✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

And it kind of sucks on top of my bi/straight feelings growing. My ex said some questionable things when word got to her that I don't really consider myself a lesbian. Which is weird, she herself is bi, and her last boyfriend figured out he was gay while dating her.

I get that men are pigs and the male gaze sucks, but I get sparks more for guys than women of any experience.

It's weird that now that I'm in the city and actually meeting other trans femmes in person, I honestly don't feel there's automatically some connection. It's not that they're unlikable or mean, but more that I realize I don't have a lot in common with their experiences, even along being trans. So that's creating doubt, especially what with the whole "You're probably best off dating other trans women" advice I get a lot.

@alyx @viv I mean, I'm not always that deep about shutting up aimless doubt. I often just think, "Fuck, I have boobs though."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bEGLbCNRqw

Also, I'm angery I can't do my eyeliner that good.

@viv @alyx And I get where it comes from, in that a lot of the rhetoric around medical transition is around what great good it does for our emotional wellbeing. But being in a place where you can make yourself happy is not at all the same as automatically being happy and content.

So I'm sort of learning to compare my little "Does gender really matter? It's so arbitrary, and I certainly don't understand my whole mind" feelings with the dysphoria I've lost but can still recall.

@alyx @viv
I get the feeling cis people don't wake up celebrating their bodies, but just accepting them in a way we don't get for free. Yeah, they might think their bodies are ugly in some way, but they don't experience that their bodies don't fit. Us trans folk go in wanting to get rid of something that's dragging us down, and we sometimes assume we'll whip from dysphoria to gender euophoria. When it's like, no, we're treating a problem. If you take antibiotics for strep throat, you don't go from having a scratchy throat to getting orgasmic shivers. The sore throat just goes away. And I think that's where the doubt comes from.

@viv @alyx I mean, it really comes down to, any change wouldn't really suit me better. Like, yeah, it'd be convenient to not shave for a week, but a beard wouldn't look right to me or my friends. We all know me as a woman. Nor would I want to quit my hormones. I like how they feel, and I think I look attractive in a way I'm comfortable with on them. Those are the two biggest changes I could make with minimal effort.

@viv It mostly got really mad when it realized it was sonic 06. Before then, it was like, "I'm hopeful, let's load some static assets. I hope I'm something cool like Super Mario Sunshine, or maybe Portal. Oh. Oh no, what? What am I?"

@viv "Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Hate. Hate." - Sonic 06

@kel I'm running in ConEmu in GitBash, which seems like 99% of what I want outside making Vim run good. I could use Gvim, but using vim in the terminal makes me feel big. https://witches.town/media/o66dIKiuDkkZmAtDrAo

@viv The humans in the same world as cartoony animals is the foul code saying, "LOOK, LOOk, THAT'S HOW DUMB YOU ALL LOOK."

Lots of little glitches, the cursor always looks wrong, if there's an error message, sometimes the redraw gets fucked up.

Is there a decent way to run #vim on Windows? I really like Vim, and don't really need a full VM for what I'm doing, but it seems like the Windows terminal just is not fond of Vim.

I probably should either invest in a UV lamp, or just get them done at a shop, but I'm a tiny bit anxious about UV for some reason. I imagine so long as you aren't doing it every day it's fine, but I have a dingus mind that freaks out when it hears something MIGHT be carcinogenic.

I do love diet coke, tho.

I hate wanting to do some ruminating and self contempt about how I spent my day, and then whoops, I enriched myself with a run, visiting interesting places to get familiar with the city that will be my home for three months, got to see a forest in the middle of Brooklyn, and got kinda spooked, bought a cute blouse, pumped some really pretty ink in my favorite fountain pen, and had a server at a BBQ place yell my fucking deadname because I haven't updated my credit card and their terminal gets your name from your bank, and I took it all in fucking stride.

I mean, I did do my nails and fuck it up. But I really oughtn't put so much stock in such things.

I told a lady at a farmer's market I'd find an ATM and be right back to pick out a focaccia. There were no atms in network. So I decided to go home. She must hate me.

@viv an apex software, self-aware enough to realize it has the power to ignore the human

@garbados because we broke and can't even afford bepsi

@alyx yeah, I certainly had less feelings and more weak ideation as a guy. And I don't so much feel beholden to skirts and makeup as just thinking, "why the hell would I do that?" when I think of any step towards detransition.

@alyx I mean, I could be exaggerating how well it goes. But people in Brooklyn are so nice so who knows, maybe I'm manly as hell and nobody cares. 😕

And here I am after 9 months hrt, reasonably sized boobs and butt, full time since January. Almost never getting sirred. And yet it's not that easy for so many of my siblings.