✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

Disregard all moping, cool dress has shipped.

I just realized I had it bad when I saw a woman leasing a sublet went to Yale and was doing cool stuff with medical knowledge and programing. And instead of thinking, "Wow, what a neat person to live near," I felt sick and angry at my sloppy, executive dysfunctional self. And this is how I push myself down. I think I'm having constructive insights from bad feelings? Is this how neurotypicals do it?

I need to practice not being intimidated by people who are smarter or have it together more than me. I'm realizing I left-swipe a ton of people in dating apps just because I think they're too good for me, and rationalize it as them being "phony" or "too perfect." When the whole point is they can ignore you at their discretion...

And hey, I'm graduating and get to wear a cool dress under my graduation robes. Yeah, it's from a safety school and not Stanford, and yeah, I'm 28 and have never had an internship, but I'm above ground and moving forward. In a cool dress under a robe which will cover that dress in sweat.

I'm realizing I never felt this pathetic for this long pre-transition. Money was a minor concern. Distractions were cheap. And when all else failed, dissociation would take it all away.

Now I see wealthy trans women who came from similar backgrounds but didn't fuck up, and got cadillac health insurance and six figure salaries to pay for whatever work they needed done to feel right. And while I know there's women in my trans support group who would gladly trade places with me, I'm not used to needing to process ugly emotions like envy/regret for more than a few minutes. But I guess bad feelings are better than nothing.

Is there anything that causes dissociation/depersonalization other than gender dysphoria or surviving abuse? Gender dysphoria makes so much sense to me, and I certainly seem to like being the woman I am, but sometimes the fog still lingers and I wish I could make it go away. And I just read a medium post from a person who detransitioned because they realized the depersonalization was from abuse and not dysphoria. But I seriously cannot think of anything that's abuse in my history.

It's easy for me to get in these moods. I didn't have an obvious amount of dysphoria as a little kid, I just begged for lip gloss and shit.

So I was at Rich Millennials apartment last night, and they did that shit Rich Millennials do where they gripe about how broke they are and show off their fancy shit in a waterfront apartment. And they asked if I wanted to play with their HTC Vive. I realized I was actually kind of creeped out by the idea. Transitioning and working through dissociation and depersonalization made the idea of willfully putting my mind somewhere else kind of scary, even with tv goggles. Am I being silly?

Woke up halfway through the time I intended to sleep again. Here's a big pile of anxiety I recorded in the car last night because the host at a party outed me because she thought that would help people get my pronouns right. People were nice, but I did that thing where I don't trust any cis opinions unless they're mean. https://youtu.be/b2df797Di-Q

This will be the third funeral I'm missing because my trans body is too much drama for a somber occasion or whatever.

My great aunt/second mom is dying, and I can't visit her. I can't come out to her. I might not even be able to go to her funeral. Because her homophobic sister and brother in law would use that to hurt my mother and sister.

Fucking family values catholics.

It's a bit over eight months HRT. Tonight, I'm amazed at how much better things got so quickly. My life is really on the mend. I'm so proud of myself for figuring this out and pushing myself to fix what I knew was broken.

Gdi if the guy who has a perfect hairline and hair down to his waist doesn't make me dysphoric. And I'm not even balding outside of a minor widow's peak. He ties it up in a bun with chopsticks, and goes on the sales floor. Jealous. I think he's cis and not an egg, if only because he's paid zero attention to me, positive or negative.

I did get mangled by a hairdresser who doesn't know what split ends are, tho. So I'm still mourning my hair.

Well, I have no idea what I'm doing. ABraThatFits says these are 36Ds, but I usually wear 36Bs. Clothes are weird and bad.

I've never had to say the nonbinary honorific "Mx." Do I pronounce it Mix or like Mz (Mizz) but with a more X-ey sound? I just want to be sure.

WAIT IGNORE THaT

The epiphany crossword solvers get when they figure out a clue is so cute. They're just so proud of themselves. :3

Want that genre of video to exist.

Also, sometimes I feel like a fake millenial because I enjoy playing roguelikes from time to time as a stress reliever but I see the rest as shit to push in the corner to focus on my studies, and legit don't get e-sports or let's plays. It feels like watching somebody else play crosswords. Makes it weird chatting with peers.