✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

@Eve In the US at least. It might have cleared up, I kind of forgot about shots a while ago.

While I'm thinking about it, any thoughts on progesterone? I'm curious to try it, although I know it has some potentially good effects (bigger boobs, moods) and potentially bad effects (some moods are not good). My doctor is convinced it will only increase my chance of breast cancer. I wish there was hard data on this beyond "This is what it does to menopausal cis women."

@Eve Dang, I might have to ask for shots next session. Hopefully, the shortage will be all worked out by then.

Disregard all moping, cool dress has shipped.

@kara_dreamer Yeah, that's what sucks. The way I explain it to the cis is, when you look in the mirror on a bad day, you feel ugly. When I look in the mirror on a bad day, my brain pretends I'm not real.

@kara_dreamer I wish I had constructive input for this. I never had a crossdresser phase in my life. I figured out I was trans from processing my thoughts and feelings. That I felt nothing usually, but a profound sadness when myself in a suit, that I made castration jokes for reasons nobody understood, and that longing I felt when I'd stumble across a HRT timeline.

So it was hard to develop my aesthetic. The first times I dressed as a woman, it felt really uncomfortable and weird, because I felt like it amplified everything that was wrong, and connected me to a body that itself didn't fit. All I can say is, experiment and be strong.

I just realized I had it bad when I saw a woman leasing a sublet went to Yale and was doing cool stuff with medical knowledge and programing. And instead of thinking, "Wow, what a neat person to live near," I felt sick and angry at my sloppy, executive dysfunctional self. And this is how I push myself down. I think I'm having constructive insights from bad feelings? Is this how neurotypicals do it?

I need to practice not being intimidated by people who are smarter or have it together more than me. I'm realizing I left-swipe a ton of people in dating apps just because I think they're too good for me, and rationalize it as them being "phony" or "too perfect." When the whole point is they can ignore you at their discretion...

And hey, I'm graduating and get to wear a cool dress under my graduation robes. Yeah, it's from a safety school and not Stanford, and yeah, I'm 28 and have never had an internship, but I'm above ground and moving forward. In a cool dress under a robe which will cover that dress in sweat.

I'm realizing I never felt this pathetic for this long pre-transition. Money was a minor concern. Distractions were cheap. And when all else failed, dissociation would take it all away.

Now I see wealthy trans women who came from similar backgrounds but didn't fuck up, and got cadillac health insurance and six figure salaries to pay for whatever work they needed done to feel right. And while I know there's women in my trans support group who would gladly trade places with me, I'm not used to needing to process ugly emotions like envy/regret for more than a few minutes. But I guess bad feelings are better than nothing.

@Filene good points. I don't think I can think of anything that's abuse in my history, but I know victims tend to minimize abuse. I'm still just drawing a blank.

And I think I just worry about transition regret more as I'm starting to think about GCS and being trans in the workforce. I don't regret my transition one bit today, and I'd be glad for all the experiences even if I did detransition. Honestly, today, last night's anxieties barely make sense. Moods are strange.

Is there anything that causes dissociation/depersonalization other than gender dysphoria or surviving abuse? Gender dysphoria makes so much sense to me, and I certainly seem to like being the woman I am, but sometimes the fog still lingers and I wish I could make it go away. And I just read a medium post from a person who detransitioned because they realized the depersonalization was from abuse and not dysphoria. But I seriously cannot think of anything that's abuse in my history.

It's easy for me to get in these moods. I didn't have an obvious amount of dysphoria as a little kid, I just begged for lip gloss and shit.

So I was at Rich Millennials apartment last night, and they did that shit Rich Millennials do where they gripe about how broke they are and show off their fancy shit in a waterfront apartment. And they asked if I wanted to play with their HTC Vive. I realized I was actually kind of creeped out by the idea. Transitioning and working through dissociation and depersonalization made the idea of willfully putting my mind somewhere else kind of scary, even with tv goggles. Am I being silly?

Woke up halfway through the time I intended to sleep again. Here's a big pile of anxiety I recorded in the car last night because the host at a party outed me because she thought that would help people get my pronouns right. People were nice, but I did that thing where I don't trust any cis opinions unless they're mean. https://youtu.be/b2df797Di-Q

This will be the third funeral I'm missing because my trans body is too much drama for a somber occasion or whatever.

My great aunt/second mom is dying, and I can't visit her. I can't come out to her. I might not even be able to go to her funeral. Because her homophobic sister and brother in law would use that to hurt my mother and sister.

Fucking family values catholics.

It's a bit over eight months HRT. Tonight, I'm amazed at how much better things got so quickly. My life is really on the mend. I'm so proud of myself for figuring this out and pushing myself to fix what I knew was broken.

@Fionawesome my low energy and executive dysfunction are a tag team. Too sleepy to improvise, and can't just shut off my brain and let my hands do the chores. But if I think, "okay, I'll get up at 6, dump out the hamper and put the white clothes in the laundry bag" even on crappy days, I can at least get something done. I guess it's less hard to break all art down like that that, but you could do, "I'll open my sketchbook and arrange these markers next to it and follow my muse."

@Fionawesome @alice