kitsch [active at chitter.xyz] @kitsch@witches.town

the cat is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! (dramatic music)

i have successfully babbled until it became light outside, so now i feel justfied in doing morning activities

also brain is going on a tangent of like. how there's a big disconnect between the specific expectation to fill "how are you," and the way that life is actually experienced and thought about, which is why it's impossible to answer without effort and discomfort. <<

in theory i could ask flatmates to not demand-ask "how are you" of me, but i think i tried that and they don't remember or don't get it. they are generally cooperative and respectful though.

and i have been wishy washy about it myself. i have a conflict between needing to isolate myself but keeping social opportunities open.

maybe it's that i need to communicate on my own terms.
like i do online: sort of talk about it when i want to, not when other people give me an expectation to fill. ..?

i assumed that's not an option, and that i have to do it in the framework or timing of "normal/neurotypical" interactions.

"So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered."

apparently a quote from someone named John Green.

this feels important to me.



there's a second part, though i personally don't get much out of it:

"I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad."

@Raspberryfloof this sounds like a familiar pain </3 it's a bad place to be in.

is it possible to take some comfort in knowing that people (such as KS i assume!) enjoy your presence or are happy to see you, regardless of what you're doing or not doing?
i know it won't fix what's wrong with making things or belonging, and doesn't help the feeling that you're inadequate or replacable (if i've understood you correctly), but it might be something to hold onto in the meantime.

Kitsch (Part 1 of 1)

i wonder if there's any chance of finding a list of all the games that were featured on RealArcade when it was still running

kitsch has a squishy nostalgia spot for a certain kind of early 2000's pc games and demos

remember that game AirXonix and how the little helicopter pod you controlled had a alien-sounding voice and also screamed when it died

slurp, but i mean, also crunch

so, ok. stepping back a little.

apparently i consider almost everthing to be either an impulsive thought or temporary or a mundane quirk or some combination.
i hadn't had any luck actively reaching inward or trying to lay out pathways outward.

SO! i expect something 'real' to feel different and to somehow circumvent all that.
which is not... a good expectation to have, i suspect. it's strict and passive.

i'm not sure what my alternatives are. i need some kind of filter, but a less heavy one...?
and i accept/assume that physical health issues and stress make it unfeasible to try reaching inward again. hmm.

also when thinking certain thoughts, i basically internally say "nooooo" and try to like, mentally convulse them away.

it's a really bad habit. i think it was formed in response to intrusive/impusive thoughts. but it extends to many thoughts involving characters/soulbonds/potential-systemmates/something like that.
i'm not describing it very well.

maybe it's basically any thought that would supposedly 'decide' part of their personality or opinions?

which would leave little room for anything genuine.

and feeds the cycle of intrusive/impulsive thoughts and brain clenching and uggh. hopefully i can unlearn this bit?

hmmh. i'm not happy with that second post. i'm not sure why at the moment, but there's something about it that seems wrong or distorted. sorry about that.

so like the reason this is so frustrating is that even the act of observing will mess up whatever it is that i observe.
earlier today, i thought i was getting feelings/influence from Lion.
but as soon as i noticed it, my brain clenched onto it and i immediately got impulsive thoughts based on what i -thought- he might say. they're not the same; they feel different, i've learned to recognize.
and so right away, it's ruined. i get a brief glimpse of something now and then, but even noticing it will screw it up, even moreso if i actually try to -focus- on it... it's so disheartening and i don't know what i can do about it.

Gnarly Boob
Tubular Boob
Way Cool Boob
Awesome Boob
Groovy Boob
Mondo Boob
Outrageous Boob
Funky Boob

2016 dream snippet i don't remember: "A stray black cat turns out to be Percy, a magical witch-cat with a witch outfit and small broom"

in 2016 i had a dream in which cyberspace was an alternate dimension that, with the right knowledge, you could physically enter. it overlapped the real world, and its environment and layouts were the same as the real world's. but you wouldn't see any sentient creatures unless they were also in cyberspace.

barks directly into the microphone

@senemura @typhlosion -surprise fuzzy hug pounce from the side, followed by climbing-