I remembered why I feel so much dread and anxiety when I mess up my sleep schedule. My mom tried to force me awake. When I finally did get up, she said horribly abusive things and bringing up every little thing I did wrong to make me hate and doubt myself. She doesn't care about me graduating college. She just wants to use it as a tool to manipulate me. And because of it, my mind has relapsed and for the first time in a month or two, I've had intrusive suicidal thoughts. I'm going to smoke a lot of weed today and I'm going to try to treat myself nice, not go hard on myself, and have fun. I don't deserve to be treated like this.