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another page on polymorphs (of the few there are) mentions they're "energy-based lifeforms."
i'd assumed physical blobs as a default, but i gotta admit, energy seems nicer.

that puts me back on the train of thought, "what if desire to be a polymorph is because it would be an amazing way to express myself/a very effective internal stim?"

that could explain why the morphing itself is appealing, but not the emotional/identity importance of certain characters and species whatnot.
it also wouldn't explain the absence of a central self, or other minor details probably if i could be bothered to think of them atm.

[http://otherkin.wikia.com/wiki/Polymorph]

though i don't think i mirror the essence or forms of people around me?
(besides fairly typical social chameleon (phrase i learned from i think NeonYeen) stuff, & resonating energy with pals.)

some definitions of polymorph mean that, say, if you hang around dragons enough, you take on a dragon essence & it's added to your library of forms.

i have no desire to mimic the people i know (i think).

i mirror _characters_.

& those reflections aren't just 'forms.'
they almost have life of their own, & are almost me, but aren't settling as either. (sleepily paraphrased from Sen).

but it may still fall under "polymorph".

it bothers me to not be able to tell what my "central" or "true" self is or if i even have one.

it's inconvenient, if not for other reasons. maybe incompatibility with being a human is part of it.

by most definitions, polymorphs also don't have a true self, just forms they prefer or default to.

and for the most part that sounds like a pretty nice way of existing, really.

being able to change energy seems vital to me and it's how i expect to exist and move through the world.

i think i would feel the same way about changing forms, but since that's impossible, my brain has it tagged as "stamp down on that desire."

there's other imaginings that seem like they'd be a wonderful way to live, though. polymorphism isn't alone there.

jakkais and their bodies. their tails and climbing abilities and running on all fours but also walking and standing on their legs. other bits that i am not remembering right now. sounds incredible. i wish that were me.

-sigh- a desire itself isn't enough to determine anything about my identity besides "this is important to me". i knew that. most of you who take this relatively seriously probably know that too. i guess i wanted to follow up the previous post.

ok, going to get ready for bed now.

a lot of the stuff i imagine or fantasize about is about having power or companions

polymorphism would certainly fall under "power" but

i don't immediately see whether i can fit jakkai into that though

maybe it means it's different. or maybe it's a meaningless categorisation

sincerely,
bathroom kitsch

i can sometimes be proud of my human body, face dysphoria aside

but it's... i can appreciate it. but... hm.
when i try to imagine a human representing me in a situation where i wouldn't have to be one, it feels uncomfortable.

i /think/?
am i too far out on a limb?
it's a real specific scenario. does it work as a reference point?

i don't even think i'm on a topic anymore and i'm not really considering what i'm saying. i'm just spinning around a party noisemaker