✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

me: I know what you are
a member of The Chainsmokers: say it
me: unironic LMFAO but with mediocre white romance

Please don't, Google Now Homescreen. I'm a good person. I don't want or deserve this.

I hate that from the outside, people don't see what transitioning has done for me. I feel so much better from it than I did from going to school after recovering from a crazy long depressive episode. Even though going to school made my life better objectively, I felt none of it. And now I probably look the same or even worse off to friends and family, but I'm so much happier. Weird.

Also, I'm doing that dumb thing where I know there's a million small things I could do to feel useful or make myself feel good, but I'm doing none of them. I guess I'll make myself eat, tidy up my room, and as a stretch goal, schedule with the eye doctor and dentist.

I wish I knew I'd channel all my breakup feeling into hating my body before breaking up. Shaving my chest was hell this morning.

It's my first breakup after transitioning, and I think my dingus limbic system gets dysphoria works better than tears, so that's where it's shoving the bad feelings.

I always hated sad movies before transition. They felt kind of exploitative to me, like they were yanking stunted emotions around for no reason. It almost kind of felt stunty, like watching shock videos with your friends and trying to be the last one to freak out. Which goes to show how little I understood feelings.

Now I need catharsis and it seems the neurotypicals online say Grave of the Fireflies is the one to make people cry.

Pray for me.

And it kills me knowing I could be so much worse off! That doesn't make it better. It just means I feel gross and weird, and also guilty.

I don't usually get worked up about people wealthier or luckier than me, but maybe it's just that pre-transition, I didn't have much feelings and my distractions were cheap. :-/

God. I need some kind of catharsis, but here I am, living post-breakup at my mom's house at 28, too repressed to cry. I'd scream, but then my mom would take that as proof I'm not getting better from transitioning but just going nuts.

I really should stop looking at facial feminization surgery stuff. Unless I work for some insanely generous company, it won't happen, and I'll just have to work extra hard to believe my cis friends saying I look just like Ally Sheedy or whoever.

Some assorted rejected selfies
https://witches.town/media/X8i8wsTO_LIrCF0t4p4 https://witches.town/media/i33m6GWOwb6mwPG1FhE https://witches.town/media/ZFvdHze2cKmFDkAdzvY

line 3 is so very "man it is cool to be cishet, rich, neurotypical, and white."

Just picture the first part being delivered like the opening from CEGF season 2.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6UGArl3ZqE

Get a load of this guy. Online dating is good after all. I like it.
http://imgur.com/a/oMTWq

I wish it didn't make me feel so uncomfortable to think about dating otherwise cute genderqueer amabs who wear skirts and dresses with facial hair. Just saw an otherwise cute person on OKC.

Like, I get that gender is yours to play with, and that society-wise, nobody should stand in their way. But for me personally, I worry I could never get along romantically with someone like that, because my own dysphoria doesn't let me be comfortable with that kind of mixed gender expression, and I'm frankly a bit jealous of that freedom. :-/

Such an arbitrary dealbreaker.

I'd have pressed for more in person if I wasn't nervous discussing my private parts in front of my classmates. He actually said surgeries, so I really was like, "did he mean just genital stuff, or breasts and junk, too, because doctors and wpath really don't let you rush that..."

I think I just like the straightforward rules and structure, being so autistic.

Kinda tempted to send him an email all, "Hi Mr. Navy Guy, I'm the trans who asked you how to get a job with the navy and you said I had to be done transitioning, which to me sounded weird since that's a lifelong process? And also, if you're talking hormones, I started them seven months ago, is that what you meant? If I need to get GCS, they won't even consider me until next January. And ironically, I cannot afford such a surgery without money and health insurance, which is what I hear you can get from the Navy.

You ever read catch 22? I tried, but I put it down to read Murakami, and then I realized from murakami I had gender dysphoria..."

I kind of pointed out to the recruiter doing the on-campus presentation that his transgender recruit policy made no sense because it was so vague, and he just was all "Oh, well it's a gray area if you aren't getting the surgery."

So I had a pretty strong hunch he didn't memorize the trans policy that well.

Where I could possibly get to do neat robot or nuclear reactor stuff.