so after ruining Christmas yesterday by bringing up against better judgement that i want to pause uni and work for now and shattering my mom's world apparently i am now back to feeling shitty and lazy for not doing anything and a weight everyone has to carry and the princess that just sits there giving orders while saying to everything "no can't do that" even though i probably could

it's just so fucking difficult if you work on believing yourself and what your body and brain need and try to do enough self care but then your mother says all your self doubts out loud and that makes it kinda very VERY fucking difficult to not believe they were true all along

at the same time I'm just so hurt and angry that my mom can't see that I'm trying my best and that I've always earned my own money and never asked my parents to support me and that I'm trying to find a solution that works since my current situation obviously isn't and instead of supporting me she sees me as a failure and keeps saying to my face how disappointed she is. this really, really hurts

@mimtschan our parents are largely where our self doubt comes from in the first place. I mean we're not born with it. They're fucked up, too, so sympathy by all means. But family is the patriarchy's means of reproducing its power and just fuck that.