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i went looking for a picture i took of a sunset and stumbled upon a bunch of old pictures from like 2013-2015 and i feel
strange
looking at old pictures of myself made me feel kinda bad like, i'm not really very different from that person. i have marginally better politics and i'm better at making video games. i haven't really gone anywhere.
and also it's reminding me of when i felt like i actually had like, friends, and a community, both of which i think i have now but it feels different. i don't trust anyone anymore. the world is so much worse than it was in those pictures, which kinda compensates for my personal mental health improvements to keep my sadness at equilibrium.
i've been kinda feeling like shit about that lately anyway. i spend a lot of time very unproductively looking at like, apartment listings i can't ever feasibly afford.
i'm about to move out to the middle of nowhere which means i'll leave the house even less than i do and have even less autonomy. i am so incredibly sick of depending on other people, of having what i do fundamentally in their hands
i've been sick of it for years though and that's never done anything. harumph.