Filene 🌠🌠🌠 @Filene@witches.town

My spouse joked about me wearing the same sparkly sheer shirt with every outfit, and the same joke about a shimmering Angelrox dress.

I think she's noticing my attempts at making wichier outfits.. >.> 😍

HONESTY OR SEXY

Maybe? Thoughts?

I think that the antidote to a snake's venom is often made from the very venom itself.

I'd conclude it's therapeutic to nullify the toxic threats or violence that others cause externally, where you're empowered, trusted, & safe you do so. This is better than needing a dose of toxicity to come from yourself, as you've de facto enabling your shadow boxing opponent.

The villain is no longer your endless resourcefulness versus a fear of being underprepared that grows in response. The battle is containable, instead of leaking into your mind like ink in an aquarium.

This is related to idolatry from earlier: in giving any imaginative space to another's power, and continuing a "tet-a-tet" where they "find" "perfect" ripostes one after another, is enabling your own defeat.

I imagine with your first self-delivery of negative/toxic violence, you render yourself too feeble. Your opponent is "equal" to you by being you, & you might not give yourself a "that's good enough" since toxicity thrives on remaining threatening.

But where can we have an outlet for this addiction? Or for this muscle that's sorely awaiting toxicity to transform?

Outside ourselves.

Like the TMBG song "Lost My Mind," you are both the bag, and the boxing glove. We can espouse other metaphors for the duality and source of all projected perceptions, but here, the victim has turned on themself.

In giving yourself a "hit" of negativity or toxicity, you might expect to be able to create a retort and feel good about your smarts.
But it's much harder when you realize the speaker comes FROM INSIDE. This is just like abuse: someone you trust to never hurt you has caught you defenseless. In fact, I dare say being negative to yourself must be stopped before you're overwhelmed.

In this way, we can get addicted or "habituated" to the poison. Some drugs, when you go "cold turkey," can cause immediate shocks and other withdrawal effects. Being in toxicity is similar, and I feel that way through the mental reinforcement of habits.

If someone is on the outside of you, pulling you down, you have an external source of toxicity. You can stay "getting the hits" and either suffering or subordinating the intent of affliction.

But when you lose the source, this response turns inward. There's no thumb to continue living under, so how do you get a "hit?"

Yourself.

My latest thought was on poison and toxicity. Original: https://witches.town/@Filene/4161707

I've been pondering the symbol of the peacock, one that's been significant to me enough to be an alter & fursona.
The tale goes that peacocks get their pretty colors from all the poisonous beings they eat. The bigger a supply, and the fiercer the venom, the brighter their show.

But we also call people and situations "toxic." Matisyahu's song "motivate" & other creators describe attacks by others to be laced with poison.

In a way, we as humans--if not clear that this "bitter truth" might actually be name-calling--might accept the pain and internalize it.
(Continued)

First, let me link to one of my most recent hexes about ideas to put in my book of shadows:

https://witches.town/@Filene/4106403

I'll be adding more to the above thread for all my book of shadows insights. Such as below:
I have yet to physically write on the topic of poisons/toxicity:
getting addicted to them, getting withdrawal from them, getting immune to them/rubbery to them, and getting your fix instead of fixing the withdrawal.

Toxicity is only "bitter" like medicine at first, but it can build this bitterness inside you, or make you used to something that still has the threat of a lethal dosage.

@kara_dreamer Ouch. To someone struggling like you, this new roadblock means getting over a huge speed bump. They can't even imagine.

I hope you get rolling some day and get a new therapist again. It doesn't sound like there're any good gender therapists close to you. I was lucky to have one near my old home, but we meet online now that I'm mostly rural. :x

@guerrillarain wow, it's like we've ended up in two distinct and opposing camps. Maybe I can afford to lose a wig to testing what you were advised someday. We're pretty awfully broke.

@guerrillarain wait, conditioning risks the wig lace's shape? I thought washing did, as I've gotten advice to never let it dry stretched out in any way. You say it would lose its shape in the opposite condition, where I don't put it on a conditioned wig?

@kara_dreamer You sound really depressed. Are you seeing a therapist for this? I know these last two years would be hard if I wasn't seeing my therapist.

@guerrillarain You said you let the wig dry from conditioning on the stand, right? Ok, I don't let it dry from washing, but I'll do so for conditioning. :) I thought it wouldn't be a mannequin head

@guerrillarain Yay! Your first video taught me a bit about editing, and creation, too! Thank you for making it a reality!