✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

#exodus #introduction #introductions I'm moving back to octodon. https://octodon.social/web/accounts/3229 Ikea_femme@octodon.social

Love ya all, witches.

The extent of my social life is rolling my eyes in unison with retail employees after they get jerk customers.

argh i hate that any trans person I follow who comes upon a little money gets ffs and blogs about it, both because it reminds me that ffs exists and people seem to generally like the results, and because it makes me want it.

I didn't feel such a drive or urgent need for money before I came out. It was kind of a comforting way to deal with career anxiety, since I always think I'm too lazy or unintelligent to work in software.

My friends and family seem to think I look okay, and most strangers treat me like a normal woman. But damn if I don't compare my chin and ocular ridge to my sister and mom.

Now I'm at the point in transition where I read too much into my college roommate and still close cis male friend likes my ig swimsuit pics.

Does this color work for me? Worried it makes me look sickly.
https://witches.town/media/NXqI4b1ETXruXgmduao

Why aren't arms sexualized the same way legs are? Functionally, they're both muscle poles.

Funny, talking to my mom about being sleepy and mopey about laser recovery turned into talking to her about GCS, and she was a really good listener, even though it's completely outside her experience and I ended up having to explain a bunch of genital and sex stuff to her. She's a near-60 church lady.

I think a big thing that screws with me is I'll always have that dumb doubt. Would people like me more if I had FFS? Would people see me as me, and not as their preconceived notions of a trans woman? And being too broke for FFS means I have to deal with those possibilities, and the self-loathing for getting depression and getting my bachelor's at 28, when it seems half the trans women I follow have great jobs with Cadillac healthcare plans.

ARGH psychology today's search is so bad.

Also, how the hell does someone find a therapist on medicaid? I'm starting to realize leaning on my psychiatrist and HRT doc for talk therapy when they officially don't do that is not a long term strategy.

Does anyone know any good trans IRC rooms? Like, ideally with a good amount of moderation to keep doxxers/creeps out. I'm realizing journaling and posting on Mastodon alone isn't enough to deal with my crap random feelings.

ALSO, most queer people say I have a perfectly fine face (I want to believe them), but cishet pals who are perhaps of a different mindset on surgery than trans people say shit that makes me feel worse.

IE: "Your grandma always told me I'd never be pretty, but I'd always be handsome," My mom, who's been clocked herself a few times.

"You know, there's a lot of ugly women and they don't get their skulls reshaped," a friend over beers.

"I'm generally against plastic surgery, so I wish I could convince you that you pass."

Like, if I got GCS, I'd like not having to tuck, and MAYBE I'd enjoy sex more, and I'd not need spiro. But I don't get genital dysphoria as much as I did during puberty.

I'm more bugged by beard shadow (laser is fixing it fast) and my lantern jaw and brow (but the cis women in my family have those pretty pronounced, too).

I hate how my friends say if I can't afford it, I shouldn't worry about it. I can't just live life hoping I magically get tens of thousands of dollars for FFS and GCS, if I decide I want them, I want to get the benefits as soon as money allows and save accordingly. Otherwise, I'll just buy avocado toast.

So somebody I follow on Tumblr got GCS. Good for her. Yet again, I find myself thinking about whether or not I want GCS, since the way I'm living ATM I mostly just think of my genitals jacking off or tucking. I've not really had sex with anybody for a while, and my ex-fiancee only liked when I mounted her for missionary, so I didn't really get to experiment.

Tumblr pal said something that struck me. She said she feels less dysphoria, and I kind of wish my dysphoria centralized on something more concrete than just this general anxiety I look male and can't do much to help it.

most trans girls: boy oh boy let me tell you about anarchy and communism and how the Democrats will backstab us at first opportunity.

me, wrenching a Pontiac screaming eagle muscle car: I only care about two things, tuckin' and fuckin'.

Thinking about buying one of those foot rasps, but now wondering if soft feet are really that great or something we do for the male gaze. Or maybe I'm just scared of taking a microplane to a bodypart that helps me stand and run and stuff.

Hilariously paranoid transphobia

@ikea_femme and I don't want this when I'm in pain and trying to take positive steps