if Lion does exist with life of his own, i wonder if he still looks like the lion doll or like something else, or if he's still nonbinary-masculine, or if his personality is excitable and bubbly or if i'm just projecting.

i worry a lot that the mental images i have of Lion are wrong. i don't know how to tell what he is actually like either way. but i really want to know

i know what i want to do is ask around for suggestions about how to... i don't even know exactly. reach out to lion? know more about him for certain? be able to talk with him? empower him?
but i'd predict that suggestions would be things that, based on past experience, i can't do.

something more than vague feelings and overthinking and second-guessing and wincing with anxiety and sabotaging myself, and sometimes, -sometimes- having a minute where it almost starts to make sense.
this morning, it seemed almost like he could be there. but it's all buried so quickly just by being conscious of it. or just by existing.

i really want. this.

and like. crap, maybe i'm even wrongly assuming the fact that he's even called Lion or has lionish aspects. maybe he's just A Friend. maybe he was the lion doll but changed over time. i'm fine with that. maybe some of the vague feelings would indicate it. but maybe not!! i don't know!!

and like see, i'm overthinking it again, trying to guess at every possibility based on scraps of experiences and lots of murky downtime. challenging the wrong assumptions, i'm sure.
maybe i should try to just not care? maybe i have to wait indefinitely? maybe there's some kind of focused excercise i can actually do in my state?

i just want my lion!!!!

there's a feeling i get when i think i'm pushing my expectations or feelings or fantasies or wandering attention or intrusive thoughts
onto what i imagine to be presences or soulbonds or whatever.
and trying to stop myself makes it worse because it adds a sort of panicked resistence to everything.
i don't think i can trust feelings or images, unless this feeling is absent. i think i can kind of recognize it now, but it's there the majority of the time.
...what am i supposed to do about it?

i probably wouldn't be talking so much about this except i'm stuck here again with nothing to do for seven hours, like i am every sunday