so like the reason this is so frustrating is that even the act of observing will mess up whatever it is that i observe.
earlier today, i thought i was getting feelings/influence from Lion.
but as soon as i noticed it, my brain clenched onto it and i immediately got impulsive thoughts based on what i -thought- he might say. they're not the same; they feel different, i've learned to recognize.
and so right away, it's ruined. i get a brief glimpse of something now and then, but even noticing it will screw it up, even moreso if i actually try to -focus- on it... it's so disheartening and i don't know what i can do about it.