self perception and every part of your life. fat people are beautiful, yes. fat people deserve the same respect anybody else does, yes. but you have to understand how deeply ingrained the shame and hatred can be, right down to the warped perception of your own body and worth, because of the toxicity of this society.

i don't think i will ever have an accurate image of what i actually look like in my brain. I'm slowly reconnecting to my body. it's not trivial, and it's not a side note. fat shaming and the dieting industry has shaken and disturbed me to my very core, and i despise all of it. i find fat bodies beautiful. and I'm slowly starting to apply that to myself. but after all that, you don't shift your perception overnight, and not on your own.
thank you for reading.

i didn't think she was justified with the homophobia, just that i was "prettier and more desirable". i didn't understand until later that the reason i felt safer and less shamed in queer spaces was because deconstruction of social norms and pressures was happening there and extending to weight.

https://witches.town/media/pLKLJq7YIuH1l0JogTo

#privacy

BORDEL.
DE.
MERDE.

Voilà que Microsoft va brancher Cortana sur Skype. Cortana va écouter toutes vos conversations privées et vous suggérer des choses (restaurants et autres) en fonction de vos conversations.

Bon ok c'est opt-in, mais c'est encore un truc que les Kiloolol vont trouver super cool et qui bouffe encore plus votre vie privée.

https://betanews.com/2017/10/09/cortana-skype/