patience ❎ @patience@witches.town

evergreen song of mine, sort of my manifesto for everything: https://youtu.be/0eAg6j5vWr4?t=867 (14:27 into the set)

my bff of 20yrs got married for the first time today and I couldn't be there because of documentation reasons. while she knew this as far back as two years ago, my guilt for not being there has really weighed on me, which might be part of the reason why I'm feeling this. and talking abt my old graphic art work with @sophia and dissing my own work is happening. and I think I annoyed two people I regard as friends, old and new, on birbsite earlier today

right now I'm spiralling downward emotionally and questioning myself and whether I'm a bad person, but the meds I'm on are keeping the floor from bottoming out into the abyss of despair and anxiety. even so, the feeling is still not pleasant and all my old self-doubt about my capabilities and self-doubt about being a decent person are preoccupuing me and making me low-key freak out

how's your night

i made a good loaf of bread and a not-so-good loaf of bread tonight. this is the good loa https://witches.town/media/j_K0m8nQeQ3z8dq4DgY

now i have this narrative stirring in my head of other people speaking up and saying to me, "i regret being your friend, patience," followed by them moving their proverbial chair further away from me or by saying "good-bye"

i dislike my head. the above messages are not literal/perceptual voices, not literal/perceptual whispers (thus not schizoid), but basically they're old mental proxies installed by my ex-mum when i was still a kid. i think all this cptsd therapy these past two years has helped a lot to rid of the proxies, but i guess the mechanisms still exist

(maybe calling these old mechanisms *rhizomic* might be more accurate)

maybe i'll feel better after i bake some things in an hour or so

well great, let's see whether or not i can make it through my mis-calibrated day without beating myself up psychically any more than i already have so far

i'm still not sure whether january-me would have expected may to be as bad as it is in the US or whether january-me had something far worse in mind. i haven't written anything in months because of depression, so i can't look back on that

task #1 done

onto task #2

tonight's goals

make (up to) two loaves of bread (let the dough rise)
fix a computer (minor)
groom things
actually write an email or two
some other stuff idk yet
flirt at least once

me i'm tusky
tusky you
https://youtu.be/pJqNM19ueMs

seven years before kirsty was killed in front of her children, i got to meet her and shake her hand and thank her for the music she'd brought to the world. she was modest

kirsty's work had a profound impact on my life

i just listened to a live-on-TV recording of a kirsty maccoll song which i love (because kirsty maccoll), and it was the first time i'd run into the live version, but i won't post it here because the title of the song contains the words "sonny jim"

must mutual crushes always be in another city

new new update

well, i ruined much of my day, but on the bright side, i got some quality rest, so that's something i guess

despite my brain feeling tired, i've given up on getting back to sleep, so i'm brewing a cup of coffee

good day

fun update

since last update 13hrs ago, there was two hours rest, followed by three hours rest, followed by another hour or so. some weird, short dreams happened, and i've forgotten them. i'm still drowsy, but awake, so it being 3:30 local, i might try to sleep again.

pleasantly, the windows are open and there's been a steady, gentle rain for the last hour. it sounds wonderful

on the upside, maybe a more cherubic appearance might make me look younger and cuter but let's be real… i doubt that entirely (the whole 'a polished turd may be shiny but it's still a turd')

latest restless leg remedy advice:

1) stop drinking caffeine [noooooooo]
2) maintain a routine sleep/wake schedule [but wait how if legs keep you awake idgi]
3) take a medication which may make your face puff out [what]

hi again it me, still up. i almost got to sleep, but then got stirred back by legs. then i took an important phone call. now i'm alert again and this is ridiculous