✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

@rey @kelly ah, the "I'm you but gayer" suffix.

@kelly Yeah. I think the big thing is that cis people assume every trans person is born knowing that they can transition and how to safely ask for it, when we really just get a slowly growing awareness of trans people and transition like everyone else.

Yeah, there's people who are clearly gender nonconforming as kids, but even then, they don't know they're trans until they get the language for it.

And for a lot of us, it's not even that, but beyond seeing that you can transition, we need to see that we can transition and be whole people, and not just murder victims on SVU or sassy gay stereotypes.

@kelly oh my god now i just pictured LGBTQIA with the growing brain meme where you transition, then decide queer is a better label and decide to be out about being intersex. And then after all that experimentation, come to the conclusion you're asexual, which is Gay Nirvana.

@kelly Yeah, I'm bi because transition got me to a place I could comfortably accept that, and I could more easily imagine sex I'd like as a woman with a guy, than if I were a guy with a guy.

I don't know that I'd be satisfied as a bi man in terms of gender (lmao no) or sexuality. I was only limping along as a straight dude.

Imagine the person who's questioning and hears "Well, you could detransition and be gay/bi/straight..." and they're like "HOLY SHIT, WHAT? THAT'S ALLOWED?"

I came out to my coworkers at work since today is my last day and figured, hey, y'all know a trans person so consider that next time somebody talks shit. Nobody was surprised, so okay.

Middle aged lady asked if I was sure, if I ever tried being a bisexual man. So that was fun.

@kara_dreamer To clarify, by sublimate, I mean redirecting negative emotions so they're about something else. Like, I'd treat castration thoughts as my mind dealing with embarrassment or feeling pathetic, rather than simply being I didn't like that anatomy.

I'm not trying to get too deep into subconscious stuff, as I honestly think that leads people astray from what thinking bravely and consciously about theirfeelings can show.

@kara_dreamer It sounds to me like you have hope, and you're impatient. Your logical mind knows you're better and still getting even better, and you're taking on a huge project to make yourself happier. And it knows that it will take time.

But your emotions are taking a while to catch up to the reality, that you're in a better place.

If you're like me, you might have leaned on blunted or sublimated emotions to deal with dysphoria, and now you'd like straightforward emotions. But there's connections in your brain to unlearn.

You're healing, and treating yourself better. Be patient with yourself.

@Eve Yeah, you definitely get a flood of feelings early on, both because you're doing something big, and because your brain has new hormones flipping some switches.

In the first months, I definitely was so obsessed with finding differences, and I think I did imagine or exaggerate things. But when I settled down, not only did my expectations and perceptions get more realistic, but the changes sped up. And when I wasn't searching for it, little things felt great, like seeing a woman in window reflections when I wasn't trying to force myself to see one.

I'm at 9 months HRT right now, for context.

@bea Ooof! Rooting for you, but I'd eat some crackers or something so your tummy doesn't have just spicy pickles to deal with.

@listelian And I can't tell if it's "I have to think about genital hair removal, getting doctor's notes, hospital arrangements, how to stay sane during recovery" stuff feeling like tangible concerns, or just coming down from the glow of "It could happen to me for real like I wanted in middle school."

@listelian What sucks is now I'm feeling overwhelmed and my dang mind is so used to being numb, all it's doing is shaking my leg instead of making me cry or do something really cathartic. Might journal a bit.

@listelian I seriously have no clue. I think it's just that kind of cis mindset that anatomy/bodily aesthetics are a matter of utility in attracting a mate. See people who say, "Why are you transitioning if it means you'll be gay?"

And now it all feels so real I feel a little sick.

@alyx All in the context of "I hate how spiro makes me pee so much and wish my balls were gone."

@alyx What's weird is that I'm discussing this in the context of "I might get an orchi if the doctor can't offer a good spiro alternative," which then grew into "I'm worried it'll make it harder to get a good vagina."

@alyx It's weird because I feel like I'm crossing the oversharing line. But I'm thrilled. It's becoming real.

I admin, I've kept my research light, because all the stuff about complications/chances of getting a botched surgery/post-surgery depression is really scary. I know that's avoidant, but it's a lot.

@TipsyTentacle I'm kind of hoping I can just take a big dose of estradiol to go off it. Or maybe take less spiro. Being in the US, I don't really have a cheap and safe alternative unless I import myself.

@TipsyTentacle Since I've heard all kinds of things about what you should/shouldn't do with your scrotal area if you're going to get vaginoplasty.

@TipsyTentacle It came up mostly because I want to get off spiro, but I'd like to consult with a surgeon on what's best if that means some kind of orchi.