I've been honestly so worried about gender stuff and actually getting this job that I hadn't even thought about anything related to doing the job. ._.'
Honestly a bit nervous about that? But not too much.

Interestingly, I'm confident about everything performance wise. Which is like… kind of a first honestly?

I'm really irritated that my mind is still like "your gender is going to cost you this job and everything you are planning to do for a trip out there won't be possible" like
Please
Fuck off brain
For like a little bit?

This is why I kept saying like… my stress is never going to stop at a particular level of security. I'm always going to be this scared fucking creature ha ha

I'm so hard on myself and I don't know how to stop lol. It's like, practically all I know how to do