kitsch [active at chitter.xyz] @kitsch@witches.town

related: i think i have some guilt about abandoning westernized tulpamancy attempts. saying "it never happened. nothing came of it" isn't a good solution for that, even if it seems like part of the answer.
again, i have a tendency to try to leave my problems behind.
but in my current state there's nothing i can do in the area of plurality, regardless of whatever it is i _should_ do or what the reality is or was. i mean, i couldn't do anything back then either.

this might all sound negative, like i'm flipping the table out of frustration again, and frustration is likely part of it.
but it feels like a good thing, because i can focus on the stuff that has meaning and how to interact with it, and not worry about the stuff that doesn't matter.

>
tulpamancy attempts didn't do anything besides train my brain to produce vague symptoms of plurality.
lion does exist, in some form. he may be a presence too, he may be involved with internal dialogue, but there's no way to know.
dissociation/detachment generally isn't an indicator of anything going on behind the scenes.
if i want to believe i'm experiencing something alterhuman-related, i will end up tricking myself while nothing is really there.

probably!

>
archetypes and character connections are a way of expressing what i can't otherwise. they're also escapism from the reality that i'm nothing special.
changes in opinion or other subtleties could be a median thing but are equally or more likely a bpd thing.
i can't fully explain the presence(s), but i would guess that primarily they're the result of tulpamancy attempts, plus intrusive thoughts and attention disorder.
>

hypothesisesis:

rhea is foremost an internet persona, and i've adopted some of her traits because she's a core part of my image.
i can swap out thought-tones or mannerisms easily. i can also gain faint brief phantom limbs easily. it's just my neurotype.
internal dialogue might just be me alone, and is how my brain works at this point.
>

i feel connected (or simply fond of?) to characters pretty easily. but it's always clouded, for a few reasons.

i feel self conscious. i think specifically it's because i don't want to disrespect a character's essence, which might be an anxiety i don't need.

worse though is that intrusive thoughts happen a lot and they combine with attention disorder. i can't get them out of the way and they corrupt what i'm thinking about. i don't have the tools to prevent it.

you know what they say,,, fiction is stranger than truth

in the previous episode, our intrepid heroine attained the ornate key that was described in her father's notes. in today's adventure, she finally explores the enigmatic attic, and learns a secret far stranger than what she would have ever imagined.

aw hell, i don't want my night to end with an onset of feeling socially gross. blehhh. oh well.

i need another ridiculously oversized shirt or maybe a hoodie where my arms aren't long enough and i can flap the sleeves around

(this has not actually happened in the last couple days but i'm sure it will not long from now!)

-neatly sorts identity pieces into sensible simple arrangements on a shelf- ah! finally. perfect. -all of it suddenly flies away with a 'twanggg' and scatters all over the room-

for reference https://twitter.com/got127official/status/965313474611073031 !

i saw a joke, ran my eyes over it, fully understood the joke, and then after about five seconds of continuing to stare i actually "-got-" the joke and laughed at it. thank u brain

listening to Sticky Things by Ceekayed, on loop. catchy little thing, might've linked it before. https://modarchive.org/module.php?37533

(rhea's not even my character, so that's another source of awkward feelings, but at this stage in the connection it's probably too late to worry about that. it'd only be an issue if i do something especially public for some reason.)

i ffffff... i don't even know. i've been pondering on whether to just embrace rhea as my internet persona, moreso than i had been.

i mean. there's a discomfort with it, because that discomfort is present with any character connection i have. i think i'm starting to understand why that is.

i swear it gets longer every year

[source http://hyenafu.tumblr.com/post/106722606539/rhea-how-long-is-your-tail-as-a-result-of-my] https://witches.town/media/qgnuoScRsUYjdX-cNkc

occam's pointy thing: the simplest hypothesis is often the simplest.