✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

@viv yeah. I do have genital dysphoria, but seeing stuff other trans women get fixed that doesn't much bother me drives me batty. Like, am I broken for not wanting ffs if I can prove to myself strangers don't think I'm unpleasant to look at? I am more or less okay with my face myself and worry that is a bad reason to feel that way...

@viv and none of this is to say I think other trans women are cowardly! Compared to your typical cis, we're pretty fearless.

However, I can conjecture why that is. I learned to hide gender feelings young, and came out in a time and place where people are okay with if not entirely understanding of trans people.

I imagine someone who "always knew," maybe showed more in middle school and thus learned more about the depth of cruelty of other people.

I have and am transitioning relatively quickly. Around this time last year, I figured I needed to explore the idea that I'm trans, because I had no feelings and kept having castration thoughts. Leaving masculinity felt so correct, like putting a key in a lock. And I've had remarkably little anxiety or fear that I'll regret it, or that I'm going to fast. I've changed my name, gone full time, worn all kinds of things that are supposed to be hard to wear (bikinis, etc).

And it makes me feel fake compared to people who knew since they were little, and took baby steps. Am I unique in feeling like this?

@Eve @Dimduning yeah, you don't need to send it. But it gets your story straight, and gives you something to print and hand off if somebody says, "Can I tell everyone in $GROUP? How do I tell them?"

@Eve @Dimduning it's hard, but I think you're ready to plan, if not also do it. I personally wrote a generic coming out letter, and mostly just used it as an exercise for coming out to everyone orally.

And understand coming out is never a one and done thing. There's multiple people, misunderstandings, and so on. I still come out as a full time trans woman who doesn't always pass. Because I need to make it explicit knowledge I'm trans rather than implicit sometimes.

She developed really bad anxiety and depression and hypochondria, and decided I was the one medicine she needed. I googled her perceived symptoms, I rocked her back to sleep several times a night when her anxious crying fits took over. Even during finals week.

And until I was leaving, she didn't even look into therapy, despite me telling her to. She thought her parents would find out and call her weak.

Cleaning out stuff from old apartment today. Feel like the worst person. I promised us a life together, wanted to give her that life, but it became clear it wouldn't work. I was hoping to be a husband, then a wife, but then I realized I was effectively a caretaker. I hope we can someday be friends without her begging me to give her another chance.

We're both working hard to be better, stronger people in our own ways. And I'm just sure there was no way for us to do that together, at least the way we were together. I really hope she can find strength and happiness. I miss how she was before her moods took over.

@viciousviscosity Some holywood guy: "hmm, yes, she's a beautiful woman but dresses for the job at hand rather than the male gaze, and has complicated feelings about motherhood but doesn't use those feelings to babysit the male characters. I feel we need to put her in heels, and make it clear she's a mom but also could be a girlfriend."

Man, Hollywood got so much right about making a female hero with Ellen Ripley, and promptly forgot all of it.

Holy fuck, in my anxiety attack about my mole bleeding (probably from a shaving accident or wearing a bra weird, but still ~what if it's worse~), I tried to distract myself by catching up on correspondence. And I just realized I came out to a conservative cousin who sent me a wedding invite I might RSVP (I like family members who will definitely attend, and I want to wear a nice wedding guest dress OR an adorable femme-y tuxedo rental out of spite).

Now I'm worried about ~what if the mole is really something bad~ and ~how will I explain g-g-g-gender to my southern baptist relatives.~

Also I feel like I look more masculine in pics of myself when I was 19. So what the hell?

Having ffs thoughts, but I don't think I have the pain threshold for it and kind of realize I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. I don't have a real job. I don't want have any idea how to get insurance to pay for it short of moving to a state that's more liberal with this stuff. I can't even get a realistic idea of how I look, because dysphoria breaks my understanding of myself. I'm not even sure if I can picture how I'd look after ffs. And a headcold knocks me on my ass. So I'm trying to talk myself out of it. https://witches.town/media/NhRTHCHwgaodrsuK5TE

nj trans https://witches.town/media/klFD15b3WpNVqw2oe2Q

@kara_dreamer and all those little discomforts between the triumphs come out then. So it sucks, but I think it's just emotional roughage we have to sit down and digest to keep moving...

@kara_dreamer same here, in my own ways. Things are going right for me, but it's a lot of change and some of its hard to digest. Like, I'm in the big city now and it's a lot easier for me to relax and have fun here without driving.

But I also know I don't pass as well as I did in the suburbs. Living and working in two different gayborhoods mean people expect to see queer people and read me as trans a lot more often, and while they're never mean, it's uncomfortable for me...

@alyx Hey, I did ketosis for a while before I got really heavy and then realized I had a compulsive eating habit. Then I lost a ton of weight just because eating for fun lost its charm. And I avoid red meat now.

But now I'm 5'11", 175 lbs, 10 months hrt, and feeling kind of skinny fat but also want my stupid leg and back muscles to atrophy. I think early on, I was afraid weight loss would undo my boobs. I do wish I had a bit more of a waist, but I'm worried that might just be my skeleton. Maybe I should look into keto again...

Sorry if that was too much to ask.

@kara_dreamer Hey, I don't know this job and I don't know your life, but no matter how you do at your job (I bet you'll do great), I don't think losing a job makes you a fuck up. What matters is picking yourself up, recovering, and working towards your future afterwards. And I honestly think the fact you believe in this job's mission means you're less likely to fuck it up.

@CobaltVelvet tiny brain: alkaline
medium brain: rechargeable
normal brain with chakeras: solar panels
a brain you wouldn't kick out of bread for eating crackers: supercapacitors
galaxy sized brain: a crank and a flywheel

@bea Thanks. A cis lesbian pal mentioned there's a good place in the city, in her experience, getting a pro-bono therapist and having a coming-out support group.

I guess I just need to get it together and make an appointment.