patience ❎ @patience@witches.town

this is about the point when my brain wants to shut down to rest (despite the time locally), but my legs are having other ideas involving derailing that rest plan :/

oh hello feet and legs…

it's a good thing i'm not trying to go to sleep right now, because you're being very unpleasant

i've been watching much of the mister rogers marathon, which has been calming

at this very moment, the woman who played lady aberlin is chatting with other twitch-goers about her memories of being on set and it all being a whirlwind

afterwards, could i interest anybody in some ryuichi sakamoto

could i interest anybody in the style council

on birbsite i'm feeling a bit astringent abt some dfab "i'm not cis & i'm not trans i'm gnc but i still called you a word one thinks of when one refers to dangly bits". they (pronoun not specified in their profile) said how cis dude songwriters in the ’80s were very hard to find who weren't writing misogynist/racist crap & they got huffy when i showed otherwise

so now i'm listening to the style council cos the style council were great… esp on confessions of a pop group. so i'm hoping paul weller, mark talbot & dee c lee will leave me from this exchange feeling much more sweet & fresh & a lot less like tea tree oil mixed w/ witch hazel, if you get my meaning

i think i'll start with actually plucking and shaping my eye brows for the first time in well over six months. what i'd been trying to do is to see what would grow out in the places where i'd been plucking for 20+ yrs. annoyingly, the areas i'd plucked from more, from the very bottom, grew out, but closer to the usual eyebrow line it reaches, the growth stops. this sucks

one hereditary thing i did not get graced with was good, even eye brow hair growth, and sort of like those with freckles, i do get a wee bit jealous at folks who can grow thick, even brows with the latitude of shaping a little or a lot

i think my puns are finally getting a little worse

that feel when you do something which sort of puts you out there and then you wonder whether that was a wise plan or not

I'm arriving to that part of springtime when I begin to think about aesthetic grooming again

why do I always do this

hot take:

if "dead-name" ends up being recognized by merriam-webster or any other non-etymological history equivalent (i.e., excluding the OED) before the word "compersion" does, i will probably die a happier woman

as it is, my body has slept maybe six or so hours over the past 48hrs

between the two anti-Ds (one with the restless leg side effects), the max daylight hours for the next eight weeks, and being on my third coffee of the day, i don't see my body is able to do much sleeping more than maybe once a week (solely because my body finally shuts down for more than two hours)

this seasonal time of year is both a blessing and a curse. it's a crying shame i can't put some of this daylight and surplus energy into a reserve of sorts for when mid-november into early february is upon us

earlier today on the streetcar i saw a early twentysomething hatchling board with her dfab friend. it was clear this was one of her first days of articulating a femme dialect of gender. seeing her brought back a lot of old, but not negative memories

but the whole time i was thinking, "girl, you're the future, and the future is looking bright". i didn't say anything, but seeing her brought me hope and pride in my people as it does these days

now i'm the ancient people. wild how that happens with no warning or fanfare

there is a sliver of myself who wishes i could go back to my 22yo self and tell her, "go to berkeley, don't go to western NYS, and get into something tech-oriented. stay out of marketing comms."

that way, while it's true i may have fallen into the trope of a prescriptive vocation permitted & expected of trans women, i also wouldn't be broken & poor today, and i probably wouldn't have made any civil justice history whatsoever, and i'd probably not be named patience and on and on and on

(i can say all of this with a sense of relative confidence, given end-stage capitalism's obsession with tech money and employment)

i deeply resent what cis people have fundamentally locked me out from being able to do

for some reason, i'm really feeling the loneliness on this day much more than on most days

don't mind me. get on with your day

i would be delighted to be with a girlfriend or a datefriend and to share that connection and to take care of them in the ways i am capable of doing, but i remain too ashamed of not being financially independent, not being able to work in the field i formally trained for, and not being done with my years in cptsd therapy

i don't want to be that around anyone, so i will continue to not date and not be involved, even casually, with others. it's not fair on them otherwise

i think i've a clearer sense of what's going on w/in me

this sense of demoralization is a function of my long-term struggle with the compound and substantiated belief that i'm stupid (or not smart enough) & worthless to the capitalist labour market, and to have someone whose main positional/structural advantage is they're in the sole sector which this end-stage capitalism vaunts, it exacerbates a lopsided conversational field

one must show confidence, but may feel insecurity deep down inside; the other isn't very confident & also struggles with residual insecurity which has diminished after 2 1/2yrs of ctpsd therapy & healing work

rough guess