@kitsch There is help. You have a lot of trouble, but there are plenty of people wanting to step in and help guide you to even better help.

Be wary that learned helplessness might be your best friend and still an antagonist to your self-realization. It can keep you from feeling horrible yet convince you that it's your lot.

Hang in there and refuse to give up.

I don't think I can comment on all your issues as a whole, since no real solution works for everybody..

I do think publishing what you're willing to share will help others find you, which might be useful in looking for others to inspire you. :x