I... think I have a legit problem here at this point.

Though I feel -substantially- better (and WAY more functional) emotionally with the Spiro, something subconscious is snapping back, HARD! Same feel I think that nixed the orchi back in May.

It's getting to where I'm winding up in a sustained back-and-forth (which I'm sure my kidneys love! XD ) trying to match an inner fire with a working social psyche, and not let the latter burn me and everyone nearby.

I should make clear, I am NOT going E-only again. Not after that.

Last time I did this and dropped spiro though, it felt like a man-rage reset overnight. Like the hormonal buildup just... ended. And the bad crap gradually formented over weeks.

So... what gives? Subconscious, what exactly are you trying to tell me?

@KawaSeadrake are you sure its rational stuff or maybe its fear based?

@nire Honestly, at this point I have no clue. What would it be a fear of? Maybe a holdover from that lead-up where I wouldn't have been able to turn back? (Gonna have to give this one some serious thought, I think)

@KawaSeadrake fear of things you cant turn back on, fear of irreversability, idk

@KawaSeadrake like im not saying you have these or that i think you have them, just that they are possibilities and probably the most likely of things i can think of, applying experience of others

@nire I could see that, thing is... logically, I know by now things shift around within literally a -day- of dose changes mentally.

And from everything I've experienced recently, there is literally -nothing- good that T provides for me. In fact it may as well be poison.

Then again, the subconscious doesn't function on logic...

@KawaSeadrake you can also boost drive other ways

@KawaSeadrake i forget /what/ they are other than erection pills (though that chicken-and-egg bootstraps it), but there are some that deal solely with arousal

@KawaSeadrake also its not theres nothing that t provides for you, its that over a certain dose t provides not great things for you -- everyone needs some, or you get extreme exhaustion

@KawaSeadrake which is basically 'dont nuke it and maybe consider patches if you want more drive after orchi/whatever/gonadal atrophe but you can stay below those doses'

@nire Hrm... I don't -think- that's the problem? In fact that 'inner fire' has proven basically useless? I never really got my masculine -libido- back, but I got adjacent anxieties full force. And I didn't get a -get up and fix things- drive from it either.

@nire That's what's seriously bothering me here. The pull is fight-or-flight grade and IT MAKES NO FREAKING SENSE!

(I'm not listening this time around FTR, but... damn if this isn't spiking my body/meatbrain dysphoria hardcore)

@KawaSeadrake i mean its one of thsoe things where you can still go back to cycling the testosterone if in 2-3 months its still going -- journaling will help