i would be delighted to be with a girlfriend or a datefriend and to share that connection and to take care of them in the ways i am capable of doing, but i remain too ashamed of not being financially independent, not being able to work in the field i formally trained for, and not being done with my years in cptsd therapy
i don't want to be that around anyone, so i will continue to not date and not be involved, even casually, with others. it's not fair on them otherwise
for some reason, i'm really feeling the loneliness on this day much more than on most days
don't mind me. get on with your day
i deeply resent what cis people have fundamentally locked me out from being able to do
there is a sliver of myself who wishes i could go back to my 22yo self and tell her, "go to berkeley, don't go to western NYS, and get into something tech-oriented. stay out of marketing comms."
that way, while it's true i may have fallen into the trope of a prescriptive vocation permitted & expected of trans women, i also wouldn't be broken & poor today, and i probably wouldn't have made any civil justice history whatsoever, and i'd probably not be named patience and on and on and on
(i can say all of this with a sense of relative confidence, given end-stage capitalism's obsession with tech money and employment)