✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

WAIT IGNORE THaT

The epiphany crossword solvers get when they figure out a clue is so cute. They're just so proud of themselves. :3

Want that genre of video to exist.

Also, sometimes I feel like a fake millenial because I enjoy playing roguelikes from time to time as a stress reliever but I see the rest as shit to push in the corner to focus on my studies, and legit don't get e-sports or let's plays. It feels like watching somebody else play crosswords. Makes it weird chatting with peers.

Which effectively meant I learned quickly that trying to slow down or be nervous about transitioning was a self-defeating attitude.

I'm lucky I live in a place nobody minds my trans ass.

Like, it's part of the usual calculus where I think about if I'm queer or trans enough to belong in the same community as people I admire, which is always a bad place to start. So I start getting mad at myself for figuring out I was trans at 27, or that I prefer to consider myself bi even though I generally prefer women, or that I know nothing about queer culture, or whatever. Also, I feel guilty when people act like I'm brave or working hard to be myself, when it's like, I take pills and wear the clothes I prefer? That's not hard.

Why do I keep thinking I'm too boring to be queer? I can't even quantify what that means.

And a swimsuit pic. I can barely wear a bra comfortably, and I honestly think women in serious corsets look kinda creepy.

I clearly have a dude tummy I'd like to lose, but I also like food and kinda expect weight loss to come from my pancake butt, as is tradition.

https://witches.town/media/KWPcW2p9WS53dhK5tAI

I was at a party and really got along with a cis woman. She clocked me, but only because she "knew a lot of trans people at college." So we chat about everything, and at one point says she's into corset training and I might be more comfortable if I did it.

I'm not sure if that was her saying, "I have a cool hobby" or her saying, "You're kinda super-fucking-really man shaped."

Guess what my brain is reading into it?

Pic of me this evening in workout clothes. TBF, I would fucking hate my hips more if my boobs weren't pitching a tent. https://witches.town/media/IfQQF_zm5leQOeaH32c

I wish targeted ads would get smarter than "suggest shoes that don't come in her size"

Is this catchpa to see if I'm a Live.com user or a lesbian?

I wish Microsoft didn't turn "What phone numbers and emails are associated with which skype account" into a Philip K. Dick style meditation on identity in the information age.

Coworker ladies started making jokes about how easy male puberty must be, started joking about voice cracking. Funny they joke about voice and lack of periods next to my trans ass. Do I really pass this well?

RT @cushbomb: Hell yeah let's fucking go. https://t.co/mU2j3Y7xDv

Just to be clear, I'm not mad at anybody for being able to afford FFS. It's just its popularity makes me feel like I "should" have it, when I definitely can't afford it.

People spend way more money on things that are much more frivolous, and dysphoria's a huge drain. I guess I'm just mad at myself that I can't make myself as successful as the trans women who go through college, get a great job, and transition either way early or way after getting the Cadillac HMO plan. I broke mid-school. And needed years to pick up the pieces before I could even tell I should reassemble them in something loosely female shaped.

Why does my brain do this to itself? And why do I feel the need to share this garbage when I have pens and paper. I can journal just fine...

And it's not entirely other people's fault that I become a weird trans person between man and woman when they know! When they know, I don't shut up about my experiences, because it's what I think about all day. But it means the cis see the chasm between us that could be invisible. Suddenly, I'm not a nerdy and shy young woman, but a drag queen in people's minds. I've had more than one classmate who knew me pre-transition say an outfit I wore "gave [them] life."

And dang it, it all makes me realize being myself calls on either slowly showing myself after they get over my transness, or never revealing it in the first place.

Sometimes I feel like there's two trans communities, one with rich trans people who are just waiting between surgeries and celebrating their milestones. And then there's the people who can barely afford to stay on hormones, whose milestones are more making it through each day and figuring out how to keep going.

What scares me is that at my new job, I seem to pass to my female coworkers. They chat with me on a more intimate platonic level than I'm used to. It means a ton to me. And it scares me, because I used to say passing didn't matter to me. But in this case, passing meant I'm
a full person to them. I'm a hypocrite.