patience ❎ @patience@witches.town

i get a little punchy with my remarks when i'm this sleep-deprived. i guess this would a good time to others to see how hot my takes can get :P

given things for which i've bore witness over the years, i realize i've an established bias against cis white lesbian women who even hint at old-guard essentialism. (she did so by grousing how they "didn't cast a butch" in Boys Don't Cry)

i can feel my walls of self-protection go up the moment they (the white part is totally core here) use exclusive coded language or refuse to look you in the face once they know you're trans

i realize i don't want to have this bias, this prejudice, but i'm also recalcitrant abt not wanting my people to be wiped from the public/social realm or from existence by intx'nl centring of themselves over us

also, she stated early on how she disliked labels (as do so many queer folk, myself included). the way she argued it, though, suggested she disliked being *described* in any capacity

she gave me a couple of dagger-eyed looks, however fleeting, when i'd be looking at her and saying 'cis' generally in the context of our discussion. she never framed anything she said in the context of intersectionality. then when she learnt that next month's book is April Daniels' Dreadnought, and asked me what it was about, she seemed to lose interest promptly and didn't join us at the circ desk to pick up her copy

it's like some things never change

because of anti-D adjustment issues, i've missed at least two instalments of monthly queer (ok, LGBTQ) book club hosted by the public library. i went tonight, and there were new faces

for the most part, it was really good. there was an awesome Black lesbian woman in her late fifties with great historic hindsight on stuff happening in this city back in the ’70s and ’80s

but a cis white butch a few years younger than me came in just after i did & sat next to me. and for nearly the entire night, the tension between us was palpable. i could almost feel her bristle the couple of times i brought up radterfs in the discussion

just now clicking that i'm being kind of bitchy to everyone i've run into today — good folks i know who've done nothing untoward — and then i deduced it might have to do with the sleep deprivation thing

on this overpacked streetcar, I keep noticing people with fresh haircuts, and then I remember it's been 11 months for me and I just get all… https://witches.town/media/PGBJFnG7yAtSiS3pxyA

the amount of sleep i got after turning in for bed at 5a: cumulatively, maybe a half hour of actual sleep with a preponderance of resting wakefulness. this trade-off for not having the worst of depression symptoms is a hard bargain

restless leg syndrome you are one sick bastard

and now it's making me possibly drowsy

ok i am a really bad (now-dormant) scholar of nocturnal ecosystems, chronodisruption, and illumination planning, because in the year of our Common Era, 2017, the 30th of May, i have only just installed f.lux for the first time ever on my computer

yeah, i'm totally gonna die of breast cancer thanks to years of chronic disruption of pineal-based melatonin secretion, but i guess in my infinite foolishness, it's like a pioneer of discovering radioactivity and not realizing the effects of alpha particles until it's way too late and DNA mutations cause a runaway mess

anyway, my screen is now disturbingly orange

hrm i'm being saucy and salty and tangy on birbsite this evening

ok update I somehow look more redeemable after dark, after sweating profusely, my face dripping, and letting humidity fritz my hair wtf idgi
https://witches.town/media/Y1NaFViemp6c66jj2hE https://witches.town/media/oTj2fwDWLiupdLCu-18 https://witches.town/media/fe0q3Q3EBIoo1JY2Uek https://witches.town/media/FJyyxsO2qJt6Gnk3PJ4

then again, a cute nerdy girl just smiled to me at the sufferin mall (but to be fair to her, the lights are down low here)

(maybe no one else notices it, but this major depression which started almost three years ago has aged me dramatically)

salvage operation https://witches.town/media/tYQPH8s_rlq9-s2PbFM https://witches.town/media/y8B8aQA4pPJlu9MF_qw

6…! 6…! 8…!

the neighbour of the beast!

this afternoon i'm watching the five banned episodes of mister rogers neighborhood on a clandestine YT link only two days old

the utility for others is to be aware of the names of folks still around, and whether they are doing good by our people or are doing wilful harm, idk

i don't plan to ever write a memoir because there's already a surplus of memoirs by trans women to last us until at least 2063

from time to time, i think about the people whose paths have crossed mine over the years — from the legendary to the ignominious to the relics to the forgotten — and i realize that i'm probably without peer (at least for the window of time i'm thinking about)

i guess a part of me has thought about writing out a list of the names before, but as i get older, it seems like it might be useful to others to know this stuff, too. but again, i don't want to dump a memoir on myself or anyone else