✨Spirit Halloween⚧Femme✨ @ikea_femme@witches.town

I always hated sad movies before transition. They felt kind of exploitative to me, like they were yanking stunted emotions around for no reason. It almost kind of felt stunty, like watching shock videos with your friends and trying to be the last one to freak out. Which goes to show how little I understood feelings.

Now I need catharsis and it seems the neurotypicals online say Grave of the Fireflies is the one to make people cry.

Pray for me.

@kel @kara_dreamer I've not had that much of that, but I did experience things I'm pretty sure felt okay because I dissociated so much. And it's so uneven and weird. Like, the breakup doesn't hurt as much as I expected it to hurt. I mostly just focus on the fact that I'm now a single woman and can figure out my orientation and stuff. But I bet it'll hit me later.

@kel Anyway, my plan is to continue wearing glasses that hide my brow and emphasize my cheekbones and hope my hair makes me look half okay. I need to learn to feel things more on my terms. I was such an anhedonic egg, and now I have to deal with feelings...

And it kills me knowing I could be so much worse off! That doesn't make it better. It just means I feel gross and weird, and also guilty.

I don't usually get worked up about people wealthier or luckier than me, but maybe it's just that pre-transition, I didn't have much feelings and my distractions were cheap. :-/

God. I need some kind of catharsis, but here I am, living post-breakup at my mom's house at 28, too repressed to cry. I'd scream, but then my mom would take that as proof I'm not getting better from transitioning but just going nuts.

I really should stop looking at facial feminization surgery stuff. Unless I work for some insanely generous company, it won't happen, and I'll just have to work extra hard to believe my cis friends saying I look just like Ally Sheedy or whoever.

Some assorted rejected selfies
https://witches.town/media/X8i8wsTO_LIrCF0t4p4 https://witches.town/media/i33m6GWOwb6mwPG1FhE https://witches.town/media/ZFvdHze2cKmFDkAdzvY

@yaymukund And I do get that the focus on hair removal for women, even limited to just areas where hair typically grows on women rather than all over like with myself, is a gross thing razor companies promoted to sell more disposable junk.

But dang it, this stuff imprints on kids. The first thing that made me feel comfortable with myself when I was considering transition was shaving my legs.

@yaymukund I meant genderqueer assigned-male people who have full beards and stuff. But I do hear your point. I grew up in a white area, and conformity pretty much meant everyone who did grow hair on their face plucked or bleached or whatever.

For me, I think it just comes down to recognizing my own difficulties with dysphoria, and kind of hating how much effort goes into not having a bunch of beard shadow. Not even so much that I'm afraid of society, but that my own self doesn't like it.

line 3 is so very "man it is cool to be cishet, rich, neurotypical, and white."

Just picture the first part being delivered like the opening from CEGF season 2.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6UGArl3ZqE

Get a load of this guy. Online dating is good after all. I like it.
http://imgur.com/a/oMTWq

I wish it didn't make me feel so uncomfortable to think about dating otherwise cute genderqueer amabs who wear skirts and dresses with facial hair. Just saw an otherwise cute person on OKC.

Like, I get that gender is yours to play with, and that society-wise, nobody should stand in their way. But for me personally, I worry I could never get along romantically with someone like that, because my own dysphoria doesn't let me be comfortable with that kind of mixed gender expression, and I'm frankly a bit jealous of that freedom. :-/

Such an arbitrary dealbreaker.

@Dimduning @Eve Yeah, that's it. I'm curious where they go with it, even though I, a humble computer science undergrad, have no idea how brains or magnets work.

I mean, I just took a whole course on electricity and magnetism and the entire takeaway I got was "It's hard, be nice to electrical engineers."

@Eve @Dimduning but re night sweats, I feel overheated get faint sometimes, and I blame it on spiro. Since it's supposed to lower blood pressure a bit. My doctor hasn't been too concerned. I'm sure yours is considering what your antiandrogen is doing, and if you're not in america, you may not even be on spiro, so ignore me if this is completely irrelevant!

@Dimduning @Eve That's interesting about the nightsweats. And also the fMRI study. My campus does a ton of those and tcdms (aka BIG FUCKEN MAGNET ON UR HEAD) experiments, and there's recruiting posters for them and when I see them I'm always thinking, "when he says he's interested in women for this one, does he mean cisgender? probably. shouldn't waste the professor's time."

I'd have pressed for more in person if I wasn't nervous discussing my private parts in front of my classmates. He actually said surgeries, so I really was like, "did he mean just genital stuff, or breasts and junk, too, because doctors and wpath really don't let you rush that..."

I think I just like the straightforward rules and structure, being so autistic.

Kinda tempted to send him an email all, "Hi Mr. Navy Guy, I'm the trans who asked you how to get a job with the navy and you said I had to be done transitioning, which to me sounded weird since that's a lifelong process? And also, if you're talking hormones, I started them seven months ago, is that what you meant? If I need to get GCS, they won't even consider me until next January. And ironically, I cannot afford such a surgery without money and health insurance, which is what I hear you can get from the Navy.

You ever read catch 22? I tried, but I put it down to read Murakami, and then I realized from murakami I had gender dysphoria..."

@kel I said I wanted a job, not to get an incision-less orchiectomy using the power of the atom.

I kind of pointed out to the recruiter doing the on-campus presentation that his transgender recruit policy made no sense because it was so vague, and he just was all "Oh, well it's a gray area if you aren't getting the surgery."

So I had a pretty strong hunch he didn't memorize the trans policy that well.

Where I could possibly get to do neat robot or nuclear reactor stuff.