nothing makes me feel more fucked up than trying to be around people and not even being able to pretend not to be a grumpy piece of shit for like 10 minutes

there's literally no reason for me to act and feel this way but I don't know how to stop so whatever I guess

probably doesn't help that my partner is the most exhaustingly cheerful person on the planet who becomes completely unrelatable when I'm like this

@cmdrspacebabe I hope you don't mind me asking a personal question, but you suffer from depression and/or anxiety? (I do)

@panickyintheuk haha, yes. both. and ADHD. :p I'm on antidepressants now - wellbutrin - and it's helped my energy levels a lot, but not so much my generally low mood/discomfort with socializing. I'm going to ask about actual therapy next time I see my doctor.

@cmdrspacebabe How do you find wellbutrin? I don't think it's available here. I was on fluoxetine (Prozac) for a long time, then switched to sertraline which gave me horrible side effects, then I came off meds altogether over a year ago and am seeing how it goes (hard, but maybe necessary for me right now). Anyway in that case I figure you don't need a reason?? Or like, that's reason enough! I'm sure your partner understands. I'm sure you know this already but I just thought I'd say

@cmdrspacebabe Sorry, you kind of already answered my Q about wellbutrin. My bad, I must have been skimming without realising :rolling_eyes: I kiiinda think I might have ADD but everyone I talk to about it thinks that's ridiculous because I don't have the "classic symptoms" or "personality" or whatever, so, idk

@panickyintheuk haha that's aaaaabsolutely no reason not to think you have ADHD, the 'classic' symptoms are based on stereotypes and outdated information. I didn't get diagnosed until last year (at 24) because I'm not 'classic' either. I'm inattentive-type and the 'classic' symptoms are hyperactive-type - they didn't even figure out inattentive was a thing until pretty recently. it's a very misunderstood condition and most people have no idea what it actually looks like.

@panickyintheuk (I know A Lot about this if you have questions haha. tbh I probably know more than the average doctor at this point)

and wellbutrin is pretty great for me. it's generally considered good for depressed people with ADHD because it's stimulant-based, similar to stuff like ritalin - ADHD is characterized by low levels of certain neurotransmitters, so a constant low level of stimulant helps to compensate for it.

@cmdrspacebabe I gotta run but I'd really like to continue this later if you don't mind!

@panickyintheuk for sure, I love helping people figure out ADHD stuff :D and yeah, women present more with inattentive-type and tend to be better at hiding it due to socialization and all that. there's a lot of recent research about the under-diagnosis of women - many of us don't get diagnosed until we're adults and end up with depression/anxiety as a result: a history of failure/screwing up things that come easily to others makes us think we just suck at life.

@cmdrspacebabe Thank you, I really appreciate that. I don't know that my depression is necessarily a consequence of ADHD; depression runs in my family on both sides, so I think it's probably a distinct thing. I started to have suspicions about ADHD a little while ago - I have trouble finishing books these days, and even getting through films and eps of TV shows without lots of breaks; following through on things is a challenge; if I have a deadline, I start at the last possible minute

@cmdrspacebabe but when I mentioned my suspicions to my mother she actually burst out laughing at me, which was really upsetting, and I kind of put the idea to one side for a little while, and then I heard someone on a podcast talking about it recently and everything he was saying sounded so familiar. On a slightly separate note, I googled wellbutrin again and apparently it IS available here, but for quitting smoking (which I already did, actually), so it would be an off-label use

@cmdrspacebabe Sorry to spam you, but I was just looking at the webmd page for inattentive-type ADHD - it's talking about diagnosis in children. Don't know how differently it presents in adults, but thought I'd mention that of the symptoms listed, I'm also a huge daydreamer, very messy, and sometimes have slow processing speed

@panickyintheuk diagnostic criteria are a bit different for adults, but require symptoms to be shown before the age of 12, so it's good to see if the childhood stuff sounds like you when you were young. a major indicator is often report card comments saying 'needs to apply herself' or 'smart but disorganized' or stuff like that - I had those on every report card ever :p
here's a PDF to an adult self-assessment:
https://add.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/adhd-questionnaire-ASRS111.pdf

@cmdrspacebabe EVERYTHING on your list is extremely applicable to me. I kind of figured it was related to depression, and I guess there's a lot of spillover. Interestingly I don't think of myself as easily bored, but maybe that's because I'm a very vivid daydreamer? I'm also pretty good at finding something to distract myself with. Thanks for the link - not everything feels applicable, but for some of them that's because I've developed coping mechanisms, so it's tricky

@panickyintheuk yeah, and of course it manifests differently in everyone. I don't consider myself easily bored either, but I also can't keep myself off the internet when I'm supposed to be working and all my chores take twice as long because I keep getting distracted... which is why I don't feel bored. :p my brain pre-emptively jumps ship before it can happen.

@cmdrspacebabe Yes, absolutely! And the jumping around is a huge thing for me. Like, I'll pause an episode of something on Netflix to imdb someone, and then as soon as I have the computer open I'll think of three other things I want to check, and then half an hour later I remember I left the episode on pause. The last year and a bit I've been using habitica, and that's helped me a lot with daily tasks, but then I have to-dos that aren't that major but hang around for weeks

@panickyintheuk have you ever looked into bullet journals? mine was kinda life-changing lol. a good agenda is a key component to managing ADHD. daily to-do lists are my other big thing - write out every single thing I need or want to do, including leisure/hobby stuff, and how long it'll take. it REALLY helps keep me on track so I don't wind up getting lost in the internet and losing my whole evening on things I don't even really enjoy.

@cmdrspacebabe RE journals, that's pretty much what I use habitica for. I could probably utilise it a bit more rigorously, but it's definitely made a HUGE difference. I think that's probably better than a physical journal for me, because I seem to do better with digital than analogue on the whole.

My gut's saying the shoe fits, but I'm not sure I'd necessarily fulfil the diagnostic criteria, for the coping strategy/avoidance reasons we talked about (and again, depression complicates things)

@cmdrspacebabe I don't think of myself as particularly physically restless, active or fidgety, either. If anything I think of myself as being physically lazy. Looking at that checklist, I'd say I'd tick three of the shaded boxes in part A (1, 2 & 4), with 3 being kind of a "no, but"; 5 & 6, not really (although having said that, I did consider that I might be cyclothymic at one stage, and #6 does sound like what I thought might be manic episodes? But it's not my default state)

@cmdrspacebabe Anyway I feel like I'm taking up a lot of your time at this point, but thanks again, I really appreciate the info, and it's good just to have a sounding board!