@cmdrspacebabe I had really long talks with my girlfriend (3yrs couple) cause of my need to be 10H a day with my friends on the internet (yeah when you can't socializing IRL it's kinda like that) she understood well, don't forcing me to go out or see her family each time. I just try to be there and quit my stuff if she need hugs (we are kinda depression-mates) and we planned to do what she want 2/3 times (=15 hours) a week. we just had to plan about how far we can make the effort.

@NaHO my partner doesn't really understand, I think. we're very different and he's not very good at understanding that - I think he doesn't always remember that not everyone feels or sees things the way he does. he doesn't try to push me to do things, but there's such a contrast between our moods/energy levels that it can feel very alienating, and highlights what I often see as a deficiency in myself - something that's always been missing that so many other people seem to have

@cmdrspacebabe that's why I can't be with someone wo can't understand or feel (and it's not there fault) that we can share so much and also have a very distant/quiet day. I'm not that afraid of people or outside, it's just if you cross the line and ask too much socializing for me, I just become crazy, doing dumb shit and panic. I feel you and hope you will find a path in that shi*** situation. At least, my only tips is "if the problem isn't solved, talk more about it" Stay strong.

@NaHO my partner doesn't so much mind quiet days, but he also likes going out and being social a lot more than I do, and his kind of socializing takes a lot out of me. it's not so much of a barrier really - we're poly and he has other people who can share that part of his life with him - but it's hard not to be a little jealous of his energy sometimes.

@cmdrspacebabe indeed, indeed, I was more talking about staying at home most part of the time doing stuff on the computer. My girlfriend always have a breakdown if she stay at home too much, and needed me when she was outside.(insecurities and depression you know) Kinda hard time. But recently she found a job, and we hope that will make next days easier for us (5 hours a day I don't have her home so we love passing time together when she come back). It's not the same for you but still

@cmdrspacebabe i'm not a big help, here. Hope you will find peace at least.

@NaHO I work full time so I don't get all that much time at home alone, which is challenging - much easier for me to recharge by myself (though at least partner and I don't share a room; I'd be much worse off then :p)
support is helpful regardless. thank you ❤

@cmdrspacebabe Yeah, it sucks how people think you're mean if you're not ~super gregarious~ at all times. And I know that women/female-read people get it a hundred times worse; they're not just expected to socialise, they aren't allowed interiority or private life at all.

@tobascodagama I always feel like I make situations uncomfortable for everyone because I'm so visibly Not Into It. conversations tend to die around me and it feels like I just suck the energy out of the room.

@cmdrspacebabe It's not really your responsibility to keep a conversation going, though. Like, it's probably not actually your fault if the conversation has a lull, that's just your brain lying to you. But even if your brain isn't lying to you, you don't need to feel bad about it.

@cmdrspacebabe I hope you find a decent place here to stay! :)

@cmdrspacebabe it's okay to be introverted. It's okay to be introverted and poly, even. Sometimes I wish I were more social, but I'm just so much happier being close with a smaller set of people that it's easier not to fight it. (Makes dating harder, but even that's manageable after a fashion.)

@panickyintheuk haha, yes. both. and ADHD. :p I'm on antidepressants now - wellbutrin - and it's helped my energy levels a lot, but not so much my generally low mood/discomfort with socializing. I'm going to ask about actual therapy next time I see my doctor.

@cmdrspacebabe How do you find wellbutrin? I don't think it's available here. I was on fluoxetine (Prozac) for a long time, then switched to sertraline which gave me horrible side effects, then I came off meds altogether over a year ago and am seeing how it goes (hard, but maybe necessary for me right now). Anyway in that case I figure you don't need a reason?? Or like, that's reason enough! I'm sure your partner understands. I'm sure you know this already but I just thought I'd say

@cmdrspacebabe Sorry, you kind of already answered my Q about wellbutrin. My bad, I must have been skimming without realising :rolling_eyes: I kiiinda think I might have ADD but everyone I talk to about it thinks that's ridiculous because I don't have the "classic symptoms" or "personality" or whatever, so, idk

@panickyintheuk haha that's aaaaabsolutely no reason not to think you have ADHD, the 'classic' symptoms are based on stereotypes and outdated information. I didn't get diagnosed until last year (at 24) because I'm not 'classic' either. I'm inattentive-type and the 'classic' symptoms are hyperactive-type - they didn't even figure out inattentive was a thing until pretty recently. it's a very misunderstood condition and most people have no idea what it actually looks like.

@panickyintheuk (I know A Lot about this if you have questions haha. tbh I probably know more than the average doctor at this point)

and wellbutrin is pretty great for me. it's generally considered good for depressed people with ADHD because it's stimulant-based, similar to stuff like ritalin - ADHD is characterized by low levels of certain neurotransmitters, so a constant low level of stimulant helps to compensate for it.

@cmdrspacebabe I gotta run but I'd really like to continue this later if you don't mind!

@panickyintheuk for sure, I love helping people figure out ADHD stuff :D and yeah, women present more with inattentive-type and tend to be better at hiding it due to socialization and all that. there's a lot of recent research about the under-diagnosis of women - many of us don't get diagnosed until we're adults and end up with depression/anxiety as a result: a history of failure/screwing up things that come easily to others makes us think we just suck at life.

@cmdrspacebabe Thank you, I really appreciate that. I don't know that my depression is necessarily a consequence of ADHD; depression runs in my family on both sides, so I think it's probably a distinct thing. I started to have suspicions about ADHD a little while ago - I have trouble finishing books these days, and even getting through films and eps of TV shows without lots of breaks; following through on things is a challenge; if I have a deadline, I start at the last possible minute

@cmdrspacebabe but when I mentioned my suspicions to my mother she actually burst out laughing at me, which was really upsetting, and I kind of put the idea to one side for a little while, and then I heard someone on a podcast talking about it recently and everything he was saying sounded so familiar. On a slightly separate note, I googled wellbutrin again and apparently it IS available here, but for quitting smoking (which I already did, actually), so it would be an off-label use

@cmdrspacebabe Sorry to spam you, but I was just looking at the webmd page for inattentive-type ADHD - it's talking about diagnosis in children. Don't know how differently it presents in adults, but thought I'd mention that of the symptoms listed, I'm also a huge daydreamer, very messy, and sometimes have slow processing speed

@panickyintheuk diagnostic criteria are a bit different for adults, but require symptoms to be shown before the age of 12, so it's good to see if the childhood stuff sounds like you when you were young. a major indicator is often report card comments saying 'needs to apply herself' or 'smart but disorganized' or stuff like that - I had those on every report card ever :p
here's a PDF to an adult self-assessment:
https://add.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/adhd-questionnaire-ASRS111.pdf

@panickyintheuk a few things people don't often know can be caused by ADHD:
- poor emotional regulation - difficulty controlling emotional reactions, tendency to blow up or overreact to minor things (I'm EXTREMELY irritable and get frustrated at the slightest problems)
- extreme sensitivity to criticism - associated with above; sometimes called rejection-sensitive dysphoria
- 'lack of willpower' - pre-diagnosis, most think of themselves as lazy or weak due to lack of executive function

@panickyintheuk at its core, ADHD is not a disorder of attention - that's just the most obvious external symptom. it's actually a lack of executive dysfunction - the brain is unable to self-regulate due to a lack of chemical resources. lack of dopamine means the brain is forced to compensate by doing things that will provide more in the short term - generally by avoiding things that are difficult or boring, but necessary to function properly. 'allergy to boredom'.

@panickyintheuk people with ADHD are unable to regulate what their brain focuses on, making us highly prone to procrastination, disorganization, poor impulse control, distractability, poor time management, emotional disregulation, and an inability to follow through on anything challenging - even if we really want to. we tend to start a lot of projects that we never finish - as soon as they don't provide short-term reward, the brain moves on to something that will.

@panickyintheuk (lol now who's the spammer oops)
so yeah, there's a lot more to ADHD than people think. it's not a lack of attention span, it's an inability to self-regulate that can have a huge impact on many areas of your life - school, work, relationships, family, friends, everything. from the inside, it feels like a lack of willpower - like you're too weak to make yourself do things that need doing, no matter how hard you try or how much you want to.

@cmdrspacebabe EVERYTHING on your list is extremely applicable to me. I kind of figured it was related to depression, and I guess there's a lot of spillover. Interestingly I don't think of myself as easily bored, but maybe that's because I'm a very vivid daydreamer? I'm also pretty good at finding something to distract myself with. Thanks for the link - not everything feels applicable, but for some of them that's because I've developed coping mechanisms, so it's tricky

@panickyintheuk yeah, and of course it manifests differently in everyone. I don't consider myself easily bored either, but I also can't keep myself off the internet when I'm supposed to be working and all my chores take twice as long because I keep getting distracted... which is why I don't feel bored. :p my brain pre-emptively jumps ship before it can happen.

@cmdrspacebabe Yes, absolutely! And the jumping around is a huge thing for me. Like, I'll pause an episode of something on Netflix to imdb someone, and then as soon as I have the computer open I'll think of three other things I want to check, and then half an hour later I remember I left the episode on pause. The last year and a bit I've been using habitica, and that's helped me a lot with daily tasks, but then I have to-dos that aren't that major but hang around for weeks

@cmdrspacebabe In terms of the checklist, for a lot of the items I'm looking at them and thinking "well, I don't do that, but only because X" - like, I don't forget appointments because I write EVERYTHING down and am very careful about it, and I don't make a lot of careless mistakes because I tend to triple-check everything. So I don't know if that's a coping mechanism or evidence against, you know?

@panickyintheuk that sounds more like a coping mechanism to me. :p see, I also triple-check everything, because as a kid/teen I screwed things up so much that I gave myself a complex and now I have anxiety about it. like, the other week a coworker told me he wished he was as organized as me; but the thing is, I'm NOT organized. my organization is a carefully, consciously constructed structure to make up for the fact that my brain can't hold itself up without external support.

@panickyintheuk so no, I no longer forget things or plans or due dates... until I fall off the wagon and don't use my bullet journal for a while, after which I start forgetting shit again. I've imposed structure on myself to make up for it, but fundamentally my brain still doesn't work the way most people's does. I have to work harder than a neurotypical to function because I need help just to reach what, for them, is a baseline.

@panickyintheuk have you ever looked into bullet journals? mine was kinda life-changing lol. a good agenda is a key component to managing ADHD. daily to-do lists are my other big thing - write out every single thing I need or want to do, including leisure/hobby stuff, and how long it'll take. it REALLY helps keep me on track so I don't wind up getting lost in the internet and losing my whole evening on things I don't even really enjoy.

@cmdrspacebabe RE journals, that's pretty much what I use habitica for. I could probably utilise it a bit more rigorously, but it's definitely made a HUGE difference. I think that's probably better than a physical journal for me, because I seem to do better with digital than analogue on the whole.

My gut's saying the shoe fits, but I'm not sure I'd necessarily fulfil the diagnostic criteria, for the coping strategy/avoidance reasons we talked about (and again, depression complicates things)

@cmdrspacebabe I don't think of myself as particularly physically restless, active or fidgety, either. If anything I think of myself as being physically lazy. Looking at that checklist, I'd say I'd tick three of the shaded boxes in part A (1, 2 & 4), with 3 being kind of a "no, but"; 5 & 6, not really (although having said that, I did consider that I might be cyclothymic at one stage, and #6 does sound like what I thought might be manic episodes? But it's not my default state)

@cmdrspacebabe Anyway I feel like I'm taking up a lot of your time at this point, but thanks again, I really appreciate the info, and it's good just to have a sounding board!

@cmdrspacebabe Ugh, sorry, *hypomanic episodes

@panickyintheuk hypomanic episodes also aren't uncommon - in some cases it can even be mistaken for bipolar. physical restlessness is more commonly associated with hyperactive-type, though inattentive-type are often fidgety as well.
and it's no problem! I actually love talking about this stuff (: I've done a lot of research and it's always nice to be able to help other people figure shit out - I know figuring mine out really changed my life for the better.

@cmdrspacebabe Right, and it tends to present differently in women, yeah? See, I have a pretty strong feeling that I have it (and it sounds like for me it would be 'inattentive type' too - that pings pretty hard for me), but I don't have a very good GP, and I don't really have anyone in my life that I trust to be a good ear for me to talk about it with, so it's tricky. I heard about wellbutrin a while ago and it sounded like it might be good for me, but don't think it's licensed in UK