kitsch [active at chitter.xyz] @kitsch@witches.town

maybe
maybe instead of frustrations,
maybe i should write about why i want him here

the jerk-logic part of my brain says that i can't possibly know why i want him here if i don't know anything about him

but i think that's not entirely true, and if it was then it's not entirely an obstacle either
because i can just, go on my feelings

because i -do- want him here, to be closer to me, to be more of himself, so i can see him, hear him, talk to him, enjoy his companionship (more then vague presence companionship), feel safe with him, watch him be whatever he is, and just to know he's here and he's safe and he'll be alright

i can feel myself vaguely taking on nonbinary-masculine feelings when thinking about this. does that mean anything? idk.
i don't want to like, appropriate his essence or claim it as mine or anything. that's one big worry.
though that's probably nonsense, even if it -is- him that i'm mirroring or being influenced by, and not just a separate feeling-mood-shift-thing.
idle note-taking i guess

in the past, when there's been constant, inscrutible, misery-making feelings like that... there's usually some specific cause behind it. having the wrong hormones in my brain. shitty shaming parenting. dust mite allergies.
so i can /hope/ that, like the others, there's some simple thread to pull on that will unravel this and bring another layer of clarity.
maybe that's what i want to be looking for. if i can?

there's a feeling i get when i think i'm pushing my expectations or feelings or fantasies or wandering attention or intrusive thoughts
onto what i imagine to be presences or soulbonds or whatever.
and trying to stop myself makes it worse because it adds a sort of panicked resistence to everything.
i don't think i can trust feelings or images, unless this feeling is absent. i think i can kind of recognize it now, but it's there the majority of the time.
...what am i supposed to do about it?

i probably wouldn't be talking so much about this except i'm stuck here again with nothing to do for seven hours, like i am every sunday

and like. crap, maybe i'm even wrongly assuming the fact that he's even called Lion or has lionish aspects. maybe he's just A Friend. maybe he was the lion doll but changed over time. i'm fine with that. maybe some of the vague feelings would indicate it. but maybe not!! i don't know!!

and like see, i'm overthinking it again, trying to guess at every possibility based on scraps of experiences and lots of murky downtime. challenging the wrong assumptions, i'm sure.
maybe i should try to just not care? maybe i have to wait indefinitely? maybe there's some kind of focused excercise i can actually do in my state?

i just want my lion!!!!

@Lioness 🦁

i know what i want to do is ask around for suggestions about how to... i don't even know exactly. reach out to lion? know more about him for certain? be able to talk with him? empower him?
but i'd predict that suggestions would be things that, based on past experience, i can't do.

something more than vague feelings and overthinking and second-guessing and wincing with anxiety and sabotaging myself, and sometimes, -sometimes- having a minute where it almost starts to make sense.
this morning, it seemed almost like he could be there. but it's all buried so quickly just by being conscious of it. or just by existing.

i really want. this.

i worry a lot that the mental images i have of Lion are wrong. i don't know how to tell what he is actually like either way. but i really want to know

if Lion does exist with life of his own, i wonder if he still looks like the lion doll or like something else, or if he's still nonbinary-masculine, or if his personality is excitable and bubbly or if i'm just projecting.

[goodbye to halos, part 1 page 4]

💤

i'm not doing anything the last week. i'm not foggy-brained which is wonderful. but i'm not thinking or trying or even wanting to get any kind of progression on pleasant or unpleasant goals. it doesn't feel so bad, because i don't really care. maybe this is a kind of rest.

corvid curiosity

i finished invisible inc on experienced mode with the double-length campaign dlc. i feel happy in feeling this game is Done! i was going to buy into the breach afterward but it just doesn't look punchy or satisfying. so i bought a few recent transgendery fictions instead

fever pitch

afraid, lonely, in danger of floating away. no parental figures would help me. they could have, so so easily, but they wouldn't even acknowledge my fear, and always met me with confused disinterest, apathy and absence, or accusatory fury.
i could always feel the darkness that filled our home and made every direction into eternity, and i knew it would some day draw me in or simply pull me away gently, and there would be no returning, and then i'd be even more alone, and lost, and unheard.