in the past, when there's been constant, inscrutible, misery-making feelings like that... there's usually some specific cause behind it. having the wrong hormones in my brain. shitty shaming parenting. dust mite allergies.
so i can /hope/ that, like the others, there's some simple thread to pull on that will unravel this and bring another layer of clarity.
maybe that's what i want to be looking for. if i can?

i can feel myself vaguely taking on nonbinary-masculine feelings when thinking about this. does that mean anything? idk.
i don't want to like, appropriate his essence or claim it as mine or anything. that's one big worry.
though that's probably nonsense, even if it -is- him that i'm mirroring or being influenced by, and not just a separate feeling-mood-shift-thing.
idle note-taking i guess

maybe
maybe instead of frustrations,
maybe i should write about why i want him here

the jerk-logic part of my brain says that i can't possibly know why i want him here if i don't know anything about him

but i think that's not entirely true, and if it was then it's not entirely an obstacle either
because i can just, go on my feelings

because i -do- want him here, to be closer to me, to be more of himself, so i can see him, hear him, talk to him, enjoy his companionship (more then vague presence companionship), feel safe with him, watch him be whatever he is, and just to know he's here and he's safe and he'll be alright