✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

@bea I think I'm honestly just scared, for a lot of reasons. Money is one, but that's the handy excuse. Also afraid of revisiting stuff, or hearing that I'm broken in ways I haven't already dealt with. For so long, I was fine with just two antidepressants and a 45 minute chat every two months. It hurts to know that's not how it is now that I'm taking on ~the genderstuff~.

And I wish I wasn't so obvious and so emotionally unprepared to fix the things that bother me. Getting to be a vicious cycle that leads me to be avoidant. Maybe I ought to get a therapist.

My brain seems to like the idea, especially since I passed at work but not at all since then, as I have to use my voice in other places.

I wish I could just... not want to pass.

I do concede that part of it is that everything's weird to kids. They have no frame of reference. A large dog is probably more mindblowing than a trans person from their perspective.

What really fucking sucked is one of the two times I got clocked by a kid was when I was looking at books at a Goodwill, and saw somebody donated a bunch of books from Dr. Money, and I was all "I bet this is going to be gross, let's skim these." And then I hear a kid say, "Why does that girl have boy hair?" which I considered a clock. And his mom was mortified, and I had to pretend everything was fine while I was looking over Money's shitty taxonomy of "female impersonators."

I've only been clocked by kids twice, adults more regularly. Does that mean something? I seriously expected more awkward questions from children, but I guess I just read as a dubiously sized woman rather than a man in drag to kids. And to adults, maybe it's more a matter of "They appear to be a woman, but something is off, and given their size and facial structure, let's make some assumptions." It's weird. I feel like kids and jerks are the only people whose opinions I can trust, as everyone else filters their responses.

@Dimduning it shifts from a perceived slight to a cruel reminder, at least from our perspective :(

Also doesn't help there's a trans woman here with a much better voice than me. I know it's not a competition, but ughhhhhhhhh.........

I don't have a lot of emotions, and they don't work that well, but they can really work out great times to kick me in the teeth.

And it sucks. I just saw a neat talk about voip, and it got me thinking about voice, and here I am feeling sad about my voice instead of getting the courage to make small talk with other people at the talk. :-/

I know I need to work on my voice, but every time I try to, it reminds me of how difficult my mom was about ANY time I tried to express myself or make noise as a kid. I think I can count the number of real conversations I've had with her on two hands, because so often she'd ignore what I was saying to complain about how I was saying it, "Too monotonous. Too many filler words. In a business, if you talk like this, nobody will want to work with you."

It all comes rushing back, and I can't afford a therapist nor do I think that'd really fix the fact that someone groomed me to hate thinking about my voice/affect.

I hate that if I do one thing well, I take that as evidence I'm bad at everything else.

@nex3 Mine has DNR, which is AWFULLY DARK.

@kittybecca what the fuck

i'm somehow more comfortable with the image of trump as an amoral racist than the idea that he wants to do the right thing but chooses not to because of his narcissism.

@blackle she's built like a brick klien bottle!

But perhaps the real first computer was... My brain.

Really makes you think.