so, ok. stepping back a little.

apparently i consider almost everthing to be either an impulsive thought or temporary or a mundane quirk or some combination.
i hadn't had any luck actively reaching inward or trying to lay out pathways outward.

SO! i expect something 'real' to feel different and to somehow circumvent all that.
which is not... a good expectation to have, i suspect. it's strict and passive.

i'm not sure what my alternatives are. i need some kind of filter, but a less heavy one...?
and i accept/assume that physical health issues and stress make it unfeasible to try reaching inward again. hmm.