Sarah @mimtschan@witches.town

@iliana yeah, true. ugh. (i just realized another thing: those dude's parents are loaded as fuck and it won't fucking hurt him even if he takes a semester more than the absolute minimum.)

but in the other hand, i feel like i didn't make it clear enough that i can't? i just said "might not be able to", nothing indefinite, and also when he said "if he doesn't let me do it on my own, you're staying in" i just answered "ok" because i didn't have to deal with it. and also I'm thinking if i react angry now then I'll be the reckless person who just leaves others hanging after all.

@iliana yesyes very wanted, thank you 💜💜

another update: he texted me now that our advisor won't be in office before January 2 and thar he "suggests i do start working on the project"

this is really all i need, everyone. more people believing that i "don't want" instead of "am not able too". that makes it soooo much easier to shut down my own shit brain about it.

@gracie oh. I've actually never considered that my self doubts cone from what my parents have literally told me.

thank you. i think that kind of helps. because then the self doubt can be what my mom made up and the voice of reason is my own that has questioned those things and knows better.

@lizardsquid it is. and i really didn't need it on Christmas and while already being in a bar place recently.
*accepts hugs gladly and snugs you*

at the same time I'm just so hurt and angry that my mom can't see that I'm trying my best and that I've always earned my own money and never asked my parents to support me and that I'm trying to find a solution that works since my current situation obviously isn't and instead of supporting me she sees me as a failure and keeps saying to my face how disappointed she is. this really, really hurts

it's just so fucking difficult if you work on believing yourself and what your body and brain need and try to do enough self care but then your mother says all your self doubts out loud and that makes it kinda very VERY fucking difficult to not believe they were true all along

so after ruining Christmas yesterday by bringing up against better judgement that i want to pause uni and work for now and shattering my mom's world apparently i am now back to feeling shitty and lazy for not doing anything and a weight everyone has to carry and the princess that just sits there giving orders while saying to everything "no can't do that" even though i probably could

update on this bullshit: he wrote the advisor too as an answer to my email (that just said that i couldn't continue for health reasons) that if he can't continue alone, i would stay in and help anyway.

@meena @bea his question, because i say "bay-ah"and matti says "bay", but it's probably "bé-ah" right

i am writing these words influenced by our mighty goddess indica.

can i make a religion for weed pls. i think weed is the saviour of the world and it's truth needs to be brought back to the people so everyone can feel better. cannabis is the divine plant.

i think weed was nature's way of giving us a cure for everything
and as long as people have been using plants for things, weed has been used for practically everything, to cure anxiety, pain, and sickness. the human evolved to be a being that functions best when stoned, using different strains depending on the purpose
there was no disease or disorder, everyone just took their weed like they'd eat and drink
then someone had the idea that it was evil magic or something and then it good vilified all over the world
and now humans don't take their needed meds and that's why everyone feels bad
(i do not claim any historical accuracy here)

ok. interesting. smoked weed and all that's left from the pain is exhaustion. feels like earlier the pain was so tense that it wasn't even recognizable anymore as exhaustion. and now i do. so i rest again. hmmm.

btw i didn't mean that i hate Christmas but it's not a good day to be knocked out - i wanna have a good time and i also still have stuff to do.