I thought I was done with this but apparently not
It turns out the payment to transfer my remaining balance out of that account somehow "wasn't accepted" by my new bank (even though it seemed to have been? The amount got added to my balance in my new account? I don't understand?) and was credited back to my simple bank account, which had been closed. Continued

So I now have a non insignificant amount of money in an account that I did manage to get access to through their web interface - but everything's fucked up because the actual bank account is still closed as far as I can tell. The account numbers and "your card" pages don't load right and if I try to manually transfer it to my linked new bank account, no matter what amount I enter it says it's above my "monthly limit"
Continued

And the best is the way I found out about this is they sent me an email that said I had a support message to read with a link to go sign in on my account (that wasn't supposed to exist anymore) and read it - and the link when opened on my phone, doesn't load, because even though their thing was LITERALLY being a bank with a better mobile ux, they didn't bother with a responsive webpage, it just kicks you to the app
Which doesn't exist on windows
Cont

I should clarify that yes, I checked all the urls and made sure it wasn't a phish. I got into my account that I was told previously had been deleted (because I didn't do the thing to switch to their new partner bank) by resetting my username & pw with the email & phone number. So it seems like, there's no actual bank account because I never did the thing, but there is still an account, apparently now with "money" "in" "it" somehow.

This is stupid

Oh, Okay

When you "have" "money" in a "bank account" that "doesn't exist"