i know what i want to do is ask around for suggestions about how to... i don't even know exactly. reach out to lion? know more about him for certain? be able to talk with him? empower him?
but i'd predict that suggestions would be things that, based on past experience, i can't do.

something more than vague feelings and overthinking and second-guessing and wincing with anxiety and sabotaging myself, and sometimes, -sometimes- having a minute where it almost starts to make sense.
this morning, it seemed almost like he could be there. but it's all buried so quickly just by being conscious of it. or just by existing.

i really want. this.