OK! I've decided to start telling a very long story here, in my trademark blizzard of toots. I may or may not finish tonight and I'll CW everything except first and last toot so hopefully y'all won't mind if I spam thousands of words at you. For this is to be the story of me and #Undertale, and how I didn't know I was a transwoman until Undertale opened my eyes. It's the story also of "Manon", the nickname I've given the entity that first made itself known to @kel through listening to the "Undertale" theme music back in fall of 2016.

I wasn't "Kara Dreamer" in the spring of 2016, and "Kel the Purple" was nowhere to be seen either. At the time I was a presumptively cismale unicorn furry named "Monophylos Fortikos"; most friends called me "Mono". Life was going pretty well for me and my polycule; I had a reasonably active social life and my 2nd partner K. was still happy to be with me. I'd gone through a pretty big scare earlier in the year when my father fell seriously ill and was twice confined to hospital, but the scare was over and I felt I could tackle something new for a change. That new thing turned out to be a game called #Undertale.

#Undertale wasn't that new, then. A number of my acquaintances were already raving about it and I'd picked up a few details about "goatmom" and "butterscotch-cinnamon pie" and the excited whispers about a game where the object was _not_ to fight anyone. Two friends in particular were especially encouraging, one of them my 2nd partner K., and finally I started playing the game.

I should mention here that I am no gamer. Aside from Guitar Hero / Rock Band games I had never played any console game, ever, and certainly never played any JRPG. So even the _type_ of game that Undertale was, was new to me, and I played badly.

Still I stumbled my way forward through the Ruins until I got to Toriel's house. She already felt a bit like an old friend cos I already knew about her from admiring pals, but there remained a little distance from her that puzzled me a bit when I thought about it. I blamed it on being spoiled but now I don't think it's that: I think it's because at first I identified her with my own mother, with whom I had a turbulent and ultimately failed relationship. Since then I've come to love Toriel far more deeply--but for a very different reason, as it eventually turned out. I left the Ruins, yet only intrigued by #Undertale.

If I might digress for a minute, I've been increasingly struck on subsequent playthroughs how almost all of the incidental monsters' dialogue hints at stasis, stagnation, a waning hope that some day everything will change. Monsters are seen waiting it out in bars and restaurants, cooling their heels by malfunctioning elevators, laboring away in jobs they hate, maybe indulging whimsical fantasies about what freedom might bring. (And then there's poor, wretched Onionsan...) #Undertale is a world of lost and stranded souls, a true underworld, as powerful a setting for a Greek-style mystery as the Homeric Hymn to Demeter.

Of course by the time I fought Papyrus I just wanted to be his friend. I still want to cry a little at how perilously close he comes to admitting how lonely he is only to heap it all on Frisk! Then comes Waterfall, and a drastic change in mood.

Waterfall really got to me. The eerie chimes of the "Waterfall" theme haunt me to this day (curiously K. once told me it was music that shi found restful), and the blue-tinged dark, the phosphorescent flowers and crystals, and the records of the monsters' wistful desire to see the true night sky again...and memories of the terrible war with the humans that nearly wiped the monsters out.

Waterfall also meant...Undyne.

_Vide infra_.

Strange how Undyne is nothing but a brooding, murderous presence in the game, trying from the moment to kill you by any means, yet...I do not remember feeling even _once_ that she was evil. Ever. Papyrus vouches for her from the very beginning. Monster Kid worships her. Every monster who mentions Undyne speaks her name with pride in her. How could I possibly be angry with her? So I ran and I ran, detouring over to poor lovable Napstablook's house (more on them later), until finally there was nowhere left to run.

#Undertale https://witches.town/media/MKOqsYVrpbdMzmtxY9E

I've mentioned being bad at games, so I was slow to grasp that the secret to standing up to Undyne in #Undertale is to run. Run, run, run. Instead in the first couple of bouts I tried to stand my ground as long as possible. If you last long enough, something happens that you might not catch all of, if you play the game "well": Undyne's anger that you won't just lie down and die turns, with increasing wonderment and stunned silences, to outright admiration of your courage. "Alphys told me humans were determined!" When I finally stumbled and fell in battle with Undyne I felt bizarrely like I'd _let her down_.

And then that "date"! Oh my, it's maybe one of the best sequences I've played in any video game, at once hilarious yet also managing at times to be poignant. It's where you first get the hint that bluff, confident Undyne is still fearful in her way. She's pining for Alphys but can't tell her, she's afraid for her friend Papyrus's life but can't tell him, she's haunted by a troubled past (making you wonder...just how happy _are_ the monsters' lives really? do even the kindly, forgiving monsters of the Underground turn on each other in their captivity?) By the time I left Undyne, #Undertale had me by the heartstrings.

Next up was meeting the fascinating, problematical, and (for me anyway) intensely sympathetic character of Dr. Alphys. I love Alphys as fiercely but (I hope) clear-mindedly as @mona loves Pearl from "Steven Universe"--seeing them almost as sisters, but never forgetting just what colossally broken people they are. How Pearl got that way we can fairly well guess; the source of Alphys's self-hatred remains a mystery, though I am preparing to take a plausible guess when I get back to writing #Undertale fanfic.

I've met folks who dislike Alphys, just as I've met those who detest Pearl. I love both.

I wasn't sure what to make of #Mettaton at first. (He always deserves the hashtag--he likes whatever publicity he can get.) I kind of accepted him as a villain at first, rather irrationally, for on a subsequent playthrough I had to admit Mettaton's logic made a lot of sense. Mettaton's a genuine fan of humanity because of their entertainment, and wants to join them as an entertainer; if he kills you and uses your SOUL for himself, all humanity is saved (till the next fallen human comes along.) Alphys spies on you, spins plots about you, and lies to you about false dangers. Why then did I feel that Mettaton was wrong? #Undertale

I think I finally picked up on the fact that, while what #Mettaton tells you is more or less true, the big pink egotist is also an _actor_, perfectly capable of writing himself into a heroic role. I am certain that this is what he promised Alphys, the night that he discovered his old friend's precious stash of fanfics about befriending a fallen human and saving them from the hazards of the Underground and becoming best friends. For Alphys also loved humanity and its culture and its science and its technology—and Mettaton promised to be the stage director who could make that promise come true. She dreamed, but HE enacted it.

#Mettaton turns out to be a big softie anyway. "Mad, bad, and dangerous to know", for sure, but in the end he has to do what his fans want him to do, for he genuinely loves them. And he genuinely loves his cousin Napstablook, too. In a way they represent the ghost extremes when it comes to body dysphoria. While his cousins are content to inhabit any old object Mettaton wants a body that he can be proud of, while Napstablook simply can't see the point of getting a body at all. Blooky seems to prefer to be without a body altogether, as his habit of zoning out to music hints at. #Undertale

Now things got _really_ intense for me.

I do not feel capable of commenting on this scene, so I will only cite it: the story the monsters tell you in New New Home, the story of Asriel and Chara and how King Asgore is giving the monsters hope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb8LuokrlAM

...You should be smiling too.
Aren't you excited?
Aren't you happy?

You're going to be free.

#Undertale