g, which is short for "goth" @lichclown@witches.town

*gazes longingly at the $80 vape i want while knowing full well i have $20 in my account*

i accidentally made lavender rock candy and its Really good and i want to make more

me, looking at the drawing of randall i have open in sai: i want to k*ss this man :////

im still bitter at how gay tumblr basically told genderfluid people we gotta Pick a Side if we want to call ourselves gay

the good thing about taking my adderall approximately 5 hours before bedtime is that when the crash comes i can just Sleep

i kind of want to change my icon to sth recognizable but im so attached to Sweet Randall

ok here's some real tmi talk: i have a BIG humiliation/degradation kink but i wouldn't be comfortable actually engaging in it unless i was Really comfortable with the other person/people because there are boundaries there that are very easy to cross

also the fact that uhhh when i was ~17 i was heavily dysmorphic and also craved attention and i made a wg blog (i didnt post nudes but i did post pictures of my stomach) and i had my age listed and i distinctly remember an adult woman saying sth like "it's so great to see younger people in the community" and i'm still Immensely Skeeved

man i have a weird relationship with fat/weight gain kink because i don't think it's Inherently Bad (it's something i'm into honestly) but it's so fucking creepy when people try to pass their fetishes off as ~representation (esp if theyre not fat) like, i remember this one super popular hs artist who drew a lot of fat fetish art and got lauded for being ~progressive and it was so. Bad

apparently discourse is happening but i havent actually seen any of it? anyways i'm gonna work on drawing stuff

i'm considering drawing up some illustrations to promote the wizard ggh.... it would be fun even if i wouldnt make any money from it

ANYWAYS the point is that that's in the past

the worst part about that was that i wanted to talk about it but i felt like talking about it would Alert the people watching me

like. my Weird Thinking /usually/ isnt particularly distressing, except for the times in the recent past where i 1) thought that i was in a simulation and being experimented on by aliens and 2) on a separate occasion thought that the government was monitoring me

and those were really frightening and a Bad Time and like... i don't Dislike talking about it but also talking about it opens up my brain to believing it again and i'd like to avoid that

i doubt i'm going to develop schizophrenia (which i was like... super convinced of like a month ago bc of family history and prodome-like stuff) but i know that ssssometimes people consider stpd to be on the schizophrenia spectrum? and it's basically, schizophrenia but less debilitating afaik

and i'm /pretty/ sure i have stpd but it's tricky because transient psychotic symptoms are /also/ a bpd thing. so who knows!

magical thinking and ideas of reference can be Harmful when theyre distressing (and ive experienced very distressing examples of them) but when it's stuff like "i'm destined to revive a show that i like and write a biography for the lead actor" it's actually pretty nice. it is Way better than "the government is spying on me" at least

i'm making getting the wizard released officially for home viewing A Goal

this is probably a combination of adderall and schizotypy but i feel like. things happen for a reason. like, i was introduced to this show at a time when i was (and am) super depressed, unable to go to university, jobless, etc and the whole "never give up, anything is possible, etc" theme of the show is REALLY speaking to me atm

and i have! connections in film and particularly restoration and preservation

this is what i'm supposed to do i think? this is what the universe wants for me