✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

I feel guilty everything is going so smoothly for me when I wasn't one of those trans women who knew since they were kids. It's silly. I hate that I'm still playing the trans enough game. But if you asked me if I thought I was trans a year ago, I'd pause, and say, "maybe a tiny bit genderqueer deep down?"

Whelp, somebody told me he wants to ask me a question not about programming at programming retreat, so naturally I'm assuming everything awkward at the same time, cursing my deep voice.

🥚

Somehow the fact that Mastodon DOESN'T FUCKING SCROLL WITH VIMKEYS always makes me angry enough to forget the existential dread of things I can change in my life, but that I'm scared to change.

Like that my mom's said she doesn't know that she'd still consider me myself if I got a female passing voice. Sometimes I wish I could just be told it's impossible to fix my voice, so I don't have that hope/fear/anger at my mom.

Other times I'm all jjjjjjjjjklkjkkkjkkkkk WHAT THE FUCK MASTODON? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A NERD NETWORK.

It makes me feel guilty to even admit it here, where people can see the content warning. Like I'm letting down my siblings by blending in, not even for safety but just to feel comfortable.

When I sort of passed at work, it was the first time in my 28 years I felt sort of human.

And I hate it. Nothing bad happens when I don't pass. There's sirs and microagressions and condescending cis lady friends, but that's nothing. Ugh.

And I hate that a big "not comfortable taking to other trans people" thing is that I deep down, sincerely wish I passed and feel anything other than passing is a coping mechanism. I am not one bit ashamed of being trans, but I want to be seen as trans on my terms because I'm not comfortable with a fuck society attitude. I'm a social creature and I hate being clocked. If it were possible to be stealth, I might even consider that.

So I made a couple new friends today, an autistic cisgender woman and a trans woman, and I was kind of jazzed because I haven't really met any other trans women other than one gal who I didn't really get along with.

But, God, I realize there's stuff I feel comfortable talking to cis people about and stuff I'm comfortable talking to trans people about, and the talk to trans people set is not a superset of talk to cis people.

I wish all my accounts weren't tied to my email which contains my deadname, or my college email which they'll deactivate once I get my diploma.

I think my batch at this programming retreat can all see my gross AF email and I'm uncomfortable asking to change it because I know email is also the login id in their system.

@mungojelly Holy fuck this exactly. It worries me that so much of mental health gets ignored because of this moralizing protestant work ethic BS.

Yeah, you can take pride in your work, especially if you find it enriching beyond the paycheck. But destroying yourself for your job, or conversely, getting shamed for needing to take care of yourself, are both fucked up.

@bea I didn't get a brainzap driving a microrental'd smartcar this morning, but I did see a totenkompf decal on a pickup in Brooklyn and had to wonder, "Nazi or oblivious person who likes cool skull pics?"

I wish I had the brainzap...

@bea I'll be careful. I haven't had ideation, but maybe a bit of anxiety. What sucks is current events are so weird I can't tell if I feel bad because of my brain or because SOME PEOPLE aren't sure if Nazis are bad.

@bea Not really, and I don't think I get proper zaps, just kind of prone to shivers. I very rarely drive in Brooklyn in a car2go, but the subway gets me around just fine most of the time.

Is my current effexor weening strategy of "put off taking it until I get a brain zap" smart, or am I setting myself up for something bad? Sick of taking it now that I'm in a better place in life and want feelings back.

I tried googling it once, and got scared before I found it.

My white whale is this one weird video I found called dishdoer or something like that. A creepy guy drives his car into his garage, and voiceover says, "I think about it all the time." And then there's a bunch of smashcuts of him turning on the sink, pouring dishsoap everywhere, and cleaning each dish. He turns to the camera and says, "A clean dish is like a clean mind. There's nothing on it."

And then the creepiest wordart in history says "DO YOUR DISHES."

I think about it a lot. Was it real? Was it a fever dream? Should I do the dishes?

https://witches.town/media/kjlpSNzxJpj4x214SEQ

race conditions make fools of us all https://witches.town/media/mM2AtDvqlLO6Equm-Zk

I think I need to get serious about voice work. NYC is too loud to keep playing the demure high pitched whisper game that had me pass in the suburbs. Also, I'm starting to have feelings where I wish I was stealth, even though I know it's probably impossible without doing more damage than good. Ugh. All my friends know, and yelling over traffic and other conversations in restaurants means my new acquaintances probably know, too.