**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:01

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:01

That Very Quinn has Moved @ThatVeryQuinn

16 mar. 2018, 20:01

That Very Quinn has Moved @ThatVeryQuinn

I just. I have a long history of fucked up relationships with women, both platonic and otherwise.

Maybe it's because I don't spend time with basically any men, but while I know they're trash intuitively , I just, I guess I haven't internalized it as much.

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:06

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:06

16 mar. 2018, 20:06

That Very Quinn has Moved @ThatVeryQuinn

Paedophilia, Sexual abuse, my life story. Afficher plus

I don't remember much of anything up to the age of 14, so there's a good start.

Then at 14, my first solid memories are of dating a woman 4 years my senior (18), out of desperation for positive emotional attention. Thankfully no sex happened.

Flash forward a few years, I dated a girl my age whose mother treated me like I was a potential rapist. Didn't last long.

Another year or so, I'm 17 and coming out to myself, and in college, I date a 23 year old woman for a week and she lies to me about damn near everything about her. Doesn't last long.

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 2018-03-16T20:10:48Z

That Very Quinn has Moved @ThatVeryQuinn

Paedophilia, Sexual abuse, my life story. Afficher plus

Then at 19.

I'm 19, I'm out, I'm trans, and I meet Laura. Laura's 23. We meet in a social anxiety therapy group (RED FLASHING LIGHTS). She is incredibly well read, well lived and very interesting. I am... 19. And so emotionally wilting that I spend most of my time in the group watching everyone else talk.

She befriends me quickly.

Within a week or two, we are fast friends. Around this time, she tells me that, to her, a sexual relationship is the purest, highest form of friendship. She complains about how a pair of her other friends declined and they haven't been talking much since (RED FLASHING LIGHTS).

16 mar. 2018, 20:10 · 0 · 1

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:18

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:18

16 mar. 2018, 20:18

That Very Quinn has Moved @ThatVeryQuinn

Sexual abuse, Sexual assault, my life story Afficher plus

Our first sexual encounter takes place that night.

I say I'm not sure I want to do this. She looms over me, "Do you trust me?"

"I don't know."

Repeat it a few times. I relent.

I assume she feels good. I don't. But I'm happy for the attention.

Over time she gets it in her mind that I should move into her apartment, so she single handedly kicks out her other roommate. I'm happy to have a friend.

She has a boyfriend. She insists she's poly. I'm still happy to have a friend. She talks about maybe having a threesome with him. I happily agree, thanking God it never happens.

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:23

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:23

16 mar. 2018, 20:23

That Very Quinn has Moved @ThatVeryQuinn

Sexual abuse, kink, transphobia, ableism, my life story Afficher plus

She teaches me that I am a natural bottom. I learn I can take almost a whole fist with no lube.

I learn this in 10 seconds.

She convinces me that I can't be trans because I use my penis during sex. I go back into the closet because that makes sense.

She assumes the role of domme. I assume the role of sub. I learn that I'm too loose to go walking for a mile with a plug in my ass.

My symptoms get worse. She notices. She uses it against me. I learn that BPD is evil and nasty and since I am not evil and nasty it can't possibly be me.

**The Leewit** @ghost_bird · 16 mar. 2018, 20:25

**The Leewit** @ghost_bird · 16 mar. 2018, 20:25

16 mar. 2018, 20:25

The Leewit @ghost_bird

Sexual abuse, kink, transphobia, ableism, my life story Afficher plus

@ThatVeryQuinn (Fav-ing this doesn’t seem remotely appropriate, but I’m reading and witnessing.)

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:31

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:31

16 mar. 2018, 20:31

That Very Quinn has Moved @ThatVeryQuinn

Sexual abuse, kink, transphobia, ableism, my life story Afficher plus

@ghost_bird I understand.

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:28

**That Very Quinn has Moved** @ThatVeryQuinn · 16 mar. 2018, 20:28

16 mar. 2018, 20:28

That Very Quinn has Moved @ThatVeryQuinn

Sexual abuse, kink, transphobia, ableism, my life story Afficher plus

She has me lend my bed to her boyfriend for a weekend. They pop the inflatable mattress I'd been sleeping on for half a year. I sleep on the couch for a week.

Things dissolve when she finds another bright and shiny person to latch onto. I worsen in BPD symptoms. We break up.

I still don't know if she was poly. I still want to reach back out. I still feel a need, an emptiness where she took something.

I still need to know she's a failure to get along in life.

I still have a hard time admitting that what she did was wrong.

I don't know. That's not nearly all of what she did. I'm done now.

**Qwyrdo** @Qwyrdo · 16 mar. 2018, 20:58

**Qwyrdo** @Qwyrdo · 16 mar. 2018, 20:58

16 mar. 2018, 20:58

Qwyrdo @Qwyrdo

Abuse Afficher plus

@ThatVeryQuinn Ugh. I can relate hard to the questioning and desire to reconcile, to give 2nd (3rd & 4th) chances.

Things went bad between my penultimate ex & I once I realised she was gaslighting me & manipulating both me and our mutual partner. Exacerbated by chronic pain, in my case.

Mistakes were made, all around. I was avoidant. Our mutual was avoidant. We didn't address our problems & it blew up on us.

I'm sorry to hear things were, arguably, even ickier for you ∑:s

**Woozle Hypertwin** @woozle@toot.cat · 16 mar. 2018, 21:37

**Woozle Hypertwin** @woozle@toot.cat · 16 mar. 2018, 21:37

16 mar. 2018, 21:37

Woozle Hypertwin @woozle@toot.cat

long-ago sui mention Afficher plus

@ThatVeryQuinn

Oh man.

This makes my early-adulthood story (featuring the suicide of the girl who basically brought me back to humanity and on whom I had deeply, deeply imprinted) seem like the very soul of compassion, sanity, and innocence by comparison.

The good news is: this suggests *reasons* why your head is the way it is. That's tractable -- something that can be made better over time.