Eden @edensaesthetic@witches.town

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE VOLUME OF MY EMOTIONS FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL DAYS

(CHARLOTTE SAID SHE LOVED ME I AM DYING OF HOW GAY I AM FOR THAT GIRL)

okay so skull girls is actually fantastic

not just because

a. skulls
b. girls

but also because it has like a really good set of tutorials that walk you through blocking/combos/linking/supers and I never really got it fully in SF and others? like it's so.. friendly!

I don't know why I beat myself up so much about not being able to do something, even when I have like no commitment to it.

I don't know if this is really common, and anyone reading this will just be like
"Yeah, duh, you're human"

Or more specifically
"Yeah duh, feeling overly responsible is really common with people with childhood-issues"

But like, I went to a group and wanted to do more for it, but I'm currently trying to balance stuff and I _really_ struggle bcos of how little I can manage, so I'd rather _not_ go and avoid feeling like I have to do stuff, than go and just do what little I can?

Just FYI - this is UK not US

General question - literally never used the insurance work gave me before.

If a psychiatrist says
"I'm not yet registered with a health insurance", do you take that as evidence they're not particularly good?

Therapists seem to mostly treat me like a naughty school child for minor changes, despite being absolutely ridiculous with requirements

"As you know, you should be on the full programme, despite an exception being made for you"

Yeah alright, when's the full programme?

"It's at 5:45"

So who is this subgroup of individuals who can afford £70 a weekly session despite finishing work at 5pm?

I've been doing a little bit better recently - excluding today which is kinda 'I forgot to take medication yesterday' induced energy.

I started DBT. And DBT is really really having a big change to my life when I'm having to actively think about my social interactions in more depth.

I am sometimes unkind in real life. And forcing myself to be gentle/interested/validating/empathetic is really frustrating to do, and feels like I'm showing weakness sometimes, but it has really positive results.

It's like if someone formalised the rules to healthy social interaction..

I actually did stuff that's super unusual for me today.

I lied to gain access to & info about a building so I could take photos to prep for an event

I am usually quite.. anxious and not that, so I am thrown by my own development, but also like IT WAS SO FUN YOU GUYS.

ugh, i'm basically having a mania-induced panic and while I'm lowkey happy to be manic after a LONG period of depression, feeling this restless and damaging isn't something I relish.

I haven't chatted on here properly in a while. And a lot of that has been depression and really trying to stitch some of my life back together.

And coming off medication for a bit has thrown me back into mania, and given me the energy to actually write on here rather than feel too tired and go do other things.

I hope I can find the energy to chat more here, because I like all you people a lot.

I think what hurts me most from the stories isn't the actual pain - the parts where the traps snap shut - it's the agonising build up, and that everyone complicit in it isn't shown(?) as a bad person.

When my abuser hurt me, I wanted to believe she was intentionally malicious. That she wanted to hurt me, or at least knew that I was hurting and didn't care.
It was that she wasn't a bad person, she just thought we were both playing our role. That hurt me.

And the pain I dealt myself to keep the peace was the same as in the stories.
I was doing the same thing a hundred thousand women before me had done.

Like I can't quite put into words how much it made me rethink my experience with the world, and my interactions with others.

I am cruel sometimes, and I wish I were kinder. I have a world of excuses - my litany of abuse for one, but that hardly applies when _I_ want that change.

And putting violence and vulnerability on display as the book does makes me rethink the person I want to be. I know the core meanings behind the book are to do with the cruelties of patriarchy, but as someone who suffers under patriarchy, it makes me want to support those suffering with me, not lash out at those administering it.

Linked here: https://granta.com/the-husband-stitch/

Please take the CWs seriously, some of it is fairly nasty.