Kel the Purple @kel@witches.town

#plurality

what I think I'm gonna do is set up a Discord server and freely split myself up there among as many voices as feels natural, and RP with myself and possibly with a few friends from here

I'm not entirely sanguine about using Discord for this, I'd sort of prefer something a bit older-fashioned like an IRC server or even a MUCK, but I haven't the skill at the moment to configure stuff like that myself

Discord is kinda yucky but it's simple

I can build something better later

#plurality

so, there's something I'm thinking of doing soon that I'd like to put up the flagpole here

folks who've seen a lot of my negative posts over the past few days can guess that I've reached a kind of impasse when it comes to who I am and the faces I choose to present to the world

I feel like it's time to withdraw for a bit and turn inward, and I've been debating with myself how best to work on that

how much of that is the entity themself being fluid, and how much of that uncertainty is actually "noise", is unclear to me, and probably always will be unclear unless I've done something that _really_ amplifies the signal (e.g. taking a massive dose of psilacetin)

I _think_ it's this sense of weak and overlapping "signals" buried in noise that's contributed to the apparent fluidity of some of my experiences of particular deities or entities

like, my perception of the entity I'm communicating with, and that's associated with a certain mental image, will seem to shift and move around during the experience, or merge into a perception of communicating with another entity entirely

there can a distinct sense almost of tuning into a particular signal through a mass of perceptual noise, like trying to find weak radio stations that only just emerge from the background fuzz

focusing my attention onto some particular perceptual change, e.g. trying to study the patterns of the phosphenes behind my closed eyes, or (as this morning) focusing on the distortion of sounds I was picked up, has the effect of "tuning in"

a lot of is "just feels that way", I suppose, but there's a bit more too it than that. there's a subtle set of perceptual changes as well, changes heightened by certain substances and that can get very unsubtle if I've been _heavily_ modified (e.g. by psilocybin). Paraesthesias, e.g. sudden feelings of cold or prickling on the skin; changes in my visual field, behind closed eyes, and in visual accommodation (eyes wanting to look a certain way)

so I mentioned earlier (https://occult.camp/@kara/99089248355684618) having some spiritual insights when I was trying to sleep and instead found myself wide awake and studying the weird things that fatigue and marijuana were doing to sounds

since having my "awakening" last year I've had numerous experiences that I call "spiritual", many interludes where it seems like I'm having definite information communicated to me, but what am I actually perceiving?

been awake now for almost 22 hours and I can't sleep

I had to go to a shrink appointment shortly after the end of my shift and now I'm keyed up

put on the wrong sort of audio and smoking weed put me into an odd, interesting but annoying altered state where the noise of raindrops is pattern matching with other sorts of sound

like, snatches of words, beeps, glitchy sounds

it's fascinating (and came with some spiritual insight) but aaaaa sleeeeep

Folks. Please don’t use baiting language to get people to boost something abt current events ect

‘Stop ignoring this thing’
‘if you care about people boost this’ ect

It really stresses some of us out, not seen it much here but it’s a real problem on tumblr and one of the reasons the site is so stressful for me

i am also not a fan of the euphemism "sleeping with someone" meaning sex, which is a thing i just remembered existed. uh no i want to sleep with someone not for sex but because sleeping alone fuckin sucks imo lol

so I feel for Mae in NITW, suffering from these terrifying episodes that make no sense to her, which she can describe only in allusive language ("just shapes")

how do you tell your mom that you quit school because every little thing you saw was strange and frightening, even a statue on a lawn? it seems so silly, even if the fear is real

chronic fear is like chronic pain...both excite scant compassion, both are regarded as mere maligering

I'm not sure I could have told you at sixteen or eighteen or even twenty that anything was wrong with me

crippling fear of interacting with people and reacting to stress by curling up into a ball and hiding in my room...that was "normal", right? that was just me being a child who needed to grow up right? I was supposed to conquer these behaviors to become an adult

needless to say I never did, and still really haven't

it didn't help at all that my brother was sicker than I was, to the point that his behavioral difficulties were obvious to everyone who interacted with him, causing him to be pushed towards some kind of therapy (which my parents did their best to keep me in the dark about; all I knew was that my brother was "sick")

I was supposed to be the "normal" one, and no inquiry into my own mental and emotional health was ever made in my teens

it's frustrating how Mae keeps refusing to tell her parents just what happened to her in college that compelled her to drop out, but then...at the same age, I don't remember that I ever told my parents just why Caltech went so wrong for me

I don't think I COULD have told them, I had no language for it

giving the bare facts just seemed like an admission of capitulating to laziness and drug use

gecko friend https://vulpine.club/media/qby0Yn3_vkInFnPdo4w

when it comes to nazis, nothing is a joke and nobody is joking. you interpret apologia as edgy because it is heinous. you run interference for people who want you dead because it's funny, it's a gag, nazis aren't real, haha, i mean, maybe a white ethno-state would be pretty ok though? fuck you. these fucks kill people, have killed people, have killed people *in my city*, and you are being used to defend and facilitate them. it is not a fucking joke.

OK, gonna change my #gameing pace here, and go back to Star Wars.

Streaming "Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II"

https://www.twitch.tv/kara_dreamer

so, I've asked this before some months ago but I might as well ask again: if you wanted an instance where you'd get the most useful advice as a newbie #programmer, where would you choose?